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Do I have an affair if he will never find out?

(37 Posts)
lizzyboo Fri 12-Jun-09 14:19:32

Ok, been with DP for 5 years 2 children, he's my best friend and I love him, but not how I should anymore. We don't sleep together and sleep in separate bedrooms. I know he loves me but we are like brother and sister now.
I have a male friend who I always flirt with and kissed when out with a couple of weeks ago. Friend and I have been texting and its pretty clear that if I am up for a fling so is he. My DP would not find out, I spend time with this friend and go out with him every few weeks. Do I do it?

poshwellies Fri 12-Jun-09 14:20:17


VanessaMuchLessa Fri 12-Jun-09 14:21:00

come on you know the answer.

What are you really asking?

Stumblebum Fri 12-Jun-09 14:21:15


Mutt Fri 12-Jun-09 14:21:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thefearlessfreak Fri 12-Jun-09 14:21:35

You are actually going to make this sort of decision based on the opinions of a group of random strangers? If my opinion matters to you so much- don't do it

AddictedtoCrunchies Fri 12-Jun-09 14:22:24


nowwearefour Fri 12-Jun-09 14:22:39

this wont get a good reaction on here. i would prepare to be flamed for even asking the question. rather obvious thing to say is how on earth do you think you wont get caught? what about your children? separation to be with another man if you dont think your relationship is right is one thing (though even that i would caution against by saying try to save your current relationship before anything else). short answer is very very obvious. of course you should not do this.

mrsboogie Fri 12-Jun-09 14:23:37

err you didn't mention that you had a partner the other day when you were asking this same question.

You are a bit silly aren't you?

poshwellies Fri 12-Jun-09 14:25:22

Why don't you have the balls to tell your dh that you want a open marriage?

See what his response is,maybe he wants to shag other people too?.

hf128219 Fri 12-Jun-09 14:25:25

You might need this.

And then this.

wickerman Fri 12-Jun-09 14:26:42

I don't know if you are a troll or not.
The OP seems a bit glib.
But I think the MN protocol of "separate first" is not always realistic. Longterm relationships are messy. Yours is obviously problematic in some areas as you are sleeping in separate rooms. The question is is your dp holding out for you, is he hoping that you will eventually come back to him, or have you decided on a platonic arrangement because your marriage works in other ways, because of kids etc ( Me and xdp are thinking about doing this.) If the latter is true then you probably need to have an agreement about how you and dp satisfy yourselves sexually......otherwise you are deceiving him. It's the deception of a man you claim to love that you will be flamed for. Not the infidelity per se.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Fri 12-Jun-09 14:27:44

Message withdrawn

BionicleBill Fri 12-Jun-09 14:28:41

Yesterday actually.

OP, I think you need to get a grip.

scottishmummy Fri 12-Jun-09 14:31:19

aye if you want to rip family apart,act like an immoral tart and put getting your hole before valuing and maintaining your family

oh i see you have already kissed your other man.oh well you obviously dont need an moral lesson as you are impervious to morals

if your marriage is cooled or lacks zing then you both share responsibility to try revive it
>some you time
> couple fun not just mummy and daddy

5 years ago taking vows did you think you would be contemplating this?Bet not

unfortunately some numnut will post a sympathetic poor lil ole you,oh it is just an emotional affair

emotional affair being how immoral people like you try intellectualise and sanitise affairs

and no i pewrsonally havent been affected by affairs but have seen the damage they do

KristinaM Fri 12-Jun-09 14:31:24

is it the school holidays already?

oh no, its STUDY leave, isn't it?

OP, you wont pass your exams this way. please get back to revising

Rhubarb Fri 12-Jun-09 14:32:59

Do your husband a favour and divorce him will you? So he can find someone he deserves, instead of being lumbered with you.

Is this your first post btw? You come onto a parenting forum to ask permission to have an affair? Really?

Mutt Fri 12-Jun-09 14:37:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Fri 12-Jun-09 14:43:34

im always amazed at MNetters abilty to seek out and locate pertinent facts to expose tits making up stories

christ you guys could find Bin laden

BionicleBill Fri 12-Jun-09 14:44:59

SM you underestimate the powers of memory...are we supposed to forget everything we read yesterday?

AMumInScotland Fri 12-Jun-09 14:45:54

If you were 14 and asking if it was ok to two-time your boyfriend instead of splitting up with him, I'd say no.

Do you think your relationship is so unimportant?

If you think your relationship with DP has changed to the point where you are just housemates, then talk to him to make sure this is also his understanding of the situation, and what the groundrules are for each of you having other relationships. eg no partners staying over in your shared house.

Then go ahead and start a relationship with the other bloke if that's what you want.

But if you feel you have to do this in secret, that can only be because you have not yet resolved your current relationship, and I don't think it's fair to treat anyone that way.

CountessDracula Fri 12-Jun-09 14:47:21

oh don't be such a moron (if you are real)
oh don't be such a moron (if you are 14yo who has finally got bored of wanking in your bedroom)

Hulababy Fri 12-Jun-09 14:47:35

You say you love him, but do you respect him? Do you value him as a person?

If he were to find out one day would it hur him? If your children were to find out one day would thyey be hurt by it?

I suspect the answer to much of that is YES.
Having an affair is wrong. It is a complete betrayal of trust and seriously disrespectful to your DP.

ZZZenAgain Fri 12-Jun-09 14:49:03

try out the "do unto others" test. If he were to have an affair with another woman whilst you were plodding on being faithful but he thought you would not find out about it, would that be fine with you? If he has been kissing some other woman recently and perhaps had sex with her, is that alright because you haven't been confronted with it?

If you think it wouldn't bother him, you'd be open about it, so he would obviously not like it. In that case, is he that clear that you are just friends living together forthe sake of the children?

poopscoop Fri 12-Jun-09 14:49:24

OP - only read your title, not even your post but in answer to that - Dont be so ridiculous.

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