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just started divorce proceedings - thought i was doing ok, but am so sad

(10 Posts)
wastedtime Sun 07-Jun-09 12:47:02

Title says it all really.
We seperared end of last year. I sort of thought i was doing ok ( ish) had a few bad days, but on the whole was feeling positive. His behavior was been terrible and thats the only reason for the bad days. I kicked him out and i 100% still stand by my decision.
I had my first solicitor appt this week.
Its just made me feel so sad that i keep crying. I feel like the last 10 years of my life have just been wasted. It hurts to see how easy it is to undo all of that. I feel so sad that this is what its come too, and so sad that we cant even bear to speak on the phone.
I feel guilty for my DD, that she wont have her whole family, and most likely will never have a sibling. I feel that i have taken away what she was entitled to.
Im 6 months down the line and i was hoping that it would be getting better, and this weekend, its just not.
Will i always be so sad about it? Is it normal to be sad about it all?
I know im grieving the end of the relationship, and the future of it too. I dont know when i should be over it.

ChasingSquirrels Sun 07-Jun-09 12:52:35

Oh dear
Of course the end of a relationship is sad, and this is a formal ending even if the actual ending has already happened.

I split (his decision) 15 months ago and the first 9+ were crap. The last 3 have een much much improved.

I was chatting to a solicitor the other night who warned me that once formal proceedings are started it always gets a little more tense.

Give yourself time and look after yourself and your lo. You will get over it when you do, you can't force it.

hopefull09 Sun 07-Jun-09 15:19:48

Im in a similar position, my ex was an abusive turd so i know im well out of it, but also finding it very hard.I often feel rage thats its come to this, why he was like that, and like you, guilt for the children in that they had a right to a family.

Give yourself time, cry when you want to, its a trauma , even when we know weve made the right decision.For some reason ive woken up today feeling tearfull and upset, but tomorrow will be differant.

elastamum Sun 07-Jun-09 15:34:24

you are quite understandably grieving for the end of the relationship. i too kicked my ex out and am in the process of getting divorced. Mostly I feel heaps better but being asked to swear your divorce papers etc is a hard step to take. I have read a really good book recently called leaving him behind , cant remember the author but it is on amazon. It helped me see the need to positively move my life on and not get stuck in the ex wife rut. I also got a counsellor which really helped by giving me a safe place to offload my feelings and express my grief. We all have our bad days, my ex is now moving 100 miles away from the kids to move in with his new GF and her family. i feel terrible for my kids and what this will mean to them and this has upset me recently too. Each major step brings its own challenges but you will get through this

whereismumhiding Mon 08-Jun-09 19:25:54

Yes. Normal, it's a grieving process, can you read anything about the stages of grief as it will help you see what you are going through. It doesnt matter who ended it, it's still a loss of something you had before even if it needed to go.

It's not a waste of 10 years, that's written in the history books. You have a lovely DD out of it. It was good when it was good but something changed and he wasnt treating you the way a loving partner does. It sneaks up on you, people dont change over night so you probably were putting up with bad behaviour periodically that got increasingly worse until you reached breaking point.

Your DD will be happy if you are happy.
You are not depriving her of a good family life, as you werent getting one. You are sparing her from having a downtrodden mistreated mum who is lacking in confidence and putting up with behaviour that she shouldnt. Would you want your DD to model herself on that?

The whole divorce legal things a difficult thing to go through but take it a step at a time. You are taking control. It has to be done.

I agree with what chasing squirrel said.

whereismumhiding Mon 08-Jun-09 19:28:02

Good luck honey. It just shows that you are human that you are upset and tearful by starting this process. Hold onto that. You have feelings and you are allowed to have them, and if you let your tears out, gradually tiny bit by tiny bit it washes out all the pain with them.

xxxxx much love xxxxxxxx

picmaestress Mon 08-Jun-09 22:23:05

Aw, have a hug. Me too - I saw a divorce lawyer last week for the first time. It's shit, you can't get away from that, but you must try and balance it with some happy things.
I find happiness in just being able to be me at last, and knowing that the real misery is over, but everyone's different. Try and figure out what always makes you happy, and do more of it. I got through the worst times over the last few months by watching Green Wing and listening to Adam and Joe - just the funniness and laughing helped, and made/makes me realise there's another happier life out there for me.

My dad said to me 'when it gets really shit, and you can't bear it, you have to hold on to the thought that what you're doing is a positive step. You've made the choice to be happy. Remember that when it feels very bleak'.

Hope you feel better tomorrow.

wastedtime Tue 09-Jun-09 08:53:34

thanks everyone - it does really help.
Sereral people have said am i depressed and do i need to see a doctor.
I dont think im depressed at all. Mostly im ok.. its just i get the odd day or two every so often that just floors me. Im either so angry and frustrated, or upset or sad. I dont know. I think its just a process that i need to go through.
Its a divorce and its hard, and im not going to be over it in a matter of months.

messymissy Tue 09-Jun-09 09:13:41

Wastedtime - hold onto the fact that you are certain you made the right decision, it is only now a matter of time. You have done the hardest bit already.

Its ok to be sad, angry, frustrated etc etc with what you are going through - it does not make you depressed. Lots of people (usually very well meaning) are too quick to say oh you must be depressed, and this gets you worried and off to the docs for tablets. Depression is something very different.

You have said you are ok most of the time - that's great, hang on in there!

Swedes Tue 09-Jun-09 09:13:53

Wastedtime - It's a horrible business. But it is early days yet. I've been there and I remember a sort of depressing fog, like I had lost all trust and carefreeness and would forever be broken and brittle. I remember the v strong feeling that I had become a hard person after previously being a v soft person. And feeling that I was a failure. But it gets better and you do rediscover you old self.

Given time perhaps you and he will be able to have a cooperative and kind relationship if not out of respect for your history together, out of respect for your lovely daughter. I think it helps a lot if you can both resolve to treat each other with kindness and respect.

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