Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP never gives me time on my own

(16 Posts)
FamilyMisfortunes Tue 09-Jun-09 13:54:50

When DP asked me to move in with him I was a little aprehensive as I am a very solitary person. I NEED space, I NEED time to myself. I am highly anti-social and I know that's nothing to be proud of but its who I am, I can't help that.

He PROMISED that I would get time to myself. He PROMISED I would get time in the house on my own ... I believed him and moved in.

Now he NEVER goes anywhere. He never goes out unless I'm going out too. He used to go to his parents once a week, he didn't go last week and only went this week because I asked him to.

I wanted my mum to come down as she hasn't been to this house before and I wanted to be able to chat with her in private, like we used to when I lived on my own. So I mentioned that he had not been to his parents last week and could he go this week so I could have some time with his mum. He reluctantly agreed ... but said he would like to be here when she got here so he could say hello hmm he promised he would leave after 10 minutes. Anyway, she got here at 9.50am. He faffed around until 10.40am before he actually left and he was supposed to be staying until 3pm and he's just text me to say he's on his way home.

He just won't give me any space. He is only working part time at the moment and has finished work by 8am ... so he's here ALL DAY.

He's supposed to be looking for full time but suggested he looked for night work hmm so basically he'd still be here all day.

I said "no"

So he's now looking for a 6am until 2pm shift hmm I said "why don't you just look for a 9-5 job like other people?" and he said he doesn't want to be at work all day, he likes to be at home during the day hmm (don't we all!)

I'm getting really annoyed with it all.

Aibu to insist that he goes out more and gives me more time with the house to myself??

Katisha Tue 09-Jun-09 13:58:31

Well let's cut straight to the chase shall we? He is trying to control you and it will only get worse.

FabulousBakerGirl Tue 09-Jun-09 14:00:03

I can understand the wanting time alone but when do you want to see him?

2rebecca Tue 09-Jun-09 14:07:49

It sounds as though you need to sit down together and discuss how much time you want on your own and that you feel he is around more than you expected when you agreed to move in with him.
It doesn't sound as though his working pattern has changed much though as you don't mention him getting made redundant from a previous daytime job so perhaps you were both unrealistic in thinking he wasn't going to be around. Where were you expecting him to go?
Why should he get a daytime job if he prefers not to? It doesn't sound as though you have a daytime job either.
You either sort out a compromise (maybe he'd like you to work a bit during the day to give him some space as well) or you go back to separate houses.

shootfromthehip Tue 09-Jun-09 14:08:25

As someone who feels like she has a child sellotaped to her all day, I can understand your need for solitude. I am exactly the same: I need to be alone sometimes. However, I also need to be with my DH. I find it utterly lonely whwen he is not around and almost worse when he works from home as he is here but not here iykwim. So I can see both sides.

I do NOT think he is trying to control you but does not understand your need to be alone and so chooses to disregard it. He may be unsensitive or at worse disrespectful but I don't think that this is 'badness' as it were.

Can you have your alone time elsewhere? I like the library to get away and think. That said sometimes it is nice to read a book on your own sofa eating too many chocolate digestives with your own rubbishy music on and have no-one else see you <<sheepish emoticon>>

Good luck with talking to him. Why not get him to join a club and he will be guaranteed to be out at a specific time each week?

DeepGoat Tue 09-Jun-09 14:09:47

can you move out? this would drive me bonkers.

booyhoo Tue 09-Jun-09 14:10:22

he sounds very insecure, as if he's not an individual in his own right. do you work or could you take up a hobby or something that would get you out of the house for a few hours? if it was me i would have to be quite selfish and would just take the time on my own, i would leave the house for walks or clubs/groups/ meet with friends/family. i would just do as i pleased until he got so bored of being alone at home that he started doing this himself. you need to make it clear that you will not be attatched at the hip to him. if e starts saying he doesnt want you going out then im afraid katisha is right and he is controlling. if not and he does start doing his own thing then you will start to appeciate the time you do spend together.

Cadelaide Tue 09-Jun-09 14:11:03

I don't think he's trying to control you, I'd suggest he has as much right to be in the house as you do. You may have to seek your time alone elsewhere.

PremenstrualChickens Tue 09-Jun-09 14:18:26

Maybe he just likes spending time with you? And assumes that you feel the same? To be fair, I also need to be on my own sometimes, but I'm at home the majority of the time and my DH works days, so I get it then.

unavailable Tue 09-Jun-09 16:48:56

Shouldnt this be in AIBU?
If it was, I would say yes, you are.

You chose to move in to his house and now want him to vacate it every day so you can have your own space.

Why did you move in? (Presuming you were living alone before, you were in the position you professed to find ideal.)

Ordering him to find a 9 - 5 job is a bit rich too. Do you work? Is he supporting you financially?

prettyfly1 Tue 09-Jun-09 17:02:54

umm - yes I think you are being a bit unreasonable. I too need my own space and I also dont like having someone around all the time, but actually by attempting to dictate his working hours to suit your needs it is you who is being controlling. Perhaps you need to move back out, not to escape him but just because you may well just not be a couple person. I think your need for him to fit in totally with how you are and what you want, whilst raising an eyebrow and making sarcastic remarks when he says how he wants to be suggets that he may well not be the problem in your relationship and actually you just arent well suited.

mrsmaidamess Tue 09-Jun-09 17:07:06

When you say 'time on your own' do you really mean, 'I want the whole house to myself at times' If you are, then YABU. Your DP has as much right to be in the house as you.

Can't you find some solitude in your room, or in the bath, or with headphones on listening to music in the front room, or gardening? How would you feel if he insisted that you went out so he could have some time alone? It's so antisocial

We have to carve out our own moments of solitude, you can't force someone to give them to you.

fucksticks Tue 09-Jun-09 17:12:46

I think you are being unreasonable actually.
You are not saying you want some time alone. You are saying you want to be alone in his house and insisting that he goes out when he doesnt want to!
If you want time to yourself then can you not go out somewhere?
Go and visit your Mum at her house to see her alone? Go out for the day with her?
Shut the door at home and have a long soak in the bath?

Katisha Tue 09-Jun-09 17:19:16

I think a lot depends on what his reasons are for never wanting to let her out of his sight.
If he starting wanting to drive OP to places and start restricting who she sees etc then that would be a worry. Have seen that on too many other threads.

Or is it that he just never wants to leave his house on his own anyway?

Either way it's a bit strange.

AnyFucker Tue 09-Jun-09 20:07:59

you both sound a bit strange, tbh

are you not out at work all day?

what gives you the right to order him out of his own house so you can have it to yourself? No wonder he is digging his heels in

you sound like the controlling one to me, and he seems confused and a bit stubborn

I too love my own company, but this seems extreme, do you not want to spend any time with him?

supagirl Tue 09-Jun-09 20:17:28

I think yabu - asking him to go out so you can chat to your Mum? Why couldn't you and your Mum just go out for a coffee?? And if he doesn't want to go to his Mums, why don't you go out instead?

I like time on my own. If dp is out with friends then I will chill out with a girlie film or whatever but I have been known to go for a drive to get some solitude, or go for a walk with my ipod, or go and have a bath.

Making him go out so you can have the house to yourself AND dictating his working hours to suit you.....hmm you sound quite controlling actually.

No i don't think yabu to want time alone but I DO think yabu to expect him to leave the house and find a job that allows you to have it!


Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: