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Ok need some advice on a wierd perspective!

(13 Posts)
PersonalClown Fri 12-Jun-09 18:05:05

I have a slight issue with accepting gifts/help.
Yes odd I know but it's becoming a bit of an issue between DP and myself.
With parents (especially my mother) who are best, disinterested in my life, I have learnt over the years not to expect anything and to be completely independant.
Today I wanted to buy some shoes, Christ knows why as I am a complete shoe whore and have over 50 pairs already, but realised that Ds needed new clothes so I spent on him instead.
In a general 'how is you day going' chat with DP I mentioned that I didn't get my shoes and he said that He'd buy them for me and anything else that grabs my attention (within reason).
Almost immediately I started making excuses of having too many pairs and that I really didn't like them ( I LOVE THEM!)

Why, oh why, can I not just accept that someone occasionally wants to buy me something without a reason or agenda behind it?
And why do I have to be so pig headed about accepting help and make out that I can cope when I clearly can't?

BitOfFun Fri 12-Jun-09 18:28:38

Well you answered your own question, with the stuff about your parents.

I prescribe another conversation with DH during which you explain all this, and graciously allow him to buy you shoes until you feel so comfortable you are as spoilt as the Geldof girls smile

ahundredtimes Fri 12-Jun-09 18:32:03

oh I'm a bit like this

It's a self-reliance thing, you are used to being resilient and autonomous and it's quite difficult to stop, mostly because it gives you a secure feeling of control to know you are in charge of your decisions and your wishes. You probably don't like to feel grateful either. Though I think it's important to try and learn how to be.

If someone says they will buy you shoes - well it takes the wind out of your sails. I guess because it makes you uncomfortable because you aren't used to it. Also it is something to LEARN, how to accept things, how to appreciate it. Even if you're smiling nicely whilst thinking - I'd much rather have got these for myself.

That would be my analysis - unless you really do think he has an agenda. If you don't think he has an agenda but are just suddenly and irrationally irritated and lose interest in the shoes - it's because you are made uncomfortable by not doing things for yourself.

So. I think you go back and say to dp - 'I don't know why I said that. I would love those shoes. Are you happy to get them for me? Thank you v. much' - FAKE it basically. Learn to say 'thank you, that's made me so happy'.

It's a much better way to be, and a good lesson to learn

Quattrocento Fri 12-Jun-09 18:35:56

But is it a problem though?

Personally I hate being bought things - I feel uncomfortable. Isn't it just a personal quirk? Like whether or not you have milk in coffee?

<hopeful>

ahundredtimes Fri 12-Jun-09 18:39:47

Oh no Quatt. It's a proper full-grown isshoe. For shure.

and you've got it too grin

macdoodle Fri 12-Jun-09 19:21:31

Oh I am the same - have a lovely generous new DP who would lov to spoil me (his words) - I JUST.CANT.DO.IT - the furthest he got was buying the bark for my garden while I was chasing after DD2 - not quite the romantic gesture he was intending grin
am watching for good advice here!

PersonalClown Fri 12-Jun-09 19:51:18

Thank you for the replys.
BOF- we talk endlessly. It's one of the best things about our relationship. Knowing we can talk about anything that is bothering us and know that the other will not be offended in any way. He knows that I'm awkward(!) so he buys things when I'm not looking and presents them to me when I can't moan at him to take it back!grin
100x's -Agenda?? Noooooooo I can read him like a book and he would never do that as he knows I'd be gone quicker than he could say 'But....'
I am learning though... Endless questions of 'Are you sure?'

I think it's just that he has some confidence issues resulting from cheating exs etc and he's been alone for so long that he's actually enjoying spending on his own little 'family' unit(Ds is not his) and not the spoilt little shits neices and nephews.

Maybe I should give in as it is these I want at £40 a pair!

BitOfFun Fri 12-Jun-09 19:54:30

Well that's settled then- obviously you do NEED those shoes, they're gorgeous!!

macdoodle Sat 13-Jun-09 08:09:11

Gorgeous PC - Im craving a pair of birkenstocks - maybe will let him buy yhem nest time he is down - a pact maybe !!

Doha Sat 13-Jun-09 09:19:09

oooh u so much have these shoes.
In fact l would go a sfar as to say l NEED these shoes.

He sounds like a lovely guy, you are very lucky.envy

Accept his offer to buy you them---or for me if you really cant accept them. Size 4 thanks grin

PersonalClown Sat 13-Jun-09 09:27:27

He's already said he's going to buy them when they are back in stock at my shop as I get discount for being such a great customer AND he's buying me a new pair of trainers as my big skatey ones have finally given up the ghost!

Oh oh oh and he's building me a custom shoe rack to house my addiction!!
(smug? me? grin)

thumbwitch Sat 13-Jun-09 09:28:00

I used to be like that - I also used to reject compliments and in my case it came from low self esteem - as in, why would anyone want to give me nice things, be nice to me, tell me lies about how nice I look etc.

Maybe there is an element of that as well? Disinterested parents are likely to engender feelings of low self-worth - perhaps you could do some self-esteem building.

In the meantime, look at it like this - if it makes him happy to buy you stuff, then why would you want to deny him that bit of happiness? Let him do it and he will have warm fuzzy glow that he has done a lovely thing for you - and you have your lovely shoes!

PersonalClown Sat 13-Jun-09 09:35:07

Bullseye Thumbwitch. It's exactly that.
Doesn't help when you are 17, looking pretty good for a date and your mother turns round and says ' he'll take one look and run!'
Have major issues with my worth, looks, esteem etc but I'm working on them with the help of a very good friend and a very patient and carinf DP.

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