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I think this is the end of the road. DH is at it again, but now I need hard evidence

(83 Posts)
nanog Mon 08-Jun-09 10:46:02

I have a very practical question, but I think you should read the background to fully appreciate the extent of my pain. I've had to think long and hard about posting here, because I'm having to face up to the facts that my 11-year marraige may be over.

Some of you may recall my previous post in Aug, when I shared my devasting experience of finding DH naked in the garage, videos on his phone pleasuring himself and calls to a massage parlour. Here is the thread.

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=580184-am-i-being-paranoid#11842572

It went on, until I was ready to confront him with my findings. DH totally clammed up and denied doing anything wrong. He couldn't answer any of my questions and basically wanted me to forget about the whole thing. This led to mass apologies and DH reasssured me he was just messing around with his friends at work, who we're all phoning massage parlours for a laugh (on my bloody expense no doubt!)

Anyway, since then we've been trying to rebuild our relationship, not to say our sex life. We have sex at least two, sometimes three times a week. However, I recently recognised that same pattern again - DH being extra nice; DH going out everyday (he's been made redundant) for frivolous things.

So, I checked his itemised billing. (I can get access to our mobile account online) and my suspisions were confirmed, when I found a number to a massage parloour. However, there is a key difference - You see before, he'd be calling a massage parlour and the itemised billing would show DH had been speaking to them for about 4-15 minutes. This time, he calls a landline number (i searched it in Google and it leads to a massage parlour website, advertising it's services) and then he disappers for 45-min to an hour. I think DH is going to the massage parlour for sex, blow jobs and whatever else they might offer.

What pisses me off, is not only has he betrayed and lied to me, but it's like he can come back home and then expect sex from me again!

Since I discovered these calls, my behaviour has changed. I can't be my normal self around him, espeially when I think he's sleeping with escort girls (or whatever they're called). He knows my behaviour has changed too, because I tried to log onto the mobile phone account this morning and he's changed the password. I asked him what the password was and he said he couldn't remember. So now, he's denying me access.

I'm no longer speculating about what he's done. I'm confident he has been paying for sexual activities?! but I need to track his wherabouts, so then he doesn't have a leg to stand on when I confront him again, because no doubt I will only recieve the same response as last time - complete denial!

I now know things will never be the same between us. To add to my trauma, I lost someone very close to me in tragic circumstances three months ago and I'm having bereavement counselling. DH knows this. He sees me crying to sleep most nights, yet I discovered the calls to this new massage parlour started during the week of the funeral. How could he be so insensitive and selfish. I just can't bring myself to share a bed with him anymore. He has hurt me so much.

I'm trying to keep it together for now, for the sake of our DC. I feel physically repulsed when he comes near me. Not sure, how long I can keep this going? I know when the time comes and I reveal my evidence, he is going to be so desperate to keep me on-side. What I need is hard evidence. Because without this, we'll get nowhere near the answers. I need to track DH's wherabouts to prove he is cheating on me and I'm willing to pay whatever it takes to catch him out.

Can anyone offer any advice please?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Mon 08-Jun-09 10:48:21

Message withdrawn

CarGirl Mon 08-Jun-09 10:50:47

Why do you need evidence?

You know he is up to it, you can divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

nanog Mon 08-Jun-09 10:50:52

I've been there before. He clams up. He'll say he has only been seeking companionship and not sex, which is bollocks, but if I can prove his vists to this massage parlour, then I can get somewhere with my argument.

Last time, I was became so tired from talking to what felt like a brick wall. His denials, followed by silence.

mumblechum Mon 08-Jun-09 10:51:22

Depends what you need the evidence for. If you've decided you want to divorce him on the grounds of adultery, your solicitor will ask him to confirm the adultery in writing (no need for any names) so the divorce can go ahead. If he won't admit it, you just divorce him on unreasonable behaviour.

If, however, you're not at the divorce stage yet but want some evidence for your own satisfaction/to confront him with then you should hire a private detective to follow him to the massage parlour.

CarGirl Mon 08-Jun-09 10:51:53

What are you wanting to achieve?

Repair the marriage or divorce?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Mon 08-Jun-09 10:52:19

Message withdrawn

JodieO Mon 08-Jun-09 10:53:39

I couldn't stay with someone after this once, let alone twice. I'd tell him I knew what he'd done and that it was over. He'd be packing his atuff the same day and leaving.

IDidntRaiseAThief Mon 08-Jun-09 10:55:16

you think you need hard evidence to back you up?

surely this is becuase you don't want him to say and others to say that the split is/was your fault.

it's HIS fault. You don't need any evidence. Your gut feeling, and the past evidenc eis enough.

you just need the courage to do what you need to do.

keep strong, this is not normal, and not your fault.

nanog Mon 08-Jun-09 10:56:12

As for divorce...the thought of it literally terrifies me. I know people do survive emotionally, but it would break our families apart. I don't want to bring any pain to our DC. We live in an area surrounded by DH's family. I fear he would turn them against me and I need to ask myself whether I could deal with that.

I would certainly push for an amicable seperation. It would be best all round i think, but how likely is that? Does it happen? At this present moment in time, I'm not emotionally strong, due to my recent bereavement.

CarGirl Mon 08-Jun-09 10:56:35

presumably you could just get a print off of the phone account that is evidence enough that he has phoned them on several occasions.

ReallyReally Mon 08-Jun-09 10:56:48

if you're looking for information for divorce proceedings, surely if he is paying for massage services there is money going missing somewhere?

ReallyReally Mon 08-Jun-09 10:58:37

re your last post

your children will grow up and you will have been unhappy all that time. That, and the fact that their father has no respect for their mother and regularly uses prostitutes, will screw them up more than a divorce, imo

my parents are divorced, btw, and see, I'm fine! It's not the end of the world.

JodieO Mon 08-Jun-09 10:58:50

You owe it to your children to show them what a normal, healthy relationship is like. Not one where their mother can't stand being near their father. You would be strong enough now, don't leave it any longer. It would help you imo as you would have to cope for the sake of your children. Why do you care what dh's family think? You know the truth and that's all that matters.

Galava Mon 08-Jun-09 10:59:23

I remember your thread from last time too.

I think you've given it a go, but its not going to work really is it.

Starting out again after 11 years will be incredibly hard, but whats the alternative. Trying to start again, and then wondering what will happen in the next 11 months, 11 years ?

He is the one in the wrong here. Not you.

I think you need you need to end it and move on. Now.

Sorry, you have to go through all this again, especially afteer your bereavement.

Niecie Mon 08-Jun-09 11:00:54

You have evidence, don't you. You saw the mobile phone bill and you know it is the number of a massage parlour. That isn't going to change just because you can see it written down again.

Why don't you just follow him next time he goes out and catch him coming out the door? Seems a bit extreme to me but if it will finally convince both you and him that there is no doubt you know what he is up to then it might help.

nanog Mon 08-Jun-09 11:02:02

I didn't raise a theif - I take your point. Yes, the evidence would confirm he was at fault to all those outsiders (of which there are many and play a huge role in our day to day family)

Is living as a single parent in a house we bought only 20 months ago an option? Does this mean he would not contribute to paying the mortgage. From a financial point of view, I'm not sure whether kicking his out is finiancially viable, or whether i should consider down-sizing.

Sorry, for what may seem obviouis questions about divorce / seperation. I've only just begun contemplating kicking him. I'm seriously considering it.

dizietsma Mon 08-Jun-09 11:02:20

He's probably deeply in denial. He sounds like a sex addict, alarm bells were ringing for me when I read that the calls conincided with the funeral.

You don't have to suffer this, you deserve better than this.

He's putting your health at risk, that is unacceptable.

He's lying bare-faced to you, that is unacceptable.

He has betrayed your trust at a time you need him the most, that is unacceptable.

You have to draw the line somewhere.

I'm so sorry.

ReallyReally Mon 08-Jun-09 11:02:53

and if he does deny it, so what?

does that make him right? Or is it further proof that he doesn't even have the respect to tell you the truth and tries to make it sound like you are a paranoid madwoman?

"just messing around with his friends at work" - what is he, 13 years old? He thought you would believe this?

CarGirl Mon 08-Jun-09 11:04:42

You and your dc have the right to be housed until your youngest leaves full time education so 18ish. Whether you downsize or not depends on how much equity/how big your home is etc etc.

Make an appointment with CAB asap as they take a while to come up.

MaggieBee Mon 08-Jun-09 11:04:45

You don't need printed evidence, to show him. it's not about making him realise that you know. You know. It doesn't really matter if he continues in his little delusion of calling you paranoid..

The point is, you do know. If he tries to tell you you;re mad, just say, righto, i'm mad, now like I said, it's over.

Stick with the counselling. This will probably be the hardest time of your life. I hit a real rough patch 2 yrs ago. You'll get through it.. xx

If you are talking about evidence for a divorce though,maybe you could contact a PD who could follow him to a massage parlour??

IDidntRaiseAThief Mon 08-Jun-09 11:05:51

i am not sure of all the practicalities of being single with a mortgage.

i think it may be a good idea for you to dip into loneparents section, as there could be some practical advice on how that all works.

I am single mum now, but rent so different. Yet i have to say that having my own space and own life, although hard to come to terms with, has made me stronger.

Overmydeadbody Mon 08-Jun-09 11:06:54

You're never going to get emotionally stronger if you stay with this man though. How could you?

Forget about trying to find hard evidence, just leave him. You can do it amicably if you want, but you are not in control of how he behaves or how he will react.

Niftyblue Mon 08-Jun-09 11:08:35

If he has changed his password
He already knows you know

you don^t need any more evidence

nanog Mon 08-Jun-09 11:10:39

really really - He has several accounts. Two in his own name and I suspect he's been taking the money out of one of those to pay for the massage parlour services. I have no way of tracking those statements.

He was made redundant four weeks ago and he knows money is now going to be extremely tight, but he is still calling the massage parlour number and disapperating. One thing i can't take and I suppose this should be enough, is that he visited the parlour on the day of DS2's birthday party. I've located the parlour and it's very close to the baker's shop, where DH collected the birthday cake that very morning.

I think i could get by finiancially, as we have many assets, which we'd have to split 50/50, but the childcare would be an issue. I am the only person in full time employment. i love my job. i have a fabulous career - one my DC really look up to and I know they'll be incredibly supportive (and shocked) when i make my decision to seperate.

Much of the advice coming through is to confront him now, not to seek any tracking device / private detective and to throw him out right now / this week.

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