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Have any of you had a partner who has lied so much

(15 Posts)
MoreSpamThanGlam Sun 07-Jun-09 01:05:10

especially about finances?

Ive just found out about my husbands debts, which are massive.

I thought we had got through the worst of it a year ago and we were just starting to work things out, but I just found out about so many lies. He owes so many people so much money...I mean thousands and thousands.

If I stay with him I have to deal with this and it drags me and the kids in to it.

I just dont know what to do.

I have told him its over, and theres no getting back together and my kids are heartbroken.

What the hell do I do?

hopefull09 Sun 07-Jun-09 01:17:31

Sorry to hear your going through this, ive had a similar experience .I was aware he had some financial problems and several times i thought we had it sorted, but it came back due to his love of credit cards and his unwillingness to stick to a budget , along with the capacity to lie very well.
I still dont know where all the money went , the debt i discovered was the tip of the iceberg.

Counselling could help if your dh has problems, but if your certain its over id say get legal advice asap.As your married its classed as joint debt ( very unfair ) and if you own your own home if check theres no loans against it that your not aware of.
Theres also the issue of why he needed this money and where it went.

DottyDot Sun 07-Jun-09 01:19:43

how long have you been together? I didn't tell my dp about my debts and I owed thousands and thousands.... I'll never forget the day when she found out - many years ago and before dp but we'd been together a while (years) and I'd not told her- through fear etc.

It's horrible and I'll always feel guilty about it - still do because I'm still paying my debts off which now affects our family income.

But maybe it's not a make or break - maybe you (both) can work it out? We did - I was v. strictly limited for a long time financially but we got through it.

Good luck and maybe if you still want to make things work with your dh you can work out a financial plan together.

MoreSpamThanGlam Sun 07-Jun-09 01:21:37

Its debt to friends...massive amounts of debt to friends. They all knew except me.

Our friend comitted suicide last year, he had severe financial problems. I went to his memorial this afternoon, to be told that my dh owed him £18k.

How the hell do I get out of this?

thumbwitch Sun 07-Jun-09 01:25:01

I was with a pathological liar for about 6 months - it was hell and in that time he borrowed money off me that I could ill afford to the tune of £6k. I got about 1/3 of it back over the next few years but I still think about the rest occasionally and get angry again.

What the hell you do is exactly what you have done - get out now. I think it is a form of addiction - someone should start a Spenders Anonymous group (if there isn't one already). I am for you that your family is going through this - the lies are just awful because then you have such a shock to deal with as well as the actuality of the debt.

SOLOisMeredithGrey Sun 07-Jun-09 02:05:50

I bailed out my exh before we were married to the tune of around £18k. Thought he had sorted himself out, got married then discovered another...£38k. We split up over it and I helped him by taking out a loan in my name to clear up the 8 credit cards and overdrafts he had...I never have got all the money back.
He lied about everything to do with finances. He hid the things he bought, then sold them on at a fraction of the cost.

My exp lied all the way through our 4 years and 1 Dd wasn't an issue, just him and what he was doing and lying about it all. angry

There are so many liars out there. I hope you get it sorted OP. It's a horrible situation to find yourself in.

HappyWoman Sun 07-Jun-09 08:06:00

I think only if he has real remorse for what he has done can it work in any way - otherwise if you help by even taking on your share of the debts (which legally being married you have), he will feel that once again he has got away with it.

However if friends are lending him money - they are to an extent 'allowing' him to as well. And actually they are not true friends at all are they.

He would need to make sure he told everyone not to lend him money. He needs to be open about this.

My BIL is a bit like this and it amazes me why people are still willing to lend/give him money. We try and warn people but they obviously think we are being unfair to my BIL, and give him money hmm. I tend to think more fool them sometimes as it nearly always ends up with them falling out.

MoreSpamThanGlam Sun 07-Jun-09 11:29:27

He has lost all of his friends, and never goes out socially. I think that is why he drinks secretly too. He told me it was to protect me.

Our company was longfirmed by another company that owed us over £100k and the liquidated and left us with huge amounts of debt. I left him and went bankrupt my selfand I live in temporary accomodation, and went back to college. Over the last few months we have been almost getting back together again properly but he would never show me his bank statements (everything for him goes to his parents where he was staying). But when he saw the kids he came and stayed over here.

He would help out a bit with money but said he was paying off debts to his family and therefore could not go bankrupt (he is avoiding paying all of the other bank debts/business debts).

Its just a nightmare...I am having this procedure at the hospital tomorrow and I just dont know what to do for the best...

What if something happens to me? God its a mess...sad

hopefull09 Sun 07-Jun-09 13:07:26

Spam if you are already bankrupt its unlikeley any of this will affect you.For me, it wasnt really about the debt but the lies, secrecy, that isnt what marriage is about.With all this secret debt he had it was clear he perceived his money to be his own and therefore didnt see me as a equal partner in the marriage.

He was always cagey about his bank statements, we neer had a joint account.

I aso wondered that if he could lie about thousands of pounds and put us at risk financially, what else could he lie about, a liars a liar and all that.Sadly for me there was lots of other things hed lied about too.
Hope all goes well at the hospital tomorrow.

CarGirl Sun 07-Jun-09 13:13:03

Sadly if he could owe £18k to a friend and lie about it I don't think he will ever stop/change.

Would you ever be able to trust a word that comes out of his mouth?

lostinthecitylover Sun 07-Jun-09 13:20:20

another one here. He stopped paying the mortgage due to increasing bank charges and just buried his head in the sand. I paid it (as well as v expensive childcare) for as long as I could then forced the sale of the house before it was repossessed.

Also persuaded me to take a large loan secured on the house (I didn't agree with it) which reduced the amount of equity left on it. We also ended up paying an enormous PPP premium on that loan even though it was paid back in full after one year (due to sale of house).

In fact it's brought it all back to me how awful that was. I am not brilliant with money but he seemed to be on self destruct and I couldn't put the dcs through that.

I'm still in financial straits but at least I am not having to deal jointly with him anymore.

He lied and buried his head in the sand.

But guess what, in space of three years he has since met a well heeled woman, they have had new dcs and he lives a life of relative luxury.

Whereas me and dcs are living modestly and for half the month really scrimping.

CarGirl Sun 07-Jun-09 13:27:52

lostinthecitylover - how long before they're bankrupt I wonder!

Unicornvomit Sun 07-Jun-09 13:38:30

a cycle of building up debt, lying, getting caught and paying it off and starting again is horrific.

if he can keep secret owing a friend £18 000,what else don;t you know?

i wuold find it really hard to move forward without him having debt counselling and relinquishing all financial control ... but even then, i would struggle

the children deserve stability and a father who is trust worthy

it is a tough situation, and i am sorry also it has come at a painful time

lostinthecitylover Sun 07-Jun-09 16:12:14

cargirl - he's got an IVA atm but I think she's too shrewd (hopefully) to let him drag her down.

He will have no access to credit/overdraft anymore which is one of the major factors for people going into debt I do believe.

Although I try not to be bitter it does get to me that he is living that lifestyle now and it's all brushed under the carpet.

The warning signs were there at the beginning of our relationship (years ago) and I did chose to ignore them and not take control of our finances. So I do feel partially to blame.

FabulousBakerGirl Sun 07-Jun-09 16:14:38

I feel sorry for you and the children and the family of the man who has died. If that doesn't make your partner see he has to sort this then I think nothing will and you are within your rights to kick him out.

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