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Am I right to not trust this woman......

(134 Posts)
nikki1978 Wed 10-Jun-09 15:08:15

My DH are very happily married and have been together 8 years now and have two DC. We rarely argue and we get on very well. We also have a great sex life. All in all we have a very solid relationship. DH is a very friendly guy and makes friends easily and gets involved in lots of different projects where he meets new people. He set up his own business last year which is going well and as part of it joined a local networking group. He met lots of people there but became particularly friendly with one woman who he invited out to the pub with his friends a few times. She is 15 years older than him but when he met her he said to me that she looks very good for her age and is what his friends would call a MILF. She has three kids and is divorced. I met her a couple of months after he did and she seemed nice enough if a bit of an attention whore around men (the sort who wants everyone to fancy her). She had a boyfriend at the time who was 19 years younger (they broke up a few months ago) and she is clearly into younger men. Anyway 2 months ago I came home from work early and she answered my own door to me. Wasn't bothered by this as I had told DH that I was on my way home so there was no dodgyness on his part. Apparently she comes to our house every Wednesday to help him do the reports for their networking group. This made me a little uneasy but didn't worry about it. When she went home DH told me that she has told a friend of his (one he introduced her to) that several of the people at their networking group thought they were having an affair. DH thought it was funny but I was a bit upset and asked him why they might think that. He said that he always gave her a hug hello (no biggie he does that to everyone) and they always left together and went to have coffee and gossip afterwards. I said I didn't realise they had coffee alone together every week and why hadn't he mentioned it. He said it never occured to him and it wasn't a big deal. I festered on it a bit and told him that the whole thing bothered me and was starting to worry me. He got a bit upset that I had doubted him for a bit - which I admitted I did but then decided I trusted him and was sure nothing was going on. He said he would stop seeing her for the coffees if I wanted but thought that was "a bit sad" if I wanted him to stop. I said no it was fine but I felt I should have been aware of it. Anyway that was all forgotten but since then I guess I am wary of her and notice everything she does. Like I saw an email from her where she calls him "thmelly" i.e annoying babytalk for smelly. She also says "hello gorgeous" whenever she sees him. She came round the other day (he had said to her on Facebook "fancy popping over for a brew?". I heard him answer the door and she said "hello gorgeous" then saw me and said "oh hello" as if she didn't expect me to be there. There are a few things like that which make me very wary of her....

I am probably being over dramatic but would this bother anyone else?

DH found our his mother was having an affair when he was 11 by accident and it broke his family apart. He has never really forgiven her. He has said before to me that an affair is unforgivable and you only go elsewhere if something is wrong in your relationship so you should deal with your problems or split up in his eyes.

I really, really don't think anything is going on but this woman is really starting to bother me.

AIBU?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Wed 10-Jun-09 15:14:11

Message withdrawn

mynameis Wed 10-Jun-09 15:15:44

That was a bt hard to read, maybe repost with some gaps in the text.

No you cannot trust her from what you have said but lets face it men just don't really get it do they. My dp seems oblivious to all those voracious man eating types who speak to him.

At this point you should be voicing your concerns to your DH and not having her in the house, can't they meet somewhere neutral for this Wednesday meeting
?

Stumblebum Wed 10-Jun-09 15:16:25

Your dh sounds trustworthy though, but maybe just a bit innocent! She sounds like ... bad news!

traceybath Wed 10-Jun-09 15:17:20

You are right to be a little suspicious of her motives in my opinion.

Think i would have another chat with DH saying that although you trust him you don't trust her. Also reverse the situation and ask how he'd feel in your position.

He wouldn't be human if he wasn't flattered by the attention but sounds like its getting to be a bit much.

Maveta Wed 10-Jun-09 15:17:34

oh that's really hard. I guess it comes down to whether you trust him? If you do then it shouldn't matter if you don't trust her.

I still wouldn't be comfortable though likewise wouldn't want to dictate who he could be friends with. I imagine your dh might be enjoying the fawning female attention without any intention of taking it further. Her intentions are anyone's guess.

I think it's normal you feel a bit wary but not sure what to suggest.. sorry! I think your dh needs to be honest about whether it is really her company and scintillating conversation that he so admires or the fact that she makes him feel like a stud. If it's the latter he should think about how that must make you feel.

Don't trust her, she sounds like a snake. But also (sorry) don't trust him. I mean just don't blindly 100% put your faith in him, you read a lot on here from women whose 100% trustworthy men who used to find cheating abhorrent are suddenly found to be having an affair with the first women to offer it on a plate.

I'm afraid I'd be putting my foot down on her neck.

moopymoo Wed 10-Jun-09 15:19:04

agree it doesnt really sound like anything is goingon exactly but she def bad news. Think i would be getting very involved in their relationship and making sure I was all over dh when she was about. plus telling him that I did trust him but that I didnt trust her and can I come for coffee? agree your dh sounds a bit thick when it comesto TheWaysof (some) Women.

SemperEadem Wed 10-Jun-09 15:21:35

I wouldn't like it either and I do think that maybe your dh could meet her elsewhere as mynameis said.

I think your DH should make more of an effort to reassure you though. Just keep an eye is the only advice I can give really. See, I hate women like this, I wouldn't dream of calling another womans husband gorgeous no matter how gregarious or friendly a person I was. I do call my friends, petal, flower etc etc but another man's husband - never.

nikki1978 Wed 10-Jun-09 15:21:50

Repost as suggested by mynameis - sorry I tend to get a bit carried away tying and forget basic grammar grin

My DH are very happily married and have been together 8 years now and have two DC. We rarely argue and we get on very well. We also have a great sex life. All in all we have a very solid relationship.

DH is a very friendly guy and makes friends easily and gets involved in lots of different projects where he meets new people. He set up his own business last year which is going well and as part of it joined a local networking group. He met lots of people there but became particularly friendly with one woman who he invited out to the pub with his friends a few times. She is 15 years older than him but when he met her he said to me that she looks very good for her age and is what his friends would call a MILF. She has three kids and is divorced. I met her a couple of months after he did and she seemed nice enough if a bit of an attention whore around men (the sort who wants everyone to fancy her). She had a boyfriend at the time who was 19 years younger (they broke up a few months ago) and she is clearly into younger men.

Anyway 2 months ago I came home from work early and she answered my own door to me. Wasn't bothered by this as I had told DH that I was on my way home so there was no dodgyness on his part. Apparently she comes to our house every Wednesday to help him do the reports for their networking group. This made me a little uneasy but didn't worry about it. When she went home DH told me that she has told a friend of his (one he introduced her to) that several of the people at their networking group thought they were having an affair. DH thought it was funny but I was a bit upset and asked him why they might think that. He said that he always gave her a hug hello (no biggie he does that to everyone) and they always left together and went to have coffee and gossip afterwards. I said I didn't realise they had coffee alone together every week and why hadn't he mentioned it. He said it never occured to him and it wasn't a big deal. I festered on it a bit and told him that the whole thing bothered me and was starting to worry me. He got a bit upset that I had doubted him for a bit - which I admitted I did but then decided I trusted him and was sure nothing was going on. He said he would stop seeing her for the coffees if I wanted but thought that was "a bit sad" if I wanted him to stop. I said no it was fine but I felt I should have been aware of it.

Anyway that was all forgotten but since then I guess I am wary of her and notice everything she does. Like I saw an email from her where she calls him "thmelly" i.e annoying babytalk for smelly. She also says "hello gorgeous" whenever she sees him. She came round the other day (he had said to her on Facebook "fancy popping over for a brew?". I heard him answer the door and she said "hello gorgeous" then saw me and said "oh hello" as if she didn't expect me to be there. There are a few things like that which make me very wary of her....

I am probably being over dramatic but would this bother anyone else?

DH found our his mother was having an affair when he was 11 by accident and it broke his family apart. He has never really forgiven her. He has said before to me that an affair is unforgivable and you only go elsewhere if something is wrong in your relationship so you should deal with your problems or split up in his eyes.

I really, really don't think anything is going on but this woman is really starting to bother me.

AIBU?

SemperEadem Wed 10-Jun-09 15:21:55

errr - woman's huband!

LovingtheSilverFox Wed 10-Jun-09 15:22:36

Your DH sounds like mine, likes the attention, but fairly naive as to where it could all lead. I think you should definately talk to him about it, and as traceybath says, point out how he would feel if things were the other way around.

muffle Wed 10-Jun-09 15:28:03

Well, I wouldn't like it, and I am a fairly relaxed sort, for example I'm not bothered about my DP meeting up with his exes and having female friends. But she does sound predatory and as if she is thinking along the lines of an affair, even if he isn't.

When you told him you were worried, that doesn't mean you were accusing him of anything - you're just anxious and I think that's fair enough. It sounds to me as if he's enjoying the attention and is at best being a bit naive, at worst he's getting a bit caught up in this and doesn't want to admit it.

I would sit him down when in calm mode and talk to him about all this, his feelings about affairs, and why you are concerned. Calmy go through the facts about what goes on between them and ask him if he would honestly be 100% relaxed if this was you and a male friend. And tell him you are not sad, you are wary and you would like to be sure your relationship will not end up like his parents' did, and that he may not realise it but things can get out of hand.

mrsboogie Wed 10-Jun-09 15:33:15

I echo what everyone else said. He sounds a open and honest as you are likely to get in a man and he may not have a clue about her agenda when it comes to men BUT she is clearly up to no good. In fact his naivete and lack of interest are more likely than not going to be an added incentive to her, if anything.

You have been very reasonable so far and of course you don't want react in such a way that he has to tell her that they have to limit their contact because she could use this to form a little alliance against you based on you being unreasonable about them being just good friends.

I would be all over him when she is about and I would only say that you prefer she was only invited around when you were there as this will give her the message that he doesn't see anything in it.

I would also be tempted to say something about the baby talk (which is well dodgy)in front of them both to make sure she knows you are aware of it and find it silly, or respond to one of her emails to him and say "thmelly" isn't here at the moment hmm.

And definitely no going out drinking together (him and her)

chipkid Wed 10-Jun-09 15:39:56

I think the advice around reversing the situation and asking him how he would feel is a good idea. I can also understand that you would be upset at others thinking that they are having an affair even though it appears that they are not. It is belittling to you to have these comments made.

Your Dh sounds reasonable enough I think you should explain how this makes you feel

nikki1978 Wed 10-Jun-09 15:45:26

I have just thought of something else that may invalidate my arguement..... she has babysat for us a couple of times as she really wanted to (she says she is feeling broody) and she wanted us to spend time together.

I am starting to confuse myself! I know if I bring up how bothered I am DH will remind me of this. Maybe I am way off track here but all the other stuff seems so dodgy.

lilacclaire Wed 10-Jun-09 15:46:53

I think its good that he invited her over when you were there and he didn't mention this to her. It shows that there's no issue with him if your there or not iyswim.
She obviously has other intentions, as she changed her greeting when she seen you.
She may now get the message that your husband is open and friendly and 'thats it'.
She sounds very predatory and your husband needs to be aware of this.

lilacclaire Wed 10-Jun-09 15:48:52

I agree that she might be trying to form an allegiance against you by making you seem unreasonable.

Pinkjenny Wed 10-Jun-09 15:49:55

I think as long as you trust your husband, and he sounds like a good egg, don't worry about her.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Wed 10-Jun-09 15:52:06

Message withdrawn

modernart Wed 10-Jun-09 15:56:04

She may have taken the babysitting opportunity to have a good look through your things?

junglist1 Wed 10-Jun-09 15:57:13

I agree with Reality. You have to be the master of manipulation with this one. GOD I feel like thumping her one for existing.

SueMunch Wed 10-Jun-09 15:59:09

I don't think you are unreasonable to be suspicious of this woman's intentions.

Your DH seems very open and trusting and I doubt that anything has happened.

I agree that you choose a time when you are both relaxed and bring it up in a non-accusatory manner. Tell him it makes you feel uncomfortable, especially the baby talk.

It doesn't meean he has to lose contact with her, but make him aware that there are bondaries and she seems to have crossed a few.

noddyholder Wed 10-Jun-09 16:00:29

She does sound a bit sinister or incredibly lonely.It would bother me tbh not sure why as I have a solid relationship and not much gets to me but that would

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Jun-09 16:01:20

I would trust this worm of a woman about as far as I could throw her. She sounds exceedingly predatory. There are a few red flags here (the meetings for coffee and gossip after the group meetings for one; that needs to be completely curtailed by your H as it is also giving him a reputation within this group too) which can be a precursor to an emotional affair.

Many emotional affairs start completely innocently in not too dissimilar a manner and I think your H has acted innocently albeit with some naivety to date.

Do not have her babysit any more for your own family unit, find another sitter.

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