Am I selfish and stupid to want more than I 've got?

[MsMelodrama]

Hello, I'm new here. I started searching the threads to see if anyone had a similar experience to me, and can't find one so I thought I'd start one.

I've been married nearly 18 years and my husband is lovely, we get on well and always have plenty to say to each other. But sex has always been a problem (not just bad, a real problem). After 14 years of feeling unappreciated, unsexy and undesired, I had an long affair: the feeling of sexual awakening and the realisation that there was nothing actually wrong with me was too irresistable.

We have been to counselling and found out the root causes of our problem, but it hasn't helped the fact of it. I can't bear the thought of sex with him. To make it worse, he is also now claiming that he finds me very desirable (bit ironic after all these years)and that thought just makes me panic.

H and I have decided we should probably separate, but have two kids and a home, and frankly, he's still a lovely person. I just love him in a brotherly sort of way than in a sexual way. Am I stupid or selfish to want more? He's kind, funny, affectionate, and loving, and we are a fabulous parenting team.

I can't, and he can't, face a future with no/crap sex, but everything else seems great, and I can't imagine breaking this news to our children, who to all intents and purposes see a pretty solid and affectionate marriage.

I should also be honest and say I can't get the OM out of my head.

This is occupying so much of my energy, I've been off work for four weeks with exhaustion - I think caused by a virus, but I've never been ill before.

[AccioPinotGrigio]

I think your feelings are understandable. The bit I am unclear on is why sex between you and your dh shbould be crap or non-existent. Is it because you now don't want him? Or is it that even after counselling he still has a problem?

From your post, it seems that if you could improve the sex then you could have a good relationship. I'm just not clear where the problem with sex now lies?

[blackberrywine]

seemy post about have you left your marriage for these reasons...our sex life is pretty awful too- I am trying, after years of drought when I just couldn't face it with him- but the chemistry is just not here for me- yet he cannot leave me alone{sad] why is life so bloody difficult!

[blackberrywine]

Is it his body shape/appearance that puts you off- or a lack of emotional closeness? Or has the fire just died?

[Tanee58]

Hi MM, your story is very similar to mine - my exH and I divorced and I am now with the OM.

One option you could consider is some sex therapy through Relate, which might rekindle your desire for him. Also, is OM still in your life? If not, and if there is no likelihood of him being a part of your life again, can you consider whether you would want to be with H or alone - which would you prefer? If OM remains in your head, he will always come between you and any attempts to revive your sex life with H. That was my situation, and when my H realised that, he left.

Not surprised this is making you ill - you have my absolute sympathy!

[MsMelodrama]

The problem lies in the fact that I have never really had desire for him. He's not ugly or anything (actually he's pretty cute) but our relationship developed when I was away travelling in Australia. When I returned, we missed out the fun bit of discovering one another sexually and felt (it seems so ridiculous now) the weight of expectation on us to start just doing it. Immediately. And very very badly. He was a virgin and totally insecure and inhibited after a long and sexless relationship with a Catholic girl! I was experienced and this just made it worse for him.

We went on like this for a while, then split up because I felt it wasn't going anywhere. He hung around being lovely and charming and there for me, and eventually I thought - once! - there was a frisson of some sort. He then he got offered a job in America, and for some bizarre reason we thought we should get married so I could accompany him.

I was miserable in America and he didn't help because he was focused on his career. We then moved to Amsterdam and had DS - all horrible times for me, and all the time the sex was the proverbial Elephant in the Room. We'd discuss it occasionally but never did anything about it. So you see, there is nothing to 'rekindle'.

My affair coincided with my foray, at nearly 40, into the world of work, and I have never been happier.

DH recognises that I sublimated my own desires for years in order to maintain the status quo in the marriage, and I fear I have no choice but continue doing this, or lose my family.

I just go round and round and round in circles. I can't tell you how grateful I am for your sympathy, Tanee 88.

[CarGirl]

I think you should give sex therapy a chance, if that doesn't work then yes it sounds like you may have to go your seperate ways

there are a lot of sexual issues on both sides and IME when you've got sex problems the sheer stress of thinking about having sex with that partner makes sex unlikely - too much pressure to perform type of thing.

YOu've both invested so much why not give it a last shot?

[MsMelodrama]

Sounds like good advice, CarGirl. Called up the sex therapist today!

[blackberrywine]

well, you have had sex as you have a child- are you saying he is no good in bed or that you lie there and think of England? Or that the chemistry is just not there?

still not sure whether you are meaning he doesn't turn you on, full stop, or it is his lack of experience that is the issue.

The reasons you give are to do with location, lack of time, and his inexperience- these on their own do not have to mean no sex- what exactly is it?

Why would you lose your family if you split up- do you mean he would take your son- what makes you think that?

[MsMelodrama]

I'm sorry, I really haven't been very clear have I.

I think that his lack of experience coupled with a lack of chemistry have led to me becoming so averse to the concept of sex with him that I can't imagine ever wanting to do it again. The thought literally makes me panic, and I can't bear it if he gets remotely aroused.

He wouldn't 'take' my children, but because I am the guilty party following the affair, and he is so innocent, and because I would want to keep things as continuous for them as possible to reduce the difficulties for them, I feel I would have to leave, not him, and that breaks up the family unit.

Am I making any sense at all? I don't make any sense to myself at the moment.

[hullygully]

You can't "make " yourself want someone.

It doesn't make you a bad person. Or him.

It doesn't mean one person "deserves" the kids etc.

It's just life. Work out what to do for the best re living and kids arrangements and operate purely on that basis, if you are good friends, you will be again and will be able to make it work. Meanwhile life is very short..