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My mum has just told me something about DH which has seriously upset me.

(62 Posts)
insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 14:18:20

A few things happened a couple of weeks ago with DH and I and ended up with us rowing (which we hardly ever do TBH, and I actually started a thread about it lol)

I thought DH and I had dealt with it and moved on, but obviously not.

My mum has had a big go at me today as apparently I am going to loose DH as he said to her that if I don't lighten up soon he will be leaving. Why he has said this to mum and not me I don't know, but either way I have got to deal with it.

Me and mum have had a big barney over this and some other nasty things she has said to me today. I am going to talk to DH about it tonight when he gets home from work.

I believe my mum as she has no reason to lie about this, her and DH get on really well.

Mum has basically told me that I am a nasty piece of work and that I need to stop being sharp with people.

I am (or at least I thought I was) a nice person, obviously not. I know when I am pg, which I am at the minute (34+4) that I can be quite short and sharp with people. I know I do it I just struggle to stop myself sometimes. I thought I had been doing well recently as I have made a very big and conscious effort not to be IYSWIM. Obviously it hasn't been working.

I don't know what to do, I really think that I don't want to be with DH now, but I don't know if it is my hormones clouding my thinking right now. I don't want to do anything rash. Although right now I want to take DD and go and never some back.

If I leave though I have no where to go, I WILL NOT go to my mum and dads and I have no one else who I can ask to take DD and I in. I don't even have any money for a B&B or hotel. All I know is I do not want to be here, I want out.

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 14:41:11

I really need some perspective and advice. DD is the only thing that is stopping me from running away and never coming back.

I feel such hatred right now.

PinkTulips Tue 09-Jun-09 14:44:14

o dear.

First of all congrats on the pregnancy and good luck smile

I'm shock that they're taking such issue with you being snappy atm... i get the same way when pregnant and although i do have unecessary fights becasue of it for the most part people seem to just accept that it's unintentional and hormone related and just tell me to cop on and behave blush

It sounds like there's a lot more wrong between you and dh than just the snappiness.... if my dp went to anyone other than me with a comment like that i'd be raging. And the fact that your mother is taking taking his side and attacking you as well rather than having your back is simply awful. I can understand why you wouldn't want to be around either of them right now.

Do you have a credit card? could you put a B&B stay on that til you get something else sorted or you and dh work things out? (if that's possible at this stage, only you can judge that)

wifeofdoom Tue 09-Jun-09 14:45:36

He might just have been letting off steam, and your mum took it the wrong way? If it was me I would try and calm down and then talk it through with dh later or tomorrow. He might have said something like 'I'll be leaving till the baby's here - she's a nightmare when she's pregnant' or somesuch as a joke? Remember he loves you, and knows you better than your mum - and he chose you to be his wife!

Good luck - no good advice really just didn't want to read and run.

WhatFreshHellIsThis Tue 09-Jun-09 14:45:46

Do you not want to be with DH because of what your mum said, or do you feel that way anyway?

Don't let what your mum said affect your relationship with DH. She sounds like she has some issues with you which have nothing to do with DH.

You need to work out your feelings about your DH without listening to someone who is clearly being very negative about you.

artichokes Tue 09-Jun-09 14:45:58

I don't want you to go unanswered so I wanted to reply although I am not sure what to say. I think you need to sit down and have a long talk to your DH as soon as possible. TBH I do not think many conclusions can be drawn from what your mother told you. It may have been a throw away remark or even a joke, or it could have been a serious comment told to a very inappropriate confidant (your mum). Either way it was not nice but your reaction does seem quite violent, do you have other things going on in your marriage? If you argue as rarely as you say, and you are happy, then I considering leaving seems quite rash. The effect of you leaving would be devastating for your DD and would put you in a very stressful situation at the end of your pregnancy.

I do hope someone else comes along with better advice ASAP.

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 14:50:32

Thanks for replying.

No I don't have a credit card, will have to stay here tonight and go beg the council for help tomorrow.
I don't want to be around any of them, right now I fell like I want to walk but I don't want to do anything rash as I am not sure if I am thinking straight or anything.

My mum is a martyr and I am sure she would love to blame everyone else for everything wrong in her life. I thought we had a good relationship, obviously not!! sad

I am fuming that DH has said that to my mum and not to me. I am angry, upset and hurt that at this time (while I am pregnant) he cannot/will not afford me a bit of compassion and understanding.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 09-Jun-09 14:52:36

Congratulations to you on your pregnancy.

There are two sides to every story and you do need to hear your H's take on this before doing anything else.

Has your Mother ever commented to you before now saying that you're a nasty piece of work?. It could be that she is stirring things.

Open and honest communication between your H and yourself without being accusatory is the way forward.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 09-Jun-09 14:54:49

"Martyr" parents can actually be not very nice at all to deal with. Have one of those as a MIL: she loves seeking sympathy and being a victim. A nasty piece of work all told. Your Mum could well be jealous of your relationship between you and your H and wants to stir.

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 14:56:10

I feel like the only choice I have at the minute is to cut them all out of my life. i cannot do right for doing wrong. Even when I am trying and making a conscious effort to not snap they tell me (well mum has told me) that I am still doing it.

Other than that or never talking to them at the minute so that I don't snap and be horrible to them I cant see what to do.

I thought DH and I had a very good relationship, we very rarely argue. We rub along quite happily and generally talk any problems through. But if he is thinking about me like that (thinking of leaving) and not talking to me about it then our relationship isn't as good as I thought it was.

I don't want to take DD from DH, I have no way of paying the bills and mortgage so cannot ask him to leave, it would HAVE to be me that goes and I am NOT leaving my DD, EVER.

Blu Tue 09-Jun-09 14:57:01

Whatever he may or may not have said to your Mum (and it may just have been an 'in the moment' coment), your Mum hasn't handled it very well.

She could have asked if you were stressed, needed support, gently reminded you to go easy, asked if you and DH were 'ok' and did you need someone to talk to...telling you you are a nasty piece of work is not nice.

Forget your Mum, take a deep and honest look at whether you WERE snappy, talk calmly to your dh, and ask him to talk to you if he is unhappy - promise that you will listen to him - and to leave your mum ou of it because it doesn't really help.

WhatFreshHellIsThis Tue 09-Jun-09 14:58:43

PLease IGNORE your mum. Talk to your DH calmly and openly and ask him how he feels and whether you have been difficult to be with lately.

Only he can tell you the truth, sounds like your mum is just stirring things up and trying to upset you. IGNORE HER.

Jux Tue 09-Jun-09 15:02:00

I was very like that at the end of my pregnancy. I really didn't like anyone around and just wanted to be on my own: dh, mum, friends etc. They were all just too bloody demanding.

In fact, they were just being alive and not dead! The demands my body were making were as much as I could cope with, so everyone else, including my cats, just got in the way.

I'm not sure if that helps you or not.

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 15:04:57

Atilla, mum has always been like that, I am sure she hates me. My brother can do no wrong, but I on the other had am the spawn of bloody satan the way she goes on about me. The sun shines out of my brothers backside. I am in the way and always have been.

I don't think she is jealous of DH and I, I don't think she is trying to stir (I may be totally wrong but I don't think she is) I do believe her when she says DH said that. DH can be very passive aggressive sometimes, I think he has said that to my mum in the hope that she will talk to me and that I will fall to my knees and beg his forgiveness when he gets home.

KirstyJC Tue 09-Jun-09 15:08:02

Ignore your mum and speak to your husband.

I know hormones are all over the place but you cannot seriously be thinking of leaving your husband because of something your mum said??

Take a deep breath and tell him what she said, and ask what happened.

Hawkmoth Tue 09-Jun-09 15:12:55

Don't do anything rash! I'm 30 weeks and have been rowing with my DP... my mother has also said how careful I need to be, and how awful I am. You'd think a woman would understand what pregnancy can do to you... but no such luck.

Hopefully you'll be able to talk things through calmly and without prejudice.

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 15:15:38

That is how I feel, I don't want to be around any of them.

It is my hormones I am sure, any other time DH and I would have talked and dealt with it.

I am just so f**ng angry I want to blame someone, I want to shout and scream.

Don't worry though I won't, I will talk to DH tonight, apologise for being hard to live with. But I just know he wont see my side, he wont understand that I don't mean to be snappy but it will be all my fault again. It always is when something like this happens, if I am having a bad day or I am not 100% cheerful and happy 100% all of the time. I am labeled as being a bitch, I cant just have an off day, even when I am heavily pg. I have to put on a happy face all of the bloody time with DH and mum, if I don't they get offended and I cant do right for doing wrong. It is not the sort of situation I want to be in anymore.

No one can be 100% happy and cheerful 100% of the time, but I have to be otherwise DH and mum seem to think I am targeting them and having a go. I am not I am only human FGS.

beanieb Tue 09-Jun-09 15:15:50

I think you should talk to your husband

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 15:16:55

FGS if I cant be moody when I am pg when can I be!!!!!!!!

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 15:19:02

Beanie, he is at work ATM I am going to try to talk to him tonight when he gets in.

ahundredtimes Tue 09-Jun-09 15:29:58

I think you are protesting too much. I reckon you've been really really moody, and thought it was okay, and you were allowed to be because you're pregnant. I bet they don't think you are a bitch, and I bet they don't expect you to be Miss Pollyanna Happy Person 100% of the time.

And reeeelaaax.

Perhaps you have been a bit of a cow recently. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect. It means be less of a cow, and make an effort to be more pleasant. You can't really be blaming hormones for everything - you are responsible for your behaviour, hormones or no hormones.

Criticism is hard to take, but you don't have to run for the hills or a b&b or hate them both because of it. Take a minute to work out whether it's valid or not.

<ducks for cover>

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 15:43:50

lol at you ducking, I can take criticism but not all of the time.

I really have honest to god be making a conscious effort to be nice to them for the last few weeks. I know I am responsible for my own actions, but so are they. I shouldn't have to take being called names, especially not from my mum.

They seriously do expect me to be 100% happy and cheerful 100% of the time. If I am not my mum and DH always have a go, more so my mum though.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 09-Jun-09 16:06:42

Hi Inserwittynicknamehere,

Re your comment:-

"Atilla, mum has always been like that, I am sure she hates me. My brother can do no wrong, but I on the other had am the spawn of bloody satan the way she goes on about me. The sun shines out of my brothers backside. I am in the way and always have been".

Why am I not surprised to read that?. I will go on to explain.

How did it come to pass that you describe yourself as "being in the way"?. I find that very sad. I would also say that people who come from families that are not functionally healthy play or have played out defined roles within it. You have the golden child (in my case my childfree brother who my parents run around after) and the scapegoat (me).

Such women can be very insecure not just to say jealous (with this comes low self esteem) and heap all of their issues onto others in this case you. However, these are her issues, you do not take responsibility for her issues. You're her scapegoat. Am certain as well your Mother will not apologise for this (has she ever apologised on previous occasions when she has made nasty comments about you?. I bet you she has not) nor take any responsibility for her actions. Such people never do but they are all too quick to give you a long list of your own shortcomings if they are challenged.

Do not do anything rash but talk to your H first off. Learning more about your Mother in your writings makes me highly suspicious of her own motives here in telling you all this stuff.

Can you talk to your Dad, what's he like?

Attila

jambutty Tue 09-Jun-09 16:15:55

Another one here who thinks your mum might have said those things to you for her own reasons. My "D"M comes out with the most hurtful things around big events - you know, the ones where she won't be centre stage but I will (wedding, childbirth, christenings). Whatever she thinks about your behaviour, to suddenly decide to give you a piece of her mind at a time when you should be calm and supported is out of order.

Breathe, and talk to your DH. He may not have said those things, or certainly not in that way. Keep away from your DM if you can for a while - and tell her why.

insertwittynicknameHERE Tue 09-Jun-09 16:22:08

Spot on Attila, especially with the long list of my shortcomings and never taking on board any other view point so consequently I don't bother.
Dad is hen pecked by mum and he will do anything for a quite life, I will not talk to him about it, he has enough on his plate having to deal with her when she is like this.

When I was younger and living at home I tried to do all I could to please my mum, never got in to trouble worked, went to college, did everything she wanted me to but it was never enough.

My brother on the other hand got into trouble with the police (still does but she knows so little), caused trouble at school, always had to be bailed out by mum and dad. Still does to an extent and he is 27 FGS. He bought the house next door as he cannot cope without mum doing everything. Mum told me that when she is no longer here that I have to take on care for my brother I told her no chance and she called me selfish. Don't get me wrong I would never see my brother without a roof over his head and food in his belly but I will not mother him.

When I moved out me and mum became a lot closer and I thought that I had come to terms with how she was/is to me. But she keeps doing things like this and it brings it all back and I just want to scream. Sometimes I would love to cut her out of my life, but I would miss her, when she is in a good mood she is so much fun to be with and DD worships the ground she walks on.

I have decided not to talk to DH, I realize now that my problem is with my mum not with him. I think I was just gonna use DH as a shouting board IYSWIM.

I'm glad I came on here first, I have calmed down lots now and can see a lot more clearly now.

thank you.

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