I have been lurking for a while but this is my first post here. I've seen that you are all so helpful and full of wonderful advice for people, and although, to be honest, I've tried to avoid posting by hunting for someone in the same situation, I haven't been able to.
The reason for the avoidance is I just don't know where to begin.
My partner and I have been together 3 years. We have a 2 year old child and we live together in a council flat in both of our names. Since the start, he's had an alcohol and drugs problem. When he would drink he would fly into violent rages, never actually 'hitting' me but throwing things, pushing me, grabbing my throat. He was extremely loving afterwards, and I craved that, really, as I was very insecure. I saw his deep paranoia (for the first year I couldn't raise my eyes above pavement level in case I made eye contact with a male - this continued on and off but has thankfully stopped now. He didn't TELL me not to raise my eyes but would scream and shout and call me slag, slut, whore, so I made the desicion to do it and I think he liked that - it wasn't his fault that way) as love for me, that he couldn't bear another man taking me away.
Things came to a head last August when I had to phone the police and he was arrested for assault. It was a minor incident, in comparison but things had been getting worse for a few weeks and I felt at breaking point. He was convicted of assault and sentenced to attend the IDAP program (domestic violence course)as well as a two year community sentance.
I made the decision to give him another chance. I know many people would say that was stupid, I should have left while I had the chance - but I'd believed for ages that if he was just made to see what he was doing, how much he was hurting me he would change.
He is attending the program and has made postive changes to his life. He rarely drinks, certainly doesn't get drunk often and if he does, which is probably once or twice this year, we have agreed that he won't come home and will sleep at his dads. He hasn't touched drugs since the arrest.
He is very careful not to exhibit controlling behavior, as the course is teaching him. For example, he will always be positive about me going out for the night, not try and make me feel bad (or, as he used to do, worried, like "well if you go out tonight I know what you are like you'll probably get drunk and get off with someone well just wait until I go out tomorrow then you'll see")
He has changed - a lot. I don't feel scared to come home anymore. Yet I don't feel happy. I decided to forgive and give him another chance - he told me he wanted to change for the sake of our son and me. But I still feel like he owns me.
I feel like the course is teaching him how to control me in a new, more undercover way. Could I be being paranoid? It's so hard to give an example, I've read here about emotional abuse - he displays many of the 'classic' signs - the 'jokes' that I'm an idiot, the accusing me of nagging however nicely or reasonable I ask him to clear up after himself. The telling me that he gets to make more decisions because he earns more money. I work 26 hours a week and run a small business from home that isn't very profitable, to be honest. He wants me to get a 'real' job so that we can get 'things' a corner sofa, a flat screen TV - these things don't matter to me. He wants to keep our son in nursery because they can 'provide for him better than I can - they do more things with him that I do"
He reminds me constantly about money and how much I spend an that he pays the council tax and the gas & electric. How he drives me around, as I can't drive. How he supports my business by taking me to craft fairs. I'll say "Oh I cooked dinner, would you mind just washing your plate so I can have a little sit down?" "You sit down all day, I'm on my feet, and by the way, did you take any money out of my bank/go to the bank for me/clean the litter tray?"
I feel like maybe I'm not giving him the chance that I told him I would, that I can't forgive him for how he has been in the past. You probably know as well as I do how hard it is to leave someone - I don't have any family around here, he knows I don't have anywhere else to go or any real finance to do so. I've asked him to leave but he says he wants to live with his son - and I won't take that away from him.
We just had a big row because he came home for lunch and said he had to go really soon, I said, oh but you get an hour and he started saying that I was so needy and clingy and needed him here and can't I cope without him, I must be jealous of him and his job because I don't do anything all day (I work evenings)
Does anyone have any advice for me? Is there a way to get him to realise he is still hurting me, just on a less obvious level than before, or do you think it's time to give up?
Thank you for listening xx
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Is he still abusing and controlling me?
twinklesky · 10/06/2009 16:54
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