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lost control during a row with dh

(9 Posts)
Cantthinkofanamemum Mon 08-Jun-09 09:11:15

name changed as I don't really want dh or ow (if she lurks on here) to read.

Just under a year ago I found out that my dh of 19 years had been having a 2 year affair with a family friend. We decided to try and work things out, it's been hard on me, really hard. Wanted to know the details, but it's nearly destroyed me knowing.
Things have been good, sometimes better than they ever were, other times a lot worse. Dh seems to have now developed a scary temper, quick to explode.This has been more noticable this year. He resents having to show affection to me, but this was part of our agreement of trying again.

I knew things were brewing as he kept giving me dark looks, being a bit snappy. But me being me I had to ask what was wrong, this opened the flood gates and he said that all I had done all day was moan (but could only think of 2 examples of me doing so)and he was sick of having to kiss or cuddle me everyday, that he would rather be dead than have to do this every day. Well I'm ashamed to say I slapped his face.
He was of course really mad now and he doesn't lay a finger on me but knows what to say to hurt me the most and started saying how people hated me, workmates etc.
He then went on to say that he was going to get in touch with ow again (this is the first time he has said this) I was so upset and he was daring me to hit him, by coming right up close, taunting me etc, I knew he wanted me to, but was scared as to where it would lead so instead of lashing out, I spat in his face, twice. After that I stayed in our bedroom and cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I put my arm around him and he shrugged me off and got up . He did not speak to me all day.
Why did I do that, I know when he is pushing my buttons, but I still react. I've made things so unbearable at home again

fartmeistergeneral Mon 08-Jun-09 09:20:01

poor, poor you. Have been in a similar situation (ie found out about an affair), but my dh was not so vindictive.

Have you support in RL, friends, family you can talk to about this? 19 years is a long time for things to go badly wrong quickly, but once the ow is on the scene everything changes.

Doha Mon 08-Jun-09 20:19:43

Tell him to bugger off the OW is welcome to him

pamelat Mon 08-Jun-09 20:30:12

This sonds terrible. He sounds awful.

I think that you would be a lot better off, and in the long term happier, without him

How horried for him to talk about the OW in a row, thats emotional abuse/bullying.

Really feel for you sad

pamelat Mon 08-Jun-09 20:31:32

PS) with everything that he has put you through and with all the horrid things that he said to you, its interesting that your thread title concentrates on the one small (and in my opinion) understandable thing you did in retaliaton. It sounds like he has seriously damaged your self esteem. Its not your fault.

twoclimbingboys Mon 08-Jun-09 20:32:15

I really don't mean to upset you - but let the OW have him. You haven't made things unbearable - it has been a combined effort.

'resents having to show affection to me' - that is horrible of him.

Doodle2U Mon 08-Jun-09 20:34:48

Sometimes, you gotta know when to walk away.

LoveBeingAMummy Mon 08-Jun-09 20:37:08

Why did you put your arm around him?

Can you really forgive the arguement by just waking up and not talking about it?

Irisheyes78 Mon 08-Jun-09 20:45:17

My dh lost control in a row the other night and I am now nursing cracked ribs and brusies all over my body.

I can't even pick my children up.

Your dh sounds like a bully as is mine.

Best of luck to you.

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