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Sex Trouble

(5 Posts)
PuddingSpoon Sat 13-Jun-09 00:14:25

I am a full time mum with 2 boys aged 4 and 2. I am exhausted all the time and by the time the kids go to bed all I want to do is forget everything and watch TV or read.
My husband has a very high sex drive and he asks for sex almost every day and tends to pester about it(in a lighthearted way). But if I say no he sulks. I try to say positive things and genuinly want to try to find the energy for it, but often by the time it's a possibility I am too tired and I can't stand the thought of anyone else climbing on my body!
I can't really enjoy my evenings because I feel guilty and inadequate as a wife and a lover and his almost relentless huffs and annoying comments about it make me want to have sex with him even less.
He talks as if we hardly ever do it, but we do - I try to never let it drift longer than a week, but because I always end up forcing myself into it I get sore afterwards and can feel pain from it for the next 3 or 4 days even if we use lubrication.
I have asked him to just lay off asking about it for at least a few days so that I can relax and then try to rediscover my sex drive, but he just gets angry and says that I am trying to change him. He says I should be happy that he still fancies me and wants to have sex with me. (I am happy about this.)
Maybe we are both just exhausted - he finds sex a relaxing thing and I find it painful, stressful and hard work.
At the moment I am sick of the whole business and would love to share more time with him when sex is completely off the agenda, but this never happens because we only see each other in the evenings and cannot afford babysitters.

bigted Sat 13-Jun-09 00:35:48

You should not be sore for 3 or 4 days after sex .

You need more foreplay (sorry, horrible word) or generally more non overtly sexual affection from your dh

blinks Sat 13-Jun-09 01:21:26

he sounds childish and controlling. what kind of conversations have you had about this?

is it sore during sex or after? is the pain internal?

howtotellmum Sat 13-Jun-09 09:54:42

He is bullying you and being completely selfish- not remotely surprising you don't want to have sex with him!

It is him who has the issue, not you! Any man who knows a thing about women knows you don't get sex by bullying and coercing- you get it by being loving outside of bed and the sex is a bonus!

Does he bully you about everything?

I'd tell him to push off and leave you alone until he can be more tender, caring, loving, and not such an teenager about it.

lilac21 Sat 13-Jun-09 18:06:06

Please get help, in my experience it became the start of a slippery slope towards separation. I wasn't 'pestered' as often as you, but any refusal was met with the demand 'why not?' and he always wanted a conversation about why I didn't want to, none of my reasons were ever good enough. It wouldn't take long, he didn't mind if I had my period, men need to do it or they get irritable etc etc.... A refusal one night always led to a repeated request the next night, the same dialogue, the next night it happened again and this continued until I agreed/gave in, because even going to my own bed became a stressful experience rather than a relaxing one.

My husband would also say it had been longer between intercourse than it actually had been, I even took to keeping a record so I could say 'actually it was only last Thursday' or whatever and then he would disagree with me and say I must have got it wrong. He wasn't affectionate during the day and didn't help out with the kids at all and his demands were just another to add to my list, on top of a full time job.

I'm in no position to offer you a solution, but I hope a glimpse into the possible future may make you both take action to dealing with it. We never did that, and now we are separating and I feel nothing when I look at him except resentment and distaste.

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