Lack of sleep - DH being a selfish pig

[ronniebean]

Hi There

Im wondering if any one can give me some advice on a situation, that is causing me deep depression.

I have a 15 month dd, who doesnt sleep well at all.
she will have 3 good nights sleep in a row, then 4 nights of waking at 11.30 pm and crying / screaming for a few hours.

I am a SAHM and my dh works part time - mon - weds only.

We have been married 12 years in november, I am 35 he is 59 and always had a good relationship, but for the last 6 months, our relationship has really started to deteriate.

I get very lonely during the 3 days that dh works, because im trying to get out to baby clubs etc, but making friends has always been really hard for me, so I feel low anyway.

When our dd was born, we agreed that i would do the bedtime to 3 am feeds - dh would do the rest - dh is an early riser (always up at 6am) however I am a late sleeper find it hard to sleep at night - and then always tired in the morning.

but we seemed to have reached an impossible situation, where DH wont get up to look in at the baby when she cries at night.

If she cries dh either

1. goes into the lounge and shuts the door to block out her crying and sleeps on the sofa
   
2. turns off the baby monitor -
   
3. or if already on the sofa - so totally ignores her
   
   he says because he gets up with her in the morning (hes up anyway) then I can have a lie in
   but I get up at the latest 8 am - cos he gets annoyed if i lie in bed to long.
   
   We seem to have reached this point were I am awake to 3 am in the morning with dd (4 nights out of 7) - and up at 7.30 am - whilst dh sleeps on.
   
   I feel so tired, and depressed, as we have had so many arguments over this, and the lack of help at night.
   but I think hes starting to enjoy it.
   
   Last night I resettled dd 4 times, got to sleep at about 2am awoke at 6 when dh got up - and got up at 7.30
   
   when i joined dh in the lounge he looked at me and said "tired" I nodded - and he looked almost happy.
   
   We argue about everything, I get really bad PMT and just feel so low, that I dont know what to do.
   he can be very verbally cruel, and is constantly saying that im miserable, but I dont know how I can be a ray of sunshine when Im so tired.
   
   DD is very demanding and needs 110% attention -
   
   has anyone been in this situation, we dont have a relationship any more - its like we just coexist, and im treading on egg shells constantly - because everything I say - we bicker about
   
   Ive tried talking - but nothing changes.
   
   I dont mind being up all night with dd - its part of being a mum - but shouldnt dh help out to ??
   
   also I run my own internet business dh is happy to spend the money I make (so he can go to part time work) but doesnt like me working at the computer.
   
   I have to do all my work as soon as dd goes to bed, at 7pm - and even that annoys him
   
   sigh - is there any hope for us
   
   thanks for reading

[lucykatie]

tell the selfish pig that he is being totally unreasonable and in my opinion he is acting like a spoilt child.

sometimes things do slip with child care etc, its happened to us, but as long as you can both have a sensible chat and turn things around again thats ok, but he wont even do that.

show him whos boss girl and dont get walked all over!

oh yeah and heres a hug!

[koalabear]

oh sweetie - being tired can be so soul destroying

a few questions, i hope not too personal

there's quite an age difference between you - did you DH want to have a child? it sounds, from what you say, that he is saying "you wanted the baby, you deal with it" - i hope i am wrong

regardless, something here is not working for you, so, i think you need to have someone you trust take care of your little one for a few hours, and then take him out of the house (perhaps on a nice walk) and tell him honestly how you feel

i think men talk better if they don't have to face you (my DH and I have our most honest and productive conversations in the car and walking in the country) as it feels less confrontational

tell him honestly what is going on in your life, how frustrated you feel, how lonely you feel, and unsupport - try not to critisize him, but just state how you feel and why - and then state VERY CLEARLY AND PRECISELY how he can help you - eg "It would be really helpful to me and make me feel very happy if you could ..... "

[vicdubya]

Right. Your dh only works 3 days a week. So can you do your work on the 2 other days while he minds dd? You will also be less tored cos strating work in the evenings after a long day with a toddler must be really hard. That leaves your evenings free - maybe you can get someone to babysit once in a while so you can go out?

Can you also try some tactics to get dd sleepigng sorted? I am just starting with ds he is 14 months, I have to say I have just started ignoring him if he wakes at night, to see if he goes back off. Usually he does!!

Could you agree to do alternate nights instead of "half each" (which it isn;t, in your case), so every other night you get some sleep?

And then maybe when you are a bit less tired you can start to sort out your relationship.

I can sympathise, my ds is BF and dh has never got up once in the night to him except when he has been ill & we had to share it for our sanity.

He has slept through maybe 30 times in 14 months so I know how hard it is and how it can affect your relationship(s).

[Bugsy2]

You have to get some sleep. I don't think nagging at him anymore will help. Phone up a few nanny agencies and get quotes for night nannies and do two things:

1. Given you earn more, just employ one anyway
   
2. Show him quotes & tell him that you cannot go on as you are at the moment & if he doesn't help, as agreed, then you are going to employ one.
   He is being unreasonable, unhelpful & selfish - so don't feel guilty about working out a solution yourself.

[sarahinphuket]

oh dear that sounds horrible.

is your DD waking up for milk or for something else in the middle of the night? if you are still breastfeeding, why not try mixed feeding and then go away for a night leaving him to cope. I know that might sound very unhelpful and that you probably wouldn't want to be away from your little one, but it might make him pull his socks up when he feels knackered after just one night of disturbed sleep....

[maltesers]

I had a similar prob with my ex and left him in the end. He was selfish bout the kids and left all the child care to me, even at weekends when he was off work. He never got up at night, never took the kids out together ever, never did any child care whatsoever. I went off him well and truly and left him, having fell in love with someone else. Try to tell him how much this whole thing is hurting you and if things dont change you are leaving. call his bluff.