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Have you ever been in love with a married man?

(26 Posts)
paperworz Tue 09-Jun-09 00:38:33

If so, how did you deal with it?

If you have to see him every day, how do you deal with the attraction?

thumbwitch Tue 09-Jun-09 00:41:46

Yes, it was shit. I hated it and myself. And eventually him.
He started it by leaving his wife and child and moving in with me, I felt I was completely in love with him and absolved myself of any responsibility because his marriage was over before hand - turns out this was true but I was just a stepping stone, living nearer London than he did, and he wanted to get out of his little village life.
It's still shit now when I think about it, the degradation, the lies, the secrecy, the being used - UGH.

paperworz Tue 09-Jun-09 00:48:59

I feel your pain. This guy knows how I feel and he plays on it. He's loving every minute of it, I'm hating it. I can't stop thinking about him.

thumbwitch Tue 09-Jun-09 00:55:02

look at it like it's an addiction to heroin or something - ultimately it will destroy you and your family and everything you care about. See if that helps.

If you're hating it, it's not being in love, it's a crush - a physical attraction that is purely chemical, nothing sensible or loving about it. Fight your chemicals! Think of all the bad things about him and then imbue him with all sorts of other things, like stinky hairy feet, green toenails, rancid farts, snoring like a walrus, spotty bum - anything that makes you go Urrrr!

Good luck

paperworz Tue 09-Jun-09 00:56:21

LOL thanks thumbwitch, he does have a few bad points now that you mention it grin

kentmumtj Tue 09-Jun-09 01:05:53

i really dont understand why someone would want to get that involved with a man who is married?
always has puzzled me
i mean not just a married man but married women to.........i dont get it.......if the married persona wants to be with someone else then levae yoyr wife/husband

thumbwitch Tue 09-Jun-09 01:07:47

ah yes kentmum - I used to feel that way too until it happened to me. Really.

paperworz Tue 09-Jun-09 01:09:38

I don't want to ruin anyone's marriage. Really, I have no intention of acting on my feelings ... but I can't help the way I feel about him unfortunately sad

thumbwitch Tue 09-Jun-09 01:14:21

now now, paperworz - that's your first mistake, thinking that you can't help it. Of course you can! Dont let your chemicals take charge, you take control of them. Are you a woman or a bag of raging hormones?

Anyway, like most crushes it will wear off soon and then you will be just SOOOOO embarrassed about it, or maybe that's just me...grin

kentmumtj Tue 09-Jun-09 01:16:37

the way i see it it will all end in tears and many people will get hurt............go find yourself a nice man who will focus all of is attentions on you.....why settle for half the attention??? have it all by finding a single man
maybe ur just lonely but come on set your standards high
besides if he is a nice guy chances are he will not be interested
if he is interested i owuld worry that if he is capable of doing that to his wife where would that leave you

come on you deserve so much more

maybe its just infatutaion that can happen sometimes when you have to spend long hours with a nice caring work collegue

HappyWoman Tue 09-Jun-09 07:36:29

How can it be love? If you have not acted on it then you dont know him at all do you.

He is just playing with you - and probably just flirting - it can be fun to flirt especially if you know you will never take it any further.

Think about his wife and children if he has one, and his family and friends.

It is not right but if you destroy his marriage all those people will blame you and not him as much.

My daughter still hates the ow - She is in her teens and she says that one day she wants to tell the ow just how much pain she caused her and her siblings (yes they should blame their dad - but he is able to make it up to them - the ow has never indicated any remorse for what she did).

LoveBeingAMummy Tue 09-Jun-09 07:37:09

How is he playing on it? Cause that doesn't sound very attractive!

Wordweaver Tue 09-Jun-09 09:50:08

No one can help feeling the way they do - feelings come unbidden. However, you CAN help acting on those feelings or putting them before your own inner sense of right and wrong. I'm not talking about some abstract sense of morals based on religion or convention, but about your personal ethics. What do YOU believe is the right thing to do here?

Our personal ethics are there for when it's HARD to do what we see as the right thing - not when it's easy. They're a guide in the darkness.

This is going to be an incredibly tough time for you emotionally and I can empathise.

When you are in love, it can feel so right. All the songs about 'how can something so wrong feel so right' suddenly make sense. Speaking from my own experience, it can be like stepping outside of reality - especially when the consequences aren't staring you in the face (i.e. no one knows about it).

Right now your feelings may be pulling you to and fro and making you dizzy. You can't necessarily trust them to help you through. You can only trust your sense of right and wrong - the things you believed before you were in this position. It's like walking along in the dark, and the only thing guiding you is a rope. If you let go of it, you will get lost. Trust yourself - trust your views from before you met him.

I think we are all a bit blind when we're in love. I once fell in love with a married man. At the time, he believed he loved me too. Perhaps he did. But I never lost sight of the fact that my feelings - and his - were less important than his family, my personal ethics and my self esteem. It wasn't an easy choice to cut all contact with him - it broke my heart to walk away. But it was the ONLY decision. There was no way of maintaining a friendship once we had talked so openly about our feelings.

If this man you love loves you too, he is not going to WANT to put you in a position where you can't tell friends about your love, you can't hold hands in the street and it's all about lies and deceit. If he is willing to put you through such horrible things, whatever is going on in his head, it isn't love.

Playing games with your feelings isn't love.

morningpaper Tue 09-Jun-09 09:55:58

Unless you regularly fall in love with random chaps (in which case then you can probably cope) then I suggest you start looking for another job or ask to be transferred

4andnotout Tue 09-Jun-09 10:13:56

My dp was still married and living with his wife when i met him, however the marriage had been dead on both sides for a few years and his wife had asked for a divorce before we met.
We have been together for 5 years now and had 3 children together (i already had dd1) and he will be starting divorce proceedings asap (we had to wait the 5 years as when he met someone else she decided she did want him after all hmm)

DamonBradleylovesPippi Tue 09-Jun-09 10:16:15

Yes but I was young and din't realise the implications tbh. Never after that, probably a matter of luck though rather than me having wisened up.

ginnny Tue 09-Jun-09 10:28:52

I don't think its love. Its very strong infatuation or lust or whatever.
Either way, try to avoid being alone with him and keep his wife and dc at the front of your mind at all times.
Or read through some of the threads on here to see the devastation caused by affairs. That should put you off!

katemumtwo Tue 09-Jun-09 10:43:41

Think of the crushes you had as a teenager and how bloomin' glad you are that you are not now with ex-school love god aka spotty Gary, who you thought was once your soul mate but is now a total loser, or whatever!

This is the same chemical reaction. A married man who flirts outrageously behind his wife's back... What an ego, what a catch! (not). I bet this isn't the first time, either, slimebag.

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame Tue 09-Jun-09 10:45:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CountessDracula Tue 09-Jun-09 10:46:53

He sounds like a wanker who is after an ego-boost and is using you for that.

I find it hard to believe you actually want someone like that!

rhubarbyou2 Tue 09-Jun-09 12:23:41

all i think is if its an affair there cant ever be trust even if you end up together,happy ever after so to speek,but sometimes there are genuine cases of dead marriages that just need to end and there maybe the overlap of relationships for the first few days or so,i think these would probably be succesful because the mourning process of the past marriage has probably happened whilst still in the marriage and its just the process of moving on that needs to happen

kentmumtj Tue 09-Jun-09 13:38:10

im in love with a married man...........hes my dh and the only married man i would want to love

rhubarbyou2 Tue 09-Jun-09 19:17:33

thats a good one, kentmumtj,i dont think its probably what some mn want to hear,not enough doom and gloom and all that,but good for you,and snap i am the same as youwink

PurpleKate Tue 09-Jun-09 19:35:34

I worked with him for a while, we got on well, but nothing more than friendship. I moved onto a new job in the same company but not working with him. It became obvious that he had feelings for me that I didn't share, we used to talk alot at lunchtimes, and one day I suddenly I realised I had fallen in love with him.
We both admitted we had feelings for each other, but I told him I wasn't going to have an affair, and it was best we didn't see each other alone again.
He then immediately left his wife, just like that. We hadn't even kissed at that point!

We've been together ever since, are now married with a beautiful daughter.

I can't say I'm proud that we broke up his marriage, but we have no regrets.

HappyWoman Tue 09-Jun-09 19:46:17

purple but that is not having an affair.

Although i can see why the wife would have thought it could be.

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