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how do i find more to talk about with DP?

(12 Posts)
canigotobedyet Tue 09-Jun-09 18:01:08

I'm SO bored. Have been for quite some time. Leaving isn't an option (am pg with twins) and I don't have any other problems with DH apart from sheer solid boredom.

He's a bit of a bore about his own subject, and likes delivering monologues. But unless he's doing the talking, he's not really interested in conversation.

When sitting next to some internationally famous fascinating giant of public life at dinner [this happens because of where we live/work], he will deliver a monologue about his day involving catching two trains, visiting colleagues and picking up his bike from the bike shop. Giant of public life will then turn away without another word and DP will conclude that dinners are boring and he'd rather be at work.

He's also not really interested in stuff generally, stuff that interests me (or in my topics of geekdom, though I do kind of understand that). He doesn't read newspapers critically, doesn't read anything else at all unless it's work stuff, and geeks out into his own world if I try to talk about anything else, or put on the TV, or suggest we go and do something that isn't work (or the sport he plays).

Attempts to get him to join clubs or go to museums or go on interesting city breaks (or interesting non-city breaks) are met with polite engagement that lasts as long as he thinks i'm paying attention.


Overmydeadbody Tue 09-Jun-09 18:05:36

Oh dear.

I was going to say be an active listener, but he really does sound like a boring old fart.

Overmydeadbody Tue 09-Jun-09 18:06:01

Leaving is always an option.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 09-Jun-09 18:07:59

I would go do your own thing more. Doing stuff with him doesn't sound that tempting!

greenelephant Tue 09-Jun-09 18:10:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fucksticks Tue 09-Jun-09 18:11:38

Is he just a bit dull or is he a twat as well?
What would he do if you sat him down and explained to him that while you are happy to chat about his day and interested (lie here), you are feeling hurt and unloved when he seems dis-interested in your conversation?
Would he make an effort to listen/join in with things you want to do? or would he say 'no way' and carry on doing exactly what he wants without a second thought for your feelings?
If the first, then give it a go and keep encouraging/reminding him.
If the latter, then he's a twat and you're probably better off without him!

canigotobedyet Tue 09-Jun-09 18:27:29

Thanks for the ideas...

he's mostly dull rather than a twat, I think.

35 years of being the quiet geek in his family has made him into an adult version of the boring geeky kid who tells granny what he's been doing at school, if granny asks, but doesn't ever think to ask granny what's been going down at the bowls club.

I do keep explaining to him that the way to get a conversation going is to ask other people about their lives and interests... and that the way to hold their interest is to give them just the relevant information.... but he never does it, and least of all with me.

He can explain quite articulately why he's not interested in any of my interests. i haven't said that this hurts me, because tbh I can see his point of view (I'm not that interested in his interests).

I just WISH there were something we could do together that would give him some way of connecting to the outside world a bit more.
We met via music, but he was never actually interested in the music, never wanted to go to concerts etc - just did the music and went home/ back to work.

Do any parents have strategies for dealing with unbelievably self-centred children?

CarGirl Tue 09-Jun-09 18:35:42

does he have aspergers? disclaimer I know little about it but his social skills seem to be lacking........

ABetaDad Tue 09-Jun-09 18:39:21

canigotobedyet - think backwards.

What did you talk about when you first met? Why was he interesting then? What changed? Is there something you could start being interested in together? You met through music - was that playing music? Could you do that together again?

Sounds like you have few shared interests and have no interest in each other's interests. Maybe there is 'fault' on both sides.

canigotobedyet Tue 09-Jun-09 18:47:41

When we first met, he used to show an interest in stuff other than his work, and say that he wanted to know more about things generally. His monologues were also different, in that he would make a real effort to explain things (about his work, to me) - he used to have a lovely, sweet habit of making us both a cup of tea and coming to tell me about something. It kind of got up my nose a bit when I was trying to work, but I encouraged it.

Gradually over the years he has dropped all pretence of being interested in other stuff. There is a stack of birthday an christmas presents a mile high, books and CDs and DVDs and magazine subscriptions - all stuff that has never been opened.

Now, the longest conversations I get with him are him explaining why he doesn't want to do whatever with me because he's not interested in it.

He gets frustrated with me now, or patronises me "oh poor sweetie with no memory" if I ask him about technical aspects of his work that he's already told me about. This is inevitable if I am to understand whatevr his latest bit of work is. He's got a memory like a computer, so is (annoyingly) always right about having explained whatever multiple times already....

canigotobedyet Tue 09-Jun-09 18:50:48

playing music btw doesn't generate any conversation or mutual interest... just more opportunities for him to conclude that other people are boring, when he does his monologue thing and they turn away. i still do the music and try to talk about it, but he glazes over and gets up to go back to his computer and work, and chat to his work colleagues on IRC.

canigotobedyet Tue 09-Jun-09 18:57:33

CarGirl - he does sound like he's on the spectrum doesn't he. Maybe I am missing it, but I think he's (salvageably) unsocialized rather than incapable of being conventionally sociable.

the bizarre thing is he considers himself quite sociable, and much more so than me... he is often articulate with me about why my input is likely to have destroyed a conversation - usually something I've said that he interprets as being unacceptable and I interpret as being neutral safe nice blah blah... but he doesn't get that conversations don't always have to end with him geeking out in silence while the other person finds someone else to talk to.

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