How can I catch him?

[Laura22]

Hi,

I have never done this before but feel like I have tried everything else and hope someone will be able to help.

Last Feb I started suspecting my DH was having an affair with someone at his work. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. It started with me finding suspicious text messages on his phone. It seemed everytime I checked his phone there were messages I shouldn't see. He constantly denies that anything is wrong but deep down I know things have changed with us. He has recently been diagnosed with depression and is trying to blame our lack of sex life on that. We haven't been intimate for 14 months. Before the diagnosis he blamed it on the pregnancy. Now he is implying that I am not coping and that is why I am seeing things.

Any ideas how I can get through to him?

[bethoo]

why are you not having sex with him? that is a long time in any relationship not to be intimate.
what did he say about the text messages? and what did the texts say? were they implying they were having an affair?
have you confronted him about your suspicions?>

[Laura22]

I have been trying for months to have sex with him. Everytime I mention it or start anything he snaps at me and pushes me away. Feel I have tried everything - I am only 30 and a woman has needs!!!

The texts were to a girl in his office saying things like I am missing you, lots of kisses (which is so unlike my DH), and as soon as his phone goes he runs away and deletes the texts so I can't see them. Everytime I touch his phone he just about has a heart attack. He says that nothing is going on and they are just friends and that he is being silly

[bethoo]

well to be honest i think he is having an affair. have you not seen this girl or called her? i would go psycho and call the marriage wrecker! but violence is not the answer!
it is up to you, if he is making no effort then do you really want to be in a marriage when he is blatantly getting his affections elsewhere?

[Laura22]

I know - if only it was me then that would be that. I have a 10month old daughter and dn't want her to come from a broken home. Deep down i still love him as well.

[bethoo]

this is probably the best time as she is still young and so are you. i was in a relationship for 2 years and had two children with a man who it turned out i was the mistress as he was already in a relationship. i thought my kids would grow up without a father but i am now with a man who loves my children like his own and we are preparing for the arrival of another baby so don't think that you will be alone.
isn't it best to be without a man than with a man who has no respect and your child may grow up believing that is how women should be treated by men?

[Overmydeadbody]

Laura even if you stay with your DH your DD will come from a broken home, you haven't had sex for 14 months, that's pretty broken to me.

Nothing wrong with children growing up in single parent families if the parent is then happy and content

[poshsinglemum]

There is no such thing as a broken home but if you stay with a cheater you will end up a broken woman. Find out the truth.
Mabe you can salvage your relationship if you go to councelling. Some people work through an affair.

[abedelia]

The longer it goes on the worse it will be and he may well walk out one day anyway - you need to get it all out in the open to see whther it is a fantasy (in which case once people know about it and it is not a sneaky secret, the relationship will look a lot less attractive - faced with actually having to go and live with her as you are throwing him out, she may be a much worse full time proposition).

Get her number, find out who she is and whether she is also married - distinct possibility otherwise I'm sure she'd have been pressuring him to leave you before now.

At the moment, your relationship is not a good role model for your dd. She will grow up thinking it is normal for parents to be unaffectionate with each other and for you to be constantly depressed because you are so suspicious.

What is worse - constantly snooping and being suspicious / unfulfilled by someone who can't bear to be near you (probably out of guilt), or knowing what's up (which to be honest you already do), dealing with it and moving on?

[bluejelly]

I promise you being with a philanderer is far worse than being a single mum... I also didn't want my dd to grow up in a broken home - but my ex left me no choice but to leave... he was a serial womaniser ( I had no idea when we got together)

I did leave ( though it took me a long while!) and have now met someone else who I trust 100%. He's also great with my daughter.

You don't have to put up with bad behaviour, you really don't.

[Laura22]

Thanks. I know what you are all saying is correct - I just know that I need to be 100% sure before I do anything drastic. I know plenty of single mums and they do a great job so I am sure I would cope just fine. I worry about upsetting the whole family as well. Also don't want to be on my own again.

[bethoo]

i think that the fact your dp is texting some other woman and does not want to be intimate with you is all the proof you need.
dont be afraid, once you let him go you will be over the hardest part.

[juliaruralwife]

I sypathise so much with you - I know from experience how it feels to find those sort of txts. I think you have already caught him really, havn't you?

You're "seeing things" are you? I doubt it. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS! They are rarely wrong in these matters.

Confront him, tell him that your marriage is over. If he is all contrite and devestated (get ready for an Oscar winning performance) and you love him and want it to work try counselling.

However your doubts and the lack of trust on going over the future years is super damaging. You can tell yourself that you are over it and that he has changed but unfortunately once he has got away with it once he is likely to do it again.

Ask yourself - do you want to be at home with 2 small children, with all that that entails, worrying that he is at it again? Life is too short.

Personally I regret hanging on in there - and we are talking 5 years down the line; the wounds are so easily opened.

Good luck

[SFC80]

When my partner was having an affair he suddenly started hiding his phone. It was always on silent. The inbox and sentbox were deleted all the time. He would panic if I got hold of it. It all looks very familiar

Have you asked him why he is deleting the texts and being so secretive about his phone? What is his excuse? I told my partner that if he had nothing to hide he wouldn't mind me looking at his phone and he wouldn't be deleting all his messages/call history and he couldn't argue with me. Like your partner though, he denied it constantly.

In the end I found a dodgy text and called the other woman. I think that's the only chance of getting an answer. I would ring the woman and tell her that you have found a text on your partner's phone which tells you they are involved and can she please explain what is going on.

I hope nothing is going on, but if he is innocent and wants you to trust him, he needs to stop acting so suspiciously x

[bethoo]

my ex used to take the phone to the toilet with him and in the bathroom, he never left it on the table! it never left his side!

[whatdoyouallthink]

Can you get hold of the phone bill? Then you would be able to see just how much he is texting her and then have her phone number. If he knows you know about the texts already why is he still texting her if he knows its 'silly' .

You are not imagining things go with your instinct its normally always right in these situations. They all try to turn it round to the wife with all the 'your imagining it' crap (which is just that crap!). Deep down you know something is wrong so follow that up. It does all sound a little suspicious so much of your post rings true with how my H was with me when he was having an affair.

For what its worth I never thought I would manage on my own with my 3 dc but I have and you know what, I really like having just the dc to worry about now. It is hard but its better then worrying about what my lying cheating h was upto and rowing with him every night.

[Queenoftheharpies]

I think playing detective will only make you more unhappy - the fact that know he is texting someone else, and that he seems less interested in you is enough on its own to force the issue.

My DP had an affair a few years ago, and regrowing the trust between us is an ongoing process - but it can be done. Not until he admits what's going on and calls a halt to it though.

[HappyWoman]

even if they are only just friends it is not making you feel good is it and he is putting her needs and his before yours - that is not a relationship is it?

I no longer will allow my h to have female friends unless i have met them first - he lost that privalige a long time ago when he was 'only friends' for a year (but of course it was more and was an affair).

Follow your gut - if you dont feel good then act on it - whatever he says about it being your fault it is not true.

[cheltenhamgal]

Someone has mentioned on mumsnet before a device that lets you see the last 20 deleted texts on someones phone, cant remember which thread though sorry

[gagamama]

If you can find out the name or number of the girl he is texting, you could edit his phonebook so your number is under her name (or a decoy number if he'd recognise yours - you can get free PAYG sims from most networks). Then the next text he sends to her will go to you instead.

[Laura22]

You've been here before gagamama. I was thinking the same thing!!