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alcoholism - and deceipt

(4 Posts)
unworthy Wed 10-Jun-09 13:12:27

aw for heavens sake - i've found the hidden qtr and half bottles of vodka - again. this is the third time in the space of 20 months.

The first time I found out was 3 months before our second child was born. The second time as during a patch of depression, and now again.

each time he blames stress.

Sex life has been rubbish ever since. we've prbably only managed about 10 times in last 18 months. that's awful. thing is, i'm at the point of just not fancying him anymore. he's gotten lazy, drinks too much, comes to bed late because he is watching porn - making up for the fact that our sex life is rubbish. and of course i'm knackered with the two kids, and our business to run.

i'm at the point of wanting to have an affair to fullfil my needs - I want to be and feel sexy - without having to do all the work myself.

I won't leave just yet, but am getting there. I want to be happy, and i feel happiest at the moment when dh is not around.

first time i found hidden vodka, i went nuts - well I was 7 months preggers at the time! second time i did a much more gentle approach, found out about support groups, taked to my gp etc. and now here we are again - do you know what i just don't have the time - sounds dreadful, but if twice i asked him to curtail, seek help, and that i would help him and he still hasn 't how can i do it for him if he isn't prepared to help himself!?

anyone got similar (angry)

MIFLAW Wed 10-Jun-09 14:02:02

You should go to Al-Anon; he should go to AA; you should leave him (at least temporarily) if he won't.

Blunt but, unless there are other factors, probably right.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 10-Jun-09 14:23:21


You want to also look at the "Support thread for the partners of addicts" on these pages. You may find that useful reading too.

Al-anon can help you and they have a helpline number you can call.

You have two chidren - they will also be affected by their Dad's drinking problem as well no matter how much you will try and try to shield it from them. They will be aware of the unhappiness within their home. What I am trying to write here as well is it is not just about you any more.

Having an affair won't solve anything: this just highlights the fact that there are problems within your marriage. If you want out you make a clean break (and your children will thank you for that as well). Only around 4% of alcoholics make it to AA; he may not want to go. He may well also be in complete denial that he has a problem with alcohol.

There are no guarantees here; he could lose everything and yet still continue to drink. You cannot make him seek help and also (which is hard to take as well) you cannot help these people. They have to want to help their own selves - you cannot do it for them.

There are three c's you need to remember with regards to alcoholism:-

You did not cause it
You cannot cure it
You cannot control it

unworthy Wed 10-Jun-09 15:37:23

thanks for these kind words - i'm not going to actively seek an affair - i know that is not the answer - i just need some space and to get it all in perspective.

one of the things that people with drink problems don't understand, is the risk that they pose to others - should he get behind the wheel ...what if....and my 2 sons are the most precious be cherished.

i have found my next Al-anon meeting and put it in the diary, thank you for the three c's - i'm going to have a quick look now at the other thread

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