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I have tried but I always nag/row with DH.

(12 Posts)
pamelat Mon 08-Jun-09 20:02:04

I posted a while back and have tried to make an effort but I am not sure what is going wrong.

Everything was fine pre DD. She is 17 months now so things should have settled back down.

DH is a good dad and he is helpful at home, cooking tea etc. He also is the one to get up with DD (6am) the most often, whilst I enjoy an extra hour or so of sleep most days.

With most people in my life, I am (too) giving/loving/generous.

DH has now had enough of me, he has taken me to task about the way I talk to him on a number of occassions and each time I agree with him and say that I will try to change, and then i never do.

Its nothing too serious. Its just things like I will ask him to do something, something as silly as to take the bins out and he will delay it slightly by watching TV or by saying it will happen later (not even important I know) and I will be quite resentful and nag about it.

Today I came home from a busy day at home and for some reason, I decided to have a clean up before collecting DD from nursery. I did chores and put tea on, planning for a nice evening together. however the moment that DH walks in the resentment takes hold and I say something stupid. Tonight I listed all the jobs I had done and started tasking him with some and then moaned blush when he sat down for a few minutes.

I wonder if I am just unhappy/miserable person and seem to operate a tit for tat mentality sad.

I used to think that the resentment post DD was because I was a SAHM but now I back at work part time and its not a great deal better.

I know I need to just accept that life is hard and to be grateful but I dont know how. I just end up wanting to go to the gym/sit in the sauna/go shopping/read a book and get away from the boring chores of life. Immature I know.

Overmydeadbody Mon 08-Jun-09 20:12:54

Well at least you are recognising that you are in the wrong and need to change.

Are you truly happy in this relationship or is there some underlying regret/unhappiness that is causing you to behave like this towards your DP? Are you subconsciously puching him away perhaps?

Overmydeadbody Mon 08-Jun-09 20:16:52

Sometimes it is just a case of negative behaviour patterns that become automatic.

You need to break this pattern of behaviour, or your DH with turn round and leave.

You need to see him as an individual, a human being seperate to you who doesn't have to do what you say when you say it. You are not his mother.

If it helps, try to imagine how you would treat a housemate. If a housemate said they'd take the bin out would you then nag him to do it on your terms? Probably not. Give your DH the same respect.

pamelat Mon 08-Jun-09 20:20:00

Hi thanks, not that I know Overmydb.

I think that I just struggle with being a mum and being a wife, its hard and I am a bit rubbish at it.

I got pregnant a week or two before our wedding so I never really got to try married life, except for being very pampered whist pregnant and then suddenly (so it seemed) to have to try to adjust to new roles.

I do want to try. I love DD so much, but she is very high spirited. Sometimes I feel that she takes so much of my emotional and physical energy that i dont have any left for DH sad

pamelat Mon 08-Jun-09 20:24:22

Just read your second post, thanks

In total have been with DH for 9 years, only married for 2.

I think familiarity has caused some problems.
It works both ways of course, he sometimes treats me dismissively and I do have issues with his "ignoring" me which I think then causes me to nag.

I dont even mean in relation to chores but just in general life he never seems to want to actually chat to me, and its hard to get his attention away from the TV at times. Not excusing my behaviour as he is great otherwise. Its just that I think I have become resentful of the TV blush and have a real bee in my bonnet about him not listening to me.

He has gone to the pub for an hour now to give "me some space".

pamelat Mon 08-Jun-09 20:26:46

readng this now that I have calmed down, it all sounds a bit silly. Sorry to those with serious issues. I am just frustrated at myself.

Overmydeadbody Mon 08-Jun-09 20:57:19

Don't appologise, regardless of what other people may be going through, if this is bothering you and becoming a problam that is making your relationship difficult then it is perfectly legitimate to be posting here and be feeling frustrated!

Sorry I don't have wiser words to help you, but from what you say it sounds like you are both trapped in a rut of negative behaviour and negative responses to each other, and tired and stressed ith being new parents, so taking it out on each other.

Perhaps you both need a holiday?

Dysgu Mon 08-Jun-09 21:04:29

Pamelat - I could have written your first post myself this evening. I even wondered if I had as my evening went exactly like that from the minute my DP stepped through the door!

I know it all seems trivial but it just gets a bit wearing day after day.

I am hoping that things will improve once I go back to work in September - although reading that they haven't for you makes me wonder if they won't for me. However, I am on ML with DD2 and things did get better again after I went back to work last time.

I am not very good at staying home. I think I am good at being a mum and good at being a partner but put the two together and it all gets a bit hard. Especially as my DP seems to thin I stay home to tidy the house and has been known to walk in and start doing all the stuff I haven't got round to with two infants at home.

I do try to think before I speak but sometimes find it impossible - must try harder!

LadyG Mon 08-Jun-09 21:07:24

Why don't you take a day to go to the gym/sauna/shopping/read a book etc? I need a sanity day every so often and find DH more understanding shall we say after a day with my two. Or use a days leave and do it while DD at nursery. It might give you a bit of perspective and make you happier in yourself which is the key. some really good advice which I am very bad at remembering myself is-will this really matter a year from now? (Whatever you are just about to fly off the handle about.)

warthog Mon 08-Jun-09 22:12:29

i get like this when i haven't had enough time to myself or haven't been doing enough of the things I like to do.

i would tell him that you realize you've been grumpy and you feel you need more time. ask him for a morning off every weekend where you can go to starbucks and read the newspaper, even if it's just for an hour. or whatever floats your boat. and also organize an evening out at least every fortnight together, as well as one where you get to go and see friends or indulge your hobby.

you need to remind yourself of who you are, outside of being a mum and a wife so that you can start treating him like a human being too, instead of a father and a husband.

believe me - this has helped me enormously.

Dysgu Mon 08-Jun-09 22:20:33

This is really useful for me to read and I hope you are finding it helpful too pamelat.

We have been out together without the children only once since DD2 was born on Christmas eve and I have been out without them twice (once to the supermarket and once to lunch with a friend).

This is the only time I get to myself now that DP has gone to bed - really should be loading the dishwasher again and sorting laundry again but am on MN instead.

I really should get some more time for myself when it is light outside... thank you.

pamelat Tue 09-Jun-09 20:47:34

Thank you all, you are so right.

I dragged myself to the gym this evening, only to a 40 minute easy class but I really enjoyed it and have come home much more positive, and therefore nice.

Maybe its as simple as that.

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