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ok I KNOW i shouldnt have done it, but i did and now what should I do about it?? HELP!!

(87 Posts)
upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 17:27:12

I have been seeing my bf for about 6 months, i did something REALLY bad & looked through the texts on his phone. Don't know why really just found myself doing it. Much to my horror i found that he has been texting a girl he met last week saying how beautiful he thinks she is & would like to see her in the future shock
am seeing him tonight & supposed to be spending the weekend with him. He has acted completely normally with me & I am sure nothing actually happened between them when they met but obviously i feel that if he is doing that he cant really be into me.
feel sad, upset & a bit cross & dont know what to do or say sad
Please help

gingersquidge Fri 12-Jun-09 17:30:24

how serious would you say you have been over the last 6 months?

SolidGoldBrass Fri 12-Jun-09 17:30:40

Have you actually had a discussion with this man about whether or not your relationship is sexually exclusive? If you haven't, then it's time to have one.
But bear in mind that if he has not agreed to be in a monogamous relationship then he's not, actually, done anything wrong.

MagNacarta Fri 12-Jun-09 17:30:51

Oh dear, poor you.

You probably had some suspicions otherwise why check his phone.

How do you feel about him? how serious is the relationship?

ridingjoker Fri 12-Jun-09 17:31:15

if he's proper boyf, and its established you are exclusive i would dump someone for this behaviour.

if he's genuinly interested he will persue for a reason or explanation, and you should admit you read his text.

but tbh i think he wont particularly be bothered if he's texting this kinda thing to OW.

get shot and be well rid.

stripeypineapple Fri 12-Jun-09 17:33:49

In what circumstance was he meeting this other girl?

Perhaps you shouldn't have looked through his phone but he certainly shouldn't be texting another woman and telling her how beautiful she is if the two of you have decided that you are exclusive to each other. He is more in the wrong for his actions than you are for yours.

Tell him what you found and that it's not on and he can bugger off because you won't stand for this rubbish.

upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 17:33:52

thanks for your replies I have just got to drop kids off at their dads will be back in an hour sorry to rush off will reply properly then smile

poshsinglemum Fri 12-Jun-09 18:39:09

I would own up to what you have done and ask him why he is texting this girl. He dosn't sound like a keeper I'm afraid.

ninah Fri 12-Jun-09 18:41:58

I wouldn't even bother to go into this I would just dump him I have impossibly high standards for male behaviour these days, and that's not even a pass mark

upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 18:46:56

Message withdrawn

upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 18:50:36

We did talk about being exclusive to each other way back & i told him in no uncertain terms that if he ever slept with anyone else that would be it. that's one thing i have always been un swerving about with my bf's. thing is now i feel my trust in him has gone & i am wondering where he is all the time & if he is with her sad

skidoodle Fri 12-Jun-09 18:54:34

Don't go over.

You two don't see this relationship the same way.

You think things are going well and call him your boyfriend and he allows his friends to set him up with someone else at a large social event.

Sorry but if you have any sense of self-preservation you will end the relationship starting tonight. You are going to be hurt at some point, might as well take the medicine bus on your own terms.

skidoodle Fri 12-Jun-09 18:56:17

Not medicine bus (although that does sound cool) but medicine NOW

ninah Fri 12-Jun-09 18:58:23

no, medicine bus is great
I've a feeling I will be catching that medicine bus myself soon, a bit unpleasant but takes you somewhere else ... like it!
go on op, stick out your hand and flag it down!

upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 19:03:10

loving the medicine bus idea!

i guess you are right it seems crazy to be thinking otherwise when i see it in black & white like that & yes it would be better on my terms than his. oh bloody hell why is life so difficult. still cant own up to what i have done tho. hell i am supposed to be leaving now...

upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 19:03:42


makipuppy Fri 12-Jun-09 19:06:36

I think for your own closure in the relationship, you could tell him you need to talk to him urgently in person and that your weekend plans are on hold.

Tell him you had a 'second sense' that something was up after (whenever the wedding was), you're sorry you snooped, but under the circumstances you're glad you did because you will not have anything less than a faithful partner. Then let him say what he has to say.

It's not ideal, because he has flirted, but zero tolerance may make him see what he's losing - you'll make your own judgement on trusting him.

flourybaps Fri 12-Jun-09 19:09:52

I wouldnt go, and I would fess up to looking through his phone and finding the text. If you want an exclusive relationship it dosent look like your going to get it from him, he was saying he would like to meet up with her!

I would be furious and out of there tbh.

Good luck

skidoodle Fri 12-Jun-09 19:20:22

LOL @ ninah

Don't leave. Order a pizza and run a bath. Call your best friend. Cry.

Wallowing is encouraged on the medicine bus

You don't ever have to speak to him again if you don't want and you certainly are under no obligation to confess or explain.

flourybaps Fri 12-Jun-09 19:23:47

Yes, thats a much better idea skidoodle, pamper yourself......... why confess, just leave him guessing, you dont owe him anything

Jux Fri 12-Jun-09 19:24:46

Have you seen shineys thread on a similar situation? I think you should try the Penguin Clubwink

upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 19:26:57

my best friend is one of his friends thats how we met & dont feel i can talk to her about this esp what i have done.
right i think i am going to go over there & tell him it's not working & leave it at that i just cant confess.. hope you all dont think i am spineless. thanks for your advice, i will keep you posted x

upsetandshocked Fri 12-Jun-09 19:27:36

oh no i havent & what's the penguin club?!!

ninah Fri 12-Jun-09 19:30:21

you don't even need to see him, just leave him to wonder
or dump him by text
there is a v funny thread in mn classics about someone who found out her bf was flirting and set him up spectacularly

bohemianbint Fri 12-Jun-09 19:34:08

Oh yeah, could do with another penguin thread!

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