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(18 Posts)
tiredofitall Fri 05-Jun-09 08:59:57

dd has been off nursery for over a week and on her last day the childminder took her news letter and I never got a copy. As a result, I only found out about 5pm yest that it was her parents night.

Phoned dh and he told me he had arranged to meet some mates after work for drinks, assumed he would change plans so phoned him back 10 minutes later to be given mouthful of abuse for expecting him to change plans - these plans had only been made half an hour earlier than my phone call and include mates who would not give a * if he never met up with them. I was absolutely furious. He went out for drinks and came in last night on the last train absolutely blazing.

I texted him to let him know in no uncertain terms how much this showed his judgement to be way off to be chosing drink over his daughter.

Anyway, it was a lovely night, great little nursery and really great chance to see what dd gets up to when she's not with us. As ususal he really missed out. I went to my bed early so I wouldn't be inclined to argue with him but when he came in he was so blazing that he woke me up with his ridiculously loud snoring. I tried to shut him up several times but after the 3rd time he woke me up I told him to go to another bed, he made a big deal about it and I was then furious all over again. He brought my dd through to my bed and went through to hers.

My rage was up so I went through and told him I was finished with him and that I had told my parents and they agreed there was something wrong with him. When I got back into bed he came through shouting and bawling throwing the lamp and alarm clock off my side table about how he was going to phone my parents as I'd been plotting with them. He then stormed around the house shouting and balling for about 15 minutes. My daughter was lying in bed with me while he was doing all of this.

Luckily - I honestly don't know how - my kids didn't wake up.

I have told him this morning the marriage is over - is this an over reaction - am I being melodramatic.

JackBauer Fri 05-Jun-09 09:07:46

I didn't want this to go unanswereed, it sounds awful.
Does he lose his temper like this a lot? Or has he before? No possibility his drink had affected him strangely/been spiked (I know, but coverin all bases..)

It sounds like there are other causes as well as this, I think one booze up night is one thing, but to be shouting and throwing things is another, and if he has done other things/has a history of this then that is completely different.

Any chance of suggesting couples counselling if you feel like you want to make it work? Otherwise I think you need to catch him sobered up (ie not hungover) and talk about this properly.
A big, very unMNly (((hug))) though

titchy Fri 05-Jun-09 09:47:31

Agree with JB. If you woke him up while he was roaring drunk then making a fuss about moving beds is to be expected tbh. Throwing stuff about though can;t be blamed on drink however. Is this normal? What is he usually like with you? what's his temper like? What's yours like? tbh it sounds as if you are looking for an excuse to leave and this is it.

I have to say I disagree with you making such a big fuss over nursery parents evening though. When your childs 10 she won;t even remember nursery. Whether he did or didn't go to a parents evening (and whether you did or didn't) is really not going to have any bearing on her life whatsoever. Saying he chose drink over his daughter is rather melodramatic to say the least. If he chose to go out binging when your child was in hospital fair enough, but it's only a bloody nursery evening! Get it into perspective!

Tortington Fri 05-Jun-09 09:56:37

i think you goaded a pissed up man - if he isn't like this usually - then you are being ott imo.

i firmly believe that being pissed isn't an excuse for shit behaviour - but he was snoring ( cos he is pissed) you woke him up ( a pissed up fella) told hi to move - he was irate about it - understandably, pissed up or not i wouldn't like to be woken up and told to move beds. then you go and have it out with a pissed up fella who had been woken up, changed beds and still can't get some sleep.

leave him if you want - but don't think you didn't have a part to play.

GypsyMoth Fri 05-Jun-09 10:08:05

Is he always inconsiserate to the DC?

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 05-Jun-09 10:08:11

Message withdrawn

messymissy Fri 05-Jun-09 10:10:14

Sounds like there are deeper issues here and this was incident touched your already sore nerves.

Does sound like you could have foreseen his reaction and its never a good idea to do anything that might antagonize someone who has may be volatile due to drinking.

In my experience, its usually the mum who goes along to these things on their own in anycase and it was his loss as you had a nice evening.

And if your rage was up - your dd saw and heard both her parents in a rage. Can not have been nice for her - don't want to sound preachy - lost my temper with dp lots of times too, but now never never do in front of dd - its bloody hard not to though!.

tiredofitall Fri 05-Jun-09 10:48:01

I accept I goaded him and I shouldn't have done that. I didn't lose it with him, I tried to calm him down so my dd did not see me lose the plot.

Interestingly, there were around 2 other only mums - everyone else had both parents - must have different expectations there. Its our first child, there should be an interest and her interest should certainly come before the pub with mates who he sees regularly enough.

The plans had only just been made so again could easily have been unmade.

One of the friends in particular I do not like and there is a bad history of my dh putting this friend above me and my family at very crucial points. This particular friend played a huge part in us nearly splitting up last year.

I know that the parents evening of a nursery night is not a biggy but neither is going to the pub to get pissed. And out of the two, I'd say the parents night is the biggest biggy.

We have been very close to splitting up in the past but we have been one of the good stories in that we had totally turned things around. Things have been great for the last 6 months.

A bucket load of stress have been poured on us by his family over the last 2 weeks and things seems to have reverted to how they were when we were teetering on the brink. I just cannot go back to living like that again, constant fighting and arguing and feeling like you hate each other.

Thanks for everyone's input.

ginnny Fri 05-Jun-09 10:54:05

I think it depends if this is a one off or if he regularly stays in the pub with his mates instead of doing family stuff. If he has got a drink problem, then you are quite justified to be pissed off but otherwise
I think you probably overreacted a bit. Also to say your parents agree was a bit off - its nothing to do with them, just made him feel ganged up on.
It sounds like this has been brewing up for a while and is about more than the one night.
Try and sit down and have a talk to him when he sobers up.

titchy Fri 05-Jun-09 11:24:18

Actually - and this will sound flippant but it is true - given the choice between a night out and a nursery parents evening I would go for the night out. As long as dh was there I really wouldn't see any need for me to go as well.

But you obviously have other issues you need to sort out.

helsbels4 Fri 05-Jun-09 11:37:41

It seems to me that there are lots of other issues here aside from the drunken episode. I think you both need to calm down and then talk to each other about the pressures and stress from his parents (whatever that may be) and your issue with him effectively putting a night out with his mates above an evening to support his daughter.

For what it's worth, I can't understand the posters who say it isn't a big deal to go to the nursery evening. No, she won't remember it or care that her dad wasn't there but I would be questioning his commitment if he can't see that a nursery meeting is more important than a boozy evening with his mates (that he knows you have issues with anyway).

He can presumably go drinking any other night of the working week with his mates but he can't go to an organised evening whenever he fancies. I would have been furious too.

I wouldn't have said to him that you's spoken to your parents and that you all think there is something wrong with him! How would you feel if he said that to you? I would've flipped to be sure!

Talk about it calmly before you go making life-changing decisions smile

angel1976 Fri 05-Jun-09 12:16:26

tiredofitall - Sorry to hear about your fight with DH. I agree with the other posters that there seemed to be a lot of resentment between the two of you. There are so many rights and wrongs in the situation you have described.

I don't think it's right you expect him to change plans just like that. I don't think you can make assumptions that your partner will cancel his plans at short notice even if you don't think they are important. Even from the replies you have already had, there are some people who think it's okay to miss parents' evening and some who don't. DS has a nursery review next week with his keyworker, I'm going as it's my day off. DH will be at work and will make it if he can but I'm not bothered about him coming or not as I will pass on the news to him anyway. It is a big deal to us it's a review of how's he doing so far but I don't see why we both need to be there if one of us can pass the news on...

I will be furious too if DH said something along the line of he's spoken to his parents and they all agree there is something wrong with me! If he is discussing my behaviour with his parents and what's wrong with it, I can say pretty much that would be the death knell for the relationship for me.

I do think you need to talk to him seriously about your and his expectations when it comes to parenting and iron things out a bit. DH has gone on weekends away since DS has been born and I have no problem with that. I haven't but that's because I'm useless and can't bear to leave DS without his mummy. blush To be fair to DH, he always misses us when he is back and has always said that when I do want a day/night out with my friends, he will be quite happy to look after DS. Not saying we don't fight cos we do and I also recognise that DH and I do have different ideas about parenting, the key is to recognise that and make sure you understand each other fully! Good luck.

kittywise Fri 05-Jun-09 12:19:41

I would not expect dp to go to a nursery evening, it is not important full stop. Parent's evening at school perhaps, but a nursery evening? No wayhmm

You did goad him and you are very much to blame for what has happened.

However, you must have issues with him that need to be sorted.
I would be livid if I'd made arrangements to go out with my friends and my other half tried to force me to cancel my plans and was trying to lay on a guilt trip on top too.

Have you actually tried to step out of your shoes and into his? I can see you are upset but I suggest you stop thinking of yourself and your own needs. Your dp has needs too and I'm not suprised he was furious with you.

angel1976 Fri 05-Jun-09 12:23:43

I wanted to say that though I seem to have said you did lots of things wrong, I forgot to say that no matter what, he shouldn't have thrown stuff! That would scare the hell out of me if my DH did that...

tiredofitall Fri 05-Jun-09 12:57:30

I have absolutely no issues with him going out on any night which works with our work commitments. He was out with very same friends on a weekend bender not last weekend but the one before. I made this very easy for him to recover from by taking kids and letting him sleep and recover for a day after the 2 day bender. We all need our release.

I would not expect him to cancel work commitments or a organised night out for a nursery parents evening - I am a very reasonable that way.

But, it was not an organised night out in any sense - he got a text half an hour earlier asking if he wanted a pint after work - from his 2 best mates who he sees regularly.

Everyone has their own standards I suppose, but a night on the piss is not an important event - it is simply another night on the piss. He certainly won't get another chance to go to that particular parents evening and hear the lovely things that everyone was saying about our little girl or go home and tell her how proud he was and make her feel important.

I accept that I goaded him when he was pissed and I shouldn't have said that, it was out of order.

If I had been working and my long standing best mate had texted me half an hour earlier to ask if I wanted to meet up for a pint and then my dh phoned to say it was dd's parent's evening it would have been easy to cancel pre-arranged pint.

I have no issues with pints out with the boys and his time with his mates - I actively encourage it as I think it makes him more relaxed at home in general if he has at least regular nights with the guys.

I am surprised in general that people put getting pissed before parents evenings but then everyone has different expectations.

I know I need to sort things out with him, but he is now in a box, a box in which he crawled into a couple of weeks ago and Im lucky if he'll come out for another few weeks now.

Oh well, life is just shit sometimes isn't it.

Thanks again - I really appreciate everyones comments.

kittywise Fri 05-Jun-09 13:36:58

Yes life can be difficult, but honestly a nursery parent's evening isn't much. Why couldn't you just report back to him. Him going for a drink instead of to a nursery is hardly a crime and it was booked in first.
So you would have done it differently and cancelled? Well that's fine for you, but he is not you is he?

You are expecting him to have the same priorities as you? he is a separate human being.

You really need to work out why you are picking these battles you know.

messymissy Fri 05-Jun-09 16:08:13

I guess what i meant to say was that it was better for you to go alone and enjoy the nursery parents evening than have your dh with you being a reluctant participant as he would rather be out with his friends.

It probably did not feel very nice when you saw that there were only a few other alone mums there, maybe it made you feel lonely and not supported.

Personally I think it would be great if all dads saw this type of thing as a joy not to be missed but the reality is some just dont get it.

Sounds like his drinking is a real issue. Dont want to sound intrusive, but is that why you nearly split before?

Hope your current crisis is short lived and you can get back on track.

angel1976 Fri 05-Jun-09 21:13:12

tiredofitall - Just wanted to send you hugs, you sound so down about it all. I don't think we should ever underestimate how different parenthood feels to different people. My DH and I argued before we became parents, but not like the way we do sometimes now since DS came along!

In some ways, DH thinks life should go on as it did before, DS should fit around us. While I think we chose to have him and while he is so little and needs us, we should prioritise him and his needs above ours. We do end up compromising a lot but I have to admit that in some ways, DH has made me more relaxed about parenthood while having DS has made him less selfish.

You told your DH about the parents' evening, if he doesn't want to go, you need to let it go, it's not worth it at the end of the day... If you have issues with his drinking, that needs to be discussed separately. I do feel for you, there are times when I feel like a single parent and really resent that but much more often than that, I do feel that my DH is a lovely hubby and father. Best of luck.

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