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Has anyone left their husband for these reasons.....

(44 Posts)
blackberrywine Tue 09-Jun-09 12:39:13

that they just bore you, that you have no stimulating conversation left- no matter how hard you try- and that physically, he just doesn't turn you on any more?

We have been married for a long time and the DCs are almost left home.

I always had doubts about him but decided to give it a chance. I have been on the verge of leaving for a long time, but have always stayed for the DCs.

In so many ways I cannot fault him: loyal, kind, thoughtful ( mostly)good father etc. BUT he is VERY quiet and a loner- he has no friends of his own. I need people who can engage me and talk to me and interest me in their ideas about life and the universe, and who are a bit "edgy". I find him incredibly boring and prefer going out with my girl friends- we at least have a laugh and a good chat about life.

However, I know that breaking up would be like losing a right arm as we have been together so long. We would have to sell the home that we have put a lot of effort into, and quite frankly, I'd be poor compared to what we have together.

Ever cell in my brain tells me I should not be with him feeling as I do, but I lack the guts to do it- and to hurt him as he really loves me.

Anyone else been like this and gone through with it?

Must ad- have also tried counselling and all it did was confirm that I am not happy.

womblingalong Tue 09-Jun-09 12:58:16

I Haven't personally, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. I think staying together when things are nopt 'right' is very hard, and there are no easy answers.

Good luck with your decision, whatever it is.

HappyWoman Tue 09-Jun-09 13:08:36

no but i had a friend who did - she left her h and started her new single life. It was all good for a while - until she saw him with a woman who seemed to find him interesting and attractive.

At that point she realised she wanted him back for herself, and it took a long time.

She is now back with her h and whilst we all supported her to leave we also supported her getting back with him.

She feels so very guilty about what she put him through - he was/is a wonderful man and all the things you say - she was just a bit bored and thought it was 'his' fault.
She feels she betrayed him and says it was like having an affair without there being anyone else on her side.

Just think if it is him or you that needs the change. life is not always fireworks.

But if you think you could cope with him finding someone else to share his life with and it wouldnt upset you maybe it is time to let him go too.

OrmIrian Tue 09-Jun-09 13:11:48

"she was just a bit bored and thought it was 'his' fault"

Yep. I am guilty of that sometimes too. I have a good man in many ways who often goes well beyond the call of duty in the things he does for me and the DCs. He isn't perfect but who is. And we have a lot of shared history that I would find hard to file under 'redundant'. But I will admit to being a bit bored sometimes. However I think that is life rather than DH. And if I left him or had an affair I'd be putting the blame unfairly on him.

blackberrywine Tue 09-Jun-09 13:19:04

Thank you all.

I recognise what you are saying- whether I am bored with him or bored with life.

I don't think it is the latter- I have changed careers and am now busier and seeing more friends than I ever have .

I do often think of the scenario of him with another woman- and most of the time it doesn't bother me too much.

It is his complete lack of conversation that bothers me- I do try to engage him in things and he gives one sentence replies- we rarely get a good ding-dong going about anything.

I would miss the physical presence of someone sitting in the same room as me every evening, but would I actually miss HIM? I don't know/think so.

OrmIrian Tue 09-Jun-09 13:21:35

bw - Oh I totally know where you are coming from. Beleive me. But I have been over this in my head so many times and I have usually come to the conclusion that I can't leave. And that I shouldn't and would regret it.

But your conclusions are bound to be different to anyone else's. Sorry, that isn't helpful is it grin

blackberrywine Tue 09-Jun-09 13:23:58

OI- what makes you stay?

OrmIrian Tue 09-Jun-09 13:46:07

Inspite of the fact that I am not in love with him, rarely want sex with him, often find him teeth-grindingly annoying....

That we have 3 still quite young DC - I know that is different from you.

We have many good friends as a couple.

Finances are an issue. We couldn't afford two households on our income.

I don't want to lose all our past together. All our memories would become painful and sad. And there are over 20 yrs of them!

We spend a great deal of our time away from each other so we don't really depend on each other for stimulation all the time. Swapping DH for a. n. other wouldn't change my entire life iyswim.

But most of all the fact that there are still times when I think he's pretty damn wonderful. And funny. And intelligent. And I can't see myself finding anyone who would tolerate/love/support me in just the way he does.

It's a see-saw. ATM I am on the upside more or less. But a few weeks ago I was down. It evens out.

TimeForMe Tue 09-Jun-09 14:06:14

That's a lovely post OrmIrian smile

ChgdnoM Tue 09-Jun-09 14:21:25

Yes can completely relate to your posting. Despite the fact that I am very unhappy and have felt this way for a long time, I don't want to see him hurt. Crazy huh?

BonsoirAnna Tue 09-Jun-09 14:23:25

Did you choose you DH partly because he was safe, reliable and going to be a good provider?

If so, I think you reap what you sow and that it is not surprising that he bores you now he is middle aged.

blackberrywine Tue 09-Jun-09 14:25:04

OI- I can identify with a lot of that- especially that no one else could put up with me!

CH- yep! Crazy! I just want to feel settled- and never have for over 20 years....

I just know that if I was to meet him now, he would not be for me, and one of the biggest things holding us together is his commitment to me- if he wavered, I would end it/have ended it long ago- makes it v. hard.

blackberrywine Tue 09-Jun-09 14:27:22

BA- yes all of that. and I had also been through the mill with other men and wanted to settle. Not so much the good provider bit as I had a career of my own- but that he was stable and reliable and had no emotional baggage. I suspected all along that he wasn't "deep enough" or complex enough for me- and I was right!

But even though we knew each other for 3 years, I see him differently now.

BonsoirAnna Tue 09-Jun-09 14:29:41

And so now the DCs are about to leave home, "safe and reliable" aren't such important requirements anymore, are they? Adventurous would be just the ticket these days wink

TimeForMe Tue 09-Jun-09 14:30:00

Or maybe he is just the exactly the same person you married but you have changed. Perhaps you have grown. Maybe your own life is more stimulating now than it was previously and so your DH seems less interesting.

OrmIrian Tue 09-Jun-09 14:30:08

It isn't crazy chg. It would be crazy not to care about hurting someone who has never done you any harm and just loves you. It might be crazy not to leave for your own sake - but that has to be a personal decision. I think that life is a constant battle between what we as individuals want to do, and what will hurt/please others. The balance has to tip quite a long way before we change things IME.

AccioPinotGrigio Tue 09-Jun-09 14:30:57

BW - Have you told him how you feel?

iwouldgoouttonight Tue 09-Jun-09 14:49:12

Its such a difficult situation. I've been feeling similarly about my DP recently - the lack of conversation you mentioned is the main thing that bothers me too. We have young DCs and talk about them when they are around but once they are in bed DP just doesn't seem to want to have a conversation. We've tried making an effort not to eat in front of the TV, etc but I don't enjoy sitting at the table together as everything I say seems to get one word answers and just makes me cross.

My DP is also wonderful in many ways - he's a good father, very hands-on, kind to me, etc. but that 'spark' doesn't seem to be there any more.

I'm trying to work out whether it could just be a phase with having young children, or if its because he is stressed at work and just wants to switch off at the end of the day. Working a lot has also mean he has lost touch with most of his friends so he might be out of practice with making conversation, or like others have said whether it is me who is bored and I'm blaming it on him. Not sure if any of those things could apply to you?

I think I'd find my DP more physically attractive if we had great conversations, could flirt with each other, etc.

I'm trying to work out whether its me who has the problem and I'm searching for something that doesn't exist. No relationship is completely perfect and there are so many other worse traits a DP/DH could have. Not sure I've been any help, just wanted to say I know where you're coming from.

blackberrywine Tue 09-Jun-09 15:14:49

Yes, have told him how I feel and he has asked for "one last try" which is what i am giving it.
He admits ( wrong word) that he is not the perosn I would really want- which makes it sad and harder to leave!

Yes, i have changed- I have gone from being very needy when we met, and desperately wanting to settle down, to being much more confident, and sure of who I am. However, in the time we have been married I have lost a lot of my earning power, due to staying at home and only working part time - so financially I am where I was when we married!

I need a lot of cerebral stimulation- and friends/work etc give me a lot- but it's not the same as feeling you have your soul mate- that's another so try- have met many men who I clicked with a lot more, but it was never the right time- either too soon, too late, too married!

blackberrywine Tue 09-Jun-09 15:19:26

IWGOT- you seem to be echoing my thoughts! MyDH has a demanding job, gets stimulation from that, unwinds at home over the TV or his tool shed, and doesn't have any friends!

What I have is worth a lot-but in a perverse way I sometimes think I'd be beter off with a bastard who was more interesting rather than a man who is just so bloody nice , but pretty boring.!

e.g when ever I ask what he wants to do with the rest of his/ourlives- he says he doesn'tknow and hands the question back to me- I ask him if he is going to work til he is 65-70, the drop dead like his dad! I want to live a bit before it's too late- he just plods on from year to year. I am the one aranging everything and making all the decisions about our lives.

BonsoirAnna Wed 10-Jun-09 07:28:08

"I am the one aranging everything and making all the decisions about our lives."

To a certain extent, if your DH is the breadwinner and putting 95% of his energy into his job, I think that being the motor for your family life is part of the job description of a SAHM (or part-time WOHM). Maybe you are fed up of being that motor, and would like someone else to do it for a change?

TimeForMe Wed 10-Jun-09 08:31:47

"I am the one aranging everything and making all the decisions about our lives."

I also think when this is the case resentment can build, this causes a person to seek out reasons for feeling resentful and unhappy so maybe it's not just a case of the lack of communication, it's quite possibly a host of things, including feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. But, I could be wrong, it has been known grin

blackberrywine Wed 10-Jun-09 08:51:02

BA- there is some truth in what you say, but don't underestimate my work- I may just work part time but I do work and it is demanding.
It's not so much about a division of labour, it's more about him not having any vision about our future now that the DCs are almost gone.

He just doesn't generate any ideas aboout anything- he will ask me what I want to do at a weekend or for a holiday etc- and I have spent 20 years coming up with ideas and making the arrangements- now I have stopped and throw the quesion back to him- and he just goes blank- or comes up with the same things each time.

He's very cooperative and easy to please, and some women would find him their dream man as he is so affable, but he is also very passive- and it's driving me nuts.

QuintessentialShadow Wed 10-Jun-09 08:58:49

I dont think you can ever look to other people and expect them to give you an interesting time/life. You have to do that for yourself. YOU have to be the catalyst for interesting and stimulating people/conversations/happening. If you are bored with him, you might be as bored without him. A lot of really interesting and intellectual people have totally boring partners, they dont wait for their partners to provide the stimulation, they chase that themselves.

You should be able to have an interesting life regardless of your husband. How do you know he does not find you equally boring?

What I am trying to say is: if you cannot manage to have an interesting life WITH your husband, what makes you think you are able to establish an interesting life for yourself without him?

blackberrywine Wed 10-Jun-09 09:09:16

QS- I take your point and indeed see the point you are making.

I am not saying that he should be an all-singing and dancing man to keep me amused.

What I am saying is that he is a very quiet person who doesn't really "do" conversation, and waits for me to suggest anything for us to do together. I have got loads of friends i can do things with and have discussions with- but I didn't marry them - I married him.

I am not bored- and I don't think I have said I am- excuse me if I did say that as it's not what I meant.

It's a classic situaiton of a couple being tied up with two kids for years and not having a minute to themselves almost, to now being alone and thinking "what on earth is keeping us together, what did I ever see in him?"

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