Think I've moved in with a complete control freak

[MLCMobile]

I belong to a martial arts club and my DP has recentlty tried pursuading me not to go. "You look ill/tired ... we could have a BBQ instead tonight ... We could get a few drinks in and watch a movie instead...." etc etc

He has made it clear that he doesn't like some of the men that train there and insist that they fancy me.

Anyway today I had to go on a training course with the club. He tried his best to stop me going but I told him I had to. (I didn't, I just wanted to).

Anyway, whilst there, we decided our next meet-up would be in the pub for a few drinks ... make it social as well as training.

I told DP and he went in a right mood. Said he hoped it would be a weekend when my kids were with their dad as he "didn't want all 3 kids all day on his own" (one is his).

I told him if it came to it, MY kids would go to their grandmother's. So he said "well, you can't drink as you'll be driving" I told him I'd be getting a taxi ... he went on about wasting money.

Anyway, I'm going, regardless. So he's in a mood.

Anyway earlier I put the kids karate suits in the wash ready for tomorow. The wash has just finished and when I pulled them out, they were covered in FRESH mud. Smeared all over them ... nothing else in the washing machine was effected, just the karate suits. Is it far fetched to think DP may have done this whilst I was in the shower? (as that's when the cycle finished). He thought my suit was in there too but it wasn't. When I questioned him, he stuttered, looked guilty and kept going on about "how strange" etc

AIBU to be concerned about how far this may go??

[CarGirl]

Think you've sussed him out!

[siblingrivalry]

No, YANBU. I'm really sorry, but alarm bells would be ringing loudly if I was you. Smearing mud on the suits is a calculated act.

Good for you for refusing to back down. How long have you lived together?

[Hassled]

He's a nutter and in your shoes I would be very worried indeed. I would be running for the hills.

[BalloonSlayer]

Blimey!

Control freak loon.

How long have you been living together?

Alarm bells ringing like crazy for me!

[Jux]

I don't know anyone over 5 years old who would do something like that. I'd be very wary.

[LadyPinkofPinkerton]

Err, yes Run for the hills comes to mind.

How long have you been together?

[walkinthewoods]

Whoa
Is this the only incident or have there been others? SOunds a bit controlling. How long have you been together?

[HumphreyCobbler]

that is awful

if it has happened and it isn't some freak accident

[MLCMobile]

Been living together for just a few weeks

[MaggieBee]

Please call time now. He's not the father of your children. I spent 8 yrs with a man who controlled me, with straightforward bullying and with moods, silences, lack of money. He wouldn't let me choose a saucepan. He told me to get the train rather than the bus. He had a disparaging (supposedly harmless) name for all of my friends. He talked me out of returning to my job after I had a child. Then when I tried to reapply for another job when child was 11 months old he revealed his true controlly colours. But it was too late by then! I was backed into a corner you could say. No money in my bank account and no job and I felt a bit ground down too.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

OK if he smeared mud all over the suits he's a loon and you should run for the hills.

If he didn't, he's still a bloody control freak - going into a mood because you are pursuing a hobby, giving out negative vibes about it - I would be making it very clear that being controlled is not on your agenda and if controlling you is on his, the relationship has no future.

[MaggieBee]

ps, to start off with, his controlling was all supposedly for my welfare, or dc1's welfare, or to save money..... all very reasonable he thought.

[GypsyMoth]

Ugh!!

Alarm bells too I'm afraid!!

How easy would it be to return back to your old place?

[MaggieBee]

is he in your house or are you in his?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

MLCMobile

This is about power and control; he wants that completely over you and your children. I'd start making plans to end this relationship asap and I don't say that at all lightly. Controlling behaviour often esclates and the longer you stay in this the more damage is done. It becomes harder for you to leave as you get ground down and have less self esteem and worth.

Am sure as well he was charm personified when you met him; these people cannot hide their controlling natures forever. BTW he won't make it at all easy for you to leave him but leave him you must.

This comment of yours too is par for the course when it comes to controlling people and how they control and manipulate others:-

"ps, to start off with, his controlling was all supposedly for my welfare, or dc1's welfare, or to save money..... all very reasonable he thought".

You will all be further damaged by him if you stay in this unhealthy relationship, and no, you cannot help him.

His behaviour is without doubt abusive (he is trying to isolate you socially and he is telling you that he thinks other men fancy you). Both of these, let alone his behaviour (he did do this as well of that I have no doubt whatsoever) with regards to the mud smearing on the karate suits would have alarm bells ringing big time. You need to be aware as well that controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. It is insidious in its onset as well, its only when people get with controlling people full time that they come to gradually realise how much they have been controlled to date.

I would also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. It is all about how such men operate.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Controlling men are often angry men as well. You need to be very careful.

You are certainly not in a healthy relationship and the children will be learning from both of you about relationships. You do not want them to experience a controlling relationship.

[RGPargy]

Get out now while you can. He's a freak and you and your kids dont need someone in your life like that!!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

12 signs of a controlling personality and potential abuser

1. Jealousy

1. Blames others (including you) for his faults, him being the way he is

1. Blames circumstances for his problems (it's not me, it's how life is treating me)

1. His behaviour is unpredictable and you don't know what to expect from him at any time, in particular how he may greet you

1. He belittles you verbally, tries to take away your self-esteem and self-respect

1. He cannot control his anger and directs his anger at you regardless if his anger is due to something he feels you did or someone/something else

1. He always asks for a second chance to behave better

1. He says he'll change, that he won't do it again, after he's finished his tirade

1. His family resolves problems with violence, a history of violent behaviour in his family, with brothers and sisters, against parents, his parents were argumentative and/or abusers

10. He plays on your guilt. (If you loved me, you'd...")

11. His behaviour often worsens when he uses alcohol or drugs, easily becoming uncontrollable

12. He is close-minded. His way is the only way and you'd better always do as he says.

[MaggieBee]

ATtilla, it was me who said that, not the OP. But at the start, although I saw 'signs' it would have seemed at that point ludicrous to call time on the relationship 'just' because he talked me in to taking a train somewhere instead of a bus! Individually, everything seemed fairly reasonable.

I was doing a ymca fitness course when I met him funnily enough, bit like OP, and oh boy he sure made that harder than it needed to be. He sulked in the run up to the exams.. I needed that stress!!

Everything I did the 8 yrs I was with him was done with the opposite of support. It was done with somebody trying to lassoo me back into place. Being with a man like this is a drain on your energy and positivity.

[Yurtgirl]

MLCMobile - I know its going to be hard as you and your kids have only just moved in with this man but I really think (along with others here) you ought to run for the hills (unless you can be absolutely certain that this will stop for good, unlikely I suspect)

Moving on wont be as hard as you might think

[warthog]

sorry, but i think you should leave asap.

[warthog]

and also, i'd wait a lot longer before moving in with a bloke.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

MaggieBee

re your comments:-
"ATtilla, it was me who said that, not the OP".

So it was, that'll teach me to read the names more carefully. I am very sorry for the misattribution.

" But at the start, although I saw 'signs' it would have seemed at that point ludicrous to call time on the relationship 'just' because he talked me in to taking a train somewhere instead of a bus! Individually, everything seemed fairly reasonable".

As said before controlling people are often highly plausible to those in the outside world and do seemingly everything for and with the other person in mind. These are all signs of control early on and unfortunately these can and often get ignored in the early days of a relationship.

[MaggieBee]

No worries attila, also, I thought I could handle my x when I saw the first signs of his controlling nature.

I was a strong, confident character with a well-paid job and a wide circle of friends who loved me and a family who'd always encouraged me to think well of myself.

I thought that I would be able to 'manage' his controllingness if that makes sense. I thought I would be able to reason with him. Make him SEE sense, when necessary. But even then I knew I'd have to choose my battles selectively.

Roll on two years. I had a child, no salary, I lived in 'his' house. Total nightmare.

OP you probably think I'm being melodramatic and that what I say has nothing to do with you. That's what I would have though 10 yrs ago. I left him nearly 2 yrs ago now. TG. Life is much easier now.

[mrsboogie]

You wouldn't have posted this thread on here if you didn't already know there's a problem. You are seeking confirmation of what you suspect - you have got it.

Listen to your instincts. They are always to be relied upon.