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I'm hopping mad. DH insensitivity just makes my blood boil and I can't say anything or he goes off the deep end. Ranting - I'm sorry.

(15 Posts)
SwissCheese Mon 08-Jun-09 21:47:36

It's no good, I need to rant and then I'll be ok. I apologise upfront!!
I'm working full time, have DS (3yrs) who is a nursery for 3 full days a week. DS is going through a phase where he's finding it hard to go to nursery, think new children, squabbles over ride-on toys etc haven't helped, but all normal. I've been messed around withmy shifts a lot recently, which has left me going early, getting back late and he's told me he misses me. (Place GUILT stamp of forehead at this point). DH get tired, fractious and generally in a tizzy when he looks after him after 24 hours. So I again place guilt stamp on forehead.
DS has just started waking up again off and on throughout the night, crying and quite distressed - he tells me it's because he dreams I'm leaving him. I give bundles of reassurance and try to spend as much time as possible with him when I'm off just doing normal family stuff together.

Well, I've just been trying to get DS to settle for the night - he's been at nursery all day. He is tired but couldn't settle. So eventually he has after 2 hours. I go downstairs and tell DH about the reason DS isn't settling (me being away - doesn't want to go to nursery). He said: are you going to listen to a 3 yr old? So I said, it wasn't about not listening, but something is evidently upsetting him. Whereupon he's gone off like a bottle of pop at me. I say nothing and get some milk for DS to try and settle him and he slams stuff down next to me and then has a go at me for 'even considering reducing hours'.... (he works part time and could work longer hours but chooses not to which can exasperate me).

I give up!!!

Am I the only one who can't say anything?! Grrrrr

Plus - told you I'd bore you, but I'm on a rant... It's a fairly significant birthday for me this year and he has arranged to have a kitchen fitted (which is very nice and I am lucky to be able to have a new kitchen) on the week leading up to and after my birthday. He's told me that there is no chance of doing anything as it will be all go then. He's arranged to go to france with his mates for the following weekend which also happens to be DS 4th birthday.

Ooo, I'm not a happy bunny.

Rant ends. grin

missylea Mon 08-Jun-09 22:09:26

I would be absolutely raging!!!! He isnt doing anything for your birthday cause of a kitchen being fitted????? but can go away with friends the next weekend, I would be livid as well. Why does he only work p/t? Think you need to sit down and have a chat with him and tell him things need to change as it is obviously upsetting your ds. Why cant he work f/t and you go p/t?
But thats men for ya selfish to the bone.
big hugs coming your way (((((((Hugs)))))))

traceybath Mon 08-Jun-09 22:28:00

So he gets to work less hours but you don't? Doesn't sound terribly fair unless this is something you've both rationally agreed to and you generally prefer except when ranting wink.

Think you do need a proper talk with him about the nature of your partnership and that you need to be able to discuss your guilt/worries with your DH.

Gmac2009 Mon 08-Jun-09 22:36:29

I would be furious, which I know isn't helpful, but really, what a selfish arse.

You may not be interested but I went through a similar thing with my DH and we decided to go to counselling. It was absolutely the best thing we could have done and I'm positive if we hadn't we would not now be together.

Having a mediator made telling the truth about our feelings a hundred times easier - and you have the safety of the counselling situation to 'free you up'.

It helped so much I would suggest giving it a try - before the resentment eats you up from the inside out and leaves your marriage irrepairable.
Don't wait until there's a crisis to get help.

mawbroon Mon 08-Jun-09 22:40:49

SwissCheese, poor you, it all sounds a bit stressful.

If it's any consolation, my ds is 3.7yo has just entered a separation anxiety phase. Not for the obvious things like leaving him at nursery, but he has to be in the same room as me at home, and if we are co sleeping and I am facing the other way, he says "mummy, I need to see your face" and he will become hysterical when I shower because he can't see me (perhaps we need a see through shower curtain!)

As with all these phases, I guess you just have to believe that it will pass! I hope it's soon. smile

SwissCheese Tue 09-Jun-09 10:59:28

Thank you for the hugs and points of view.

I would love to get him to go to counselling - I have noticed that he goes off like a bottle of pop more often than not. It's very hard to deal with.

Plus I've found out he's been rekindling an old flame's attention. This old flame is over the pond, so not a direct threat, so to speak, but it doesn't exactly help me feel too special - and what can I say? Makes me out to be the one who is paranoid. I feel like giving her what for and telling her to back off, after all, she has a family too. So tempting. angry.

Sometimes, just sometimes....99, 100..101..102

Tortington Tue 09-Jun-09 11:03:05

i think he needs a good dose of "fuck the fuck of dickhead"

esp if its out of character for you.

Lizzylou Tue 09-Jun-09 11:03:38

Swisscheese, let me get this straight:

YOu are working fulltime and missing your DS and he you
YOur (D)H is working parttime and won't increase his hours
It's big birthday and he's not planning anything for you
He's going away the weekend after by himself and missing his son's 4th birthday
He is in contact with an old flame

Ummm, he'd be wearing his balls for earrings here!
Why on earth are you letting him get away with all of this? Is it because you are scared of his temper?
Get tough.

Hassled Tue 09-Jun-09 11:08:25

Dear God, what a tosser. And you're with him why exactly? It sounds less like a partnership and more like a responsibility. And you clearly have quite enough of those already. Show him this thread - let him see how he looks in black and white and how random internet strangers view his behaviour.

SwissCheese Tue 09-Jun-09 11:10:37

I'm not scared of his temper 1 on 1. I'm very aware and do not want my little DS exposed to the aggression or atmosphere which can be unbearable. It upsets my son so much I would to an extent put up with it, until I could be in a position to sort DH out.
Until then, the smiles are a facade.

Lizzylou Tue 09-Jun-09 11:12:21

Well why not wait until your DS is in bed tonight and have a good talk with your husband?
Because he is not treating you well at all and you deserve better, as does your DS.

DamonBradleylovesPippi Tue 09-Jun-09 11:15:08

Swisscheese have just been through my birthday which dh has not treated with the consideration it deserved (he did lot more than nothing though but not quite enough) and we had huge row. I'd be super fuming. is he caring for ds while you are at work? what does he think about his distress?

Gmac2009 how did you arrange counselling? I want to try before we are in a crisis as you said. DH gets very sensitive and on the defensive everytime I complain about something and takes it as if he's not good enough. I want to go somewhere were we can both talk and listen to each other. Suggestions?

DamonBradleylovesPippi Tue 09-Jun-09 11:21:08

Swisscheese have just been through my birthday which dh has not treated with the consideration it deserved (he did lot more than nothing though but not quite enough) and we had huge row. I'd be super fuming. is he caring for ds while you are at work? what does he think about his distress?

Gmac2009 how did you arrange counselling? I want to try before we are in a crisis as you said. DH gets very sensitive and on the defensive everytime I complain about something and takes it as if he's not good enough. I want to go somewhere were we can both talk and listen to each other. Suggestions?

Gmac2009 Tue 09-Jun-09 19:04:12

Hi again

I looked at those offered in yellow pages and went with Scottish Marriage Care, which asks for blind donations rather than a set fee, which was great as we were skint but really in need of help. They also work with Relate for those of you not in the North.

Damon, your DH's attitude sounds excatly like my DH before counselling.
Good luck, be brave and do it now.

DamonBradleylovesPippi Wed 10-Jun-09 09:27:07

Gmac2009 thanks a lot for info. Will look it up and tell him while on holiday. May I ask, was your DH happy to come along? I have mentioned it to my DH previously, after a rough patch had passed - post newborn - and he said he'd be a bit hmm and not so keen but he'd probably give it a try. I can imagine him being defensive at first and acting all superior. How was yours?

Sorry to highjack Swisscheese.

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