I am really struggling - sorry this is long. My DH has been exemplary in helping me in physical ways (getting up at night etc) but he has been working hard and doing long hours whch has meant that he often (three nights a week usually) sleeps in a different bed and doesnt do nights. I am exhausted. Our baby (6 mo) is not a good sleeper and I am often up three times a night or more. She wont take a bottle readily (only tiny volumes) so I havent been away from her for more than 8 hours since she ws born (that only on a couple of occassions). I confess I am struggling, but I cant believe how nasty my DH can be when we argue (which is frequently at the moment). He fits every single definition I can find of an emotional abuser. He berates and belittles me and his rants (in which he talks or shouts at me as if I were a child) can go on and on and he wilfully pushes every button he can find to get me to react. Of course if I do, its open season and fireworks really begin. When I try to talk to him though, he turns the mirror on me and says that I am doing these things. It really frustrates me and makes me feel like I am going genuinely insane. Occasionally I have self harmed (head hitting) during these rows and often end up in tears. He says this is a form of emotional blackmail and abuse against him. He often denies flatly what he has done. But he is so manipulative and clever that I end up doubting myself. I hesitated to write this as I know lots of people will say "just leave" but I don't want that. I think its entirely possible that I am like he says (selfish and self-centred). I feel like if we were in court being cross examined I would or could be found wanting in all the ways he says I am. I am rubbish at housework and I struggle with my time keeping. I probably dont give him the support he gives me. When he throws questions at me like "when did you last do something for me" i cant think clearly. i try to keep good house and look after the baby but i seem to annoy him no matter what. recently i came back from staying with family for six days. although it was a holiday it did mean i was with the baby every night myself and i am just exhausted. when she woke two nights ago (first night back) and i couldhear her in the monitor and through the door i said i couldnt take it and went dowbstairs, he accused me of throwing a tantrum and i told him to piss off. i concede i got angry but it wasnt aimed at him, but he takes it that way. then last night when the baby wouldnt go down i said an exasperated "ffs" which he heard on the monitor and now he excuses me of swearing at her and saying I had lost my temper within minutes. I am just so tired. He had six nights off while I was away but when I point this out he just says it was my choice to stay away that long. I just cant win. Is there any way to make him listen to me? I don't want to split up but he essentially says we can only stay together if I become a better person. Surely there must be a way of making men on their high horses like this just talk normally, instead of as if they were trying to win a playground argument?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
do men not understand how hard it is or am i not cut out to be a mum?
namechangersad · 05/06/2009 17:53
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