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I need some advice please-not sure what to do- sorry long

(7 Posts)
pinkyporker Tue 09-Jun-09 10:09:35

Hi, Ive been married for 4 years but this has been going on much longer. We have 3 DC's and I am pregnant with our 4th.

It started a long time ago. he would suddenly get moody with me for no reason and while I was with family he would say little things in my ear. Not name calling just if I said I would like to do something he would whisper stuff like "yeah dont worry about what i want" and things like that. Anyway it progressed over the years until he was openly doing it in front of my family and friends. My parents started telling us to leave because of the bickering and I started not wanting to go there wih him. I also cut off from friends. I dread going shopping with him because you could guarentee he would start screaming at me in the shop if I dared to stop and look at something and he wanted to get on. The only time is does not do it is in front of his family.

I told myself that it must be me because he was a great dad and he has never hit me or called me names.

about a year ago the swearing and shouting started on a daily basis for no reason at all. he tells me I do nothing for him. If I would like to do something he agrees but when we get there he finds a reason to start shouting so that i want to go home and then he tells me im being silly.

everywhere we go he makes me tell him how long i think i will be and if im 2 minutes over he will have a go at me regardless of whos listening and so I spend my time worrying about setting him off which i still manage to do and it's so embarrassing having someone shouting at you down the street

He told me he hated where we lived and thats why he was so stressed so I agreed to move away from my family and it has only gotton worse. He comes in from work shouting and swearing for one reason or another then it's my fault because i do nothing and then he tells the kids that he's shouting because of mummy etc

Now I feel stuck. I have no friends and no family nearby and im financially dependent on him with huge debts. I cant live like this anymore but he wont change. I just dont know how to cope.

bigchris Tue 09-Jun-09 10:11:57


could he be depressed? he must be so miserable to be constantly picking at you all the time, is he ever happy, does anythign ever make him smile?

could you try relate? what does he say if you threaten to leave?

pageturner Tue 09-Jun-09 10:16:58

Sweetie, this is classic abuser behaviour. he has separated you from your support network, made you dependant on him and undermined your self-esteem. And it is escalating. it won't stop. protect yourslef, and your children. please contact Women's Aid. sad for you.

pageturner Tue 09-Jun-09 10:17:59

look here.

ginnny Tue 09-Jun-09 10:23:52

shock alarm bells are ringing like mad!!
He's a bully and a control freak.
Please get help before he gets worse.

pinkyporker Tue 09-Jun-09 10:26:39

Thankyou. At first I thought it was depression but then I realised he was turning it on and off when his family turned up.
He does have a tendancy to lie about his life to friends. They all think we own our house etc...I keep begging him not to lie as it makes us look stupid. He didn't tell me he cheated and had a daughter or that he lost his job through misconduct so it could be depression. we had an argument one day and a few weeks later i saw his friends wife and she asked me if the divorce papers had come through because he said we had seen a solicitor.

I just dont understand him. Writing it down this all sounds so bad. I feel a fool

Thanks pageturner i will look at that link

missingtheaction Tue 09-Jun-09 10:35:34

out out out.

you may not feel strong enough at the moment and you may need to get information before you make a move. that's sensible. Speak to Women's Aid, CAB about housing/benefits etc.

But start thinking 'i am going to leave him, i am going to work out how' and stop thinking 'i am trapped and can't do anything'.

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