Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't know what to do, advise needed!!

(9 Posts)
MrsFlowers Sun 07-Jun-09 01:24:15

Apologies but this is a long one...

Last year, just before my ds's first birthday, I accidentally discovered my partner had had another child (a girl) who was born 3 weeks before our ds. I only found out as he received a letter which hadn't been sealed properly and, being nosy, i opened it (I don't usually do this!). It turned out to be from the CSA chasing payments and the childs details were on the letter. When I confronted him, he admited that he'd sleep with this woman twice but, as it was during a time when we'd split up, it didn't count as cheating. We'd actually only been apart for 4 days and, in my opinion, we hadn't offically split up, just didn't see/speak to each other for a few days. I eventually forgave him and things had been okay until last week when his sister called. She has met this woman and her daughter a couple of times and they both (as well as other members of my partners family) think it's time my ds met his sister. After speaking to my partner, he has also said he'd like them to meet.

If i'm honest, I really don't want them to meet eachother but i'm not sure if it's just for selfish reasons. Do you think it's in his best interest to meet her?

Any advise would be really appreciated.

wrinklytum Sun 07-Jun-09 01:26:56

Do what you feel is right for you and your dc.I see why this could be very hard for you xx

FenellaFudge Sun 07-Jun-09 01:28:27

Of course it's for selfish reasons! Haven't been in this situation so maybe your reaction is normal but absolutely if the other mother and your partner wnat this then it should happen.
I can see it might be hard for you but just as your son has a right to a father so does this girl.
I think you have to step back and let him get on with it.

MrsFlowers Sun 07-Jun-09 01:43:59

I don't mind my partner seeing his daughter, he sees her regularly and I know he has the same responsibilities to her as he does to our ds. The problem is introducing his daughter to our ds. Although it's not an issue at the moment as he's only 2, I can see the problems this will cause when he's older and understands the meaning of having a sister thats only 3 weeks older than him with a different mum.

The other issue (definately a selfish one) is that none of my family know anything about this and, if ds meets her, he'll start talking about it which means i'll have to explain it all to them and I know they'll turn against my partner.

FenellaFudge Sun 07-Jun-09 01:53:08

Aah - I've picked that up wrong then.
I see why it worries you.
My view is that they should grow up aware of each other, this girl shouldn't be kept as a dirty secret and if they are aware of each other early enought then there's no big shock looming. You cant keep them apart forever.
Having said that I don't see that there is any rush just yet if your'e not ready, if you were ok with it then the sooner the better but ask for some time to get your head round it, tell your family etc.

macdoodle Sun 07-Jun-09 08:02:12

I totally understand, my XH has another DD who is just 5 months older than my DD2 - it is very complicated, he had an affair we got back together, she was already pregnant etc...
We are no longer together so i guess it is slightly, but I do understand the feelings an emotions!
First of all tell your family, I didnt for a long time, I was ashamed, but it was so much better when they knew!
I think you need to let them meet, my Dd's now spend regular time with their half sib, along with their dad and the OW, luckily i have moved on, but it still hurts if I am honest!
The longer it is kept dirty and secret, the harder it is for you, and for your DS!
Good luck

HappyWoman Sun 07-Jun-09 08:11:43

yes please tell your family - you have made the decision to forgive him and move on and they need to as well, it may well be hard but you have nothing to ashamed of.

Are you in anyway worried that he has feelings for the other mum?
Could you not meet her too - she must have similar feelings to you - although if she accepts that it was a mistake of you dp then maybe you could get along with her. Is she the type to try and get between you or not?

poshsinglemum Sun 07-Jun-09 08:12:37

I know that this will be very difficult for you but I think that they should meet. He fathered her and he needs to take responsibility.
She is only a child and is innocent and she has a right to know her dad. You might even like her. I know you are probably angry with the other woman and you may her see her as a threat but try not to let her get to you. It's not his daughter's fault.

poshsinglemum Sun 07-Jun-09 08:13:47

Sorry I misread the post. I do think that your ds should meet his sister if that's what HE wants. It may even benefit him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now