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His demands are pushing me away.....Resentment building....

(19 Posts)
SilenceIsChocolate Thu 04-Jun-09 17:48:42

Hello everyone -apologies if this turns out to be a long one - feeling quite isolated this week - had a few rather unhealthy discussions with my DP regarding how unloved 'he' feels and he has felt like this for 3 years (since dd was born) How I am a 'horrible person' and when I met him I was not like this) He recently went away for a 10 day trip with his male friends and half way through the trip he sent me a text saying how he did not feel that I was missing him (because I was not sending him constants texts - I don't normally text all the time and I did say as money was tight I was not prepared to have lengthy sexy text exchanges with him) - it smacks of some sort of teenage neediness but I am trying to see it from his perspective but I could so easily tell him to leave me alone. I do love him but I resent that after the time we have spent together he has made no more commitment to us as a family (I would like to get married yet now he says he doesn't believe in it) He has a high sex drive and he uses how often he has sex with me to how loved he feels - If we have a really passionate night together he will want to carry on in the morning when it is impractical to and he will sulk if he goes without. Or worst still start his 'you do not seem to love me or fancy me' He accused me of having an affair when our dd was 3 months old (He was away and I send him a pic that I had got a stranger to take of dd and I) About a year ago he suggested we had an open relationship (at this point I was having trouble with the coil and sex was v v painful so we didn't do it that often) I am wondering if he has a sex addiction. The more he pushes for it the more I shy away and resent him and find it letcherous too. He used to be heavily into porn and was always on about group sex. He has NO idea how totally knackered I am and he really is not the most hands on dad and he can wind our DD up to the point where it ends in tears. He shouted at her last night as she got out of bed telling her how she was monopolysisng (sp?) our adult time...she is nearly 3 ffs!!! He is seemingly so totally obsessed with himself, sex and whether I fancy him still. I find his behavior deeply unattractive. I am the longest relationship he has ever had (has never gone further than a year before) Most of his friends are single men in relationships or marriages where they have decided not to have kids. He has not really changed his ways for our dd. I guess I am guilty of over compensating for his lack of attention and am very protective of dd's emotional wellbeing. We just do not go out anymore really together and when we have sex I feel pressured into it as all his immaturity has turned me off. i got a text today saying "what are the chances of you and i getting out tonight or tomorrow on our own for a bit of us time. i need to feel there is more2our relationship than just dd" I do not really want to go out but will do - what about what I need? I suffered from PND and he did not care one bit during that time - most weekends he was away. he is just totally detached from everything unless I am happy to drop my knickers every 5 minutes....it's exhausting and really depressing.....We have a lovely dd and we are v lucky he is very self indulgent and we really should have no worries but this is becoming a problem. I feel he is blaming our dd for my lack of drive - the more he does that the more I dislike the way he is being. He remembers when he was a child and how his parents behaved probably when he was 6 or 7+ not 2-3. Our dd is hard work, she is one of those highly sensitive children and she is very bright but a real treasure to be around. He always wants to get her out of the way so he can satisfy his carnal urge....it just doesn't feel normal - is there anyone out there who can identify with how I am feeling. All my married friends with kids have very caring fathers and seem to understand that at this stage it can be hard work....I would love to ty for another baby (clearly if we could sort ourselves out) but he told me that having another baby would definitely split us us as he was not going to go through another 3 years of baby rearing.....I'm not sure now I would still be with him if it were not for our dd.....

3littlefrogs Thu 04-Jun-09 17:55:06

Sorry - but he sounds awful. Do you really feel it is better for your dd if you stay with him? Do you think he is a good father? Does he understand and prioritise her needs above his own?

Could you go to Relate on your own? It might help you to work through some of this and decide how you feel and what you want for you and your dd in the future.

rubyslippers Thu 04-Jun-09 17:56:17

Hello everyone -apologies if this turns out to be a long one - feeling quite isolated this week - had a few rather unhealthy discussions with my DP regarding how unloved 'he' feels and he has felt like this for 3 years (since dd was born)

How I am a 'horrible person' and when I met him I was not like this)

He recently went away for a 10 day trip with his male friends and half way through the trip he sent me a text saying how he did not feel that I was missing him (because I was not sending him constants texts

- I don't normally text all the time and I did say as money was tight I was not prepared to have lengthy sexy text exchanges with him) - it smacks of some sort of teenage neediness but I am trying to see it from his perspective but I could so easily tell him to leave me alone.

I do love him but I resent that after the time we have spent together he has made no more commitment to us as a family (I would like to get married yet now he says he doesn't believe in it)

He has a high sex drive and he uses how often he has sex with me to how loved he feels - If we have a really passionate night together he will want to carry on in the morning when it is impractical to and he will sulk if he goes without.

Or worst still start his 'you do not seem to love me or fancy me' He accused me of having an affair when our dd was 3 months old (He was away and I send him a pic that I had got a stranger to take of dd and I)

About a year ago he suggested we had an open relationship (at this point I was having trouble with the coil and sex was v v painful so we didn't do it that often)

I am wondering if he has a sex addiction. The more he pushes for it the more I shy away and resent him and find it letcherous too. He used to be heavily into porn and was always on about group sex.

He has NO idea how totally knackered I am and he really is not the most hands on dad and he can wind our DD up to the point where it ends in tears.

He shouted at her last night as she got out of bed telling her how she was monopolysisng (sp?) our adult time...she is nearly 3 ffs!!! He is seemingly so totally obsessed with himself, sex and whether I fancy him still.

I find his behavior deeply unattractive. I am the longest relationship he has ever had (has never gone further than a year before) Most of his friends are single men in relationships or marriages where they have decided not to have kids.

He has not really changed his ways for our dd. I guess I am guilty of over compensating for his lack of attention and am very protective of dd's emotional wellbeing.

We just do not go out anymore really together and when we have sex I feel pressured into it as all his immaturity has turned me off.

i got a text today saying "what are the chances of you and i getting out tonight or tomorrow on our own for a bit of us time. i need to feel there is more2our relationship than just dd"

I do not really want to go out but will do - what about what I need? I suffered from PND and he did not care one bit during that time - most weekends he was away.

he is just totally detached from everything unless I am happy to drop my knickers every 5 minutes....it's exhausting and really depressing.....

We have a lovely dd and we are v lucky he is very self indulgent and we really should have no worries but this is becoming a problem.

I feel he is blaming our dd for my lack of drive - the more he does that the more I dislike the way he is being. He remembers when he was a child and how his parents behaved probably when he was 6 or 7+ not 2-3.

Our dd is hard work, she is one of those highly sensitive children and she is very bright but a real treasure to be around. He always wants to get her out of the way so he can satisfy his carnal urge....it just doesn't feel normal - is there anyone out there who can identify with how I am feeling.

All my married friends with kids have very caring fathers and seem to understand that at this stage it can be hard work....I would love to ty for another baby (clearly if we could sort ourselves out) but he told me that having another baby would definitely split us us as he was not going to go through another 3 years of baby rearing.....I'm not sure now I would still be with him if it were not for our dd.....

SORRY - but your OP was unreadable without paragraphs

rubyslippers Thu 04-Jun-09 17:56:53

i agree that you need RELATE ASAP having skimmed the thread

rubyslippers Thu 04-Jun-09 17:57:33

i agree that you need RELATE ASAP having skimmed the thread

rubyslippers Thu 04-Jun-09 17:57:33

i agree that you need RELATE ASAP having skimmed the thread

gettingagrip Thu 04-Jun-09 18:40:07

Have a look atthisand see if it rings any bells for you

xx

Eve34 Thu 04-Jun-09 18:43:00

I am in a similar situation. DP feels unloved and I kept pushing him away. We didn't have sex like we used too - no kidding I have a narly 3 year old 2 jobs a DP who does nothing around the house and sods off doing his own thing at every opportunity.
I resented him not giving us time as a family, he cam forst, always complaing he never has sex....
It has come to a head recently and he has moved out, I am crushed, we are both a fault. I was guilty of physically and emotionally pushing him to one side, and always putting DS first (something I wouldn't change but need to compromise)
Think long and hard about how you react to him, talk and talk and talk some more, explain to him how you are feeling, make time for him and see if you can work on this together.

mrsboogie Thu 04-Jun-09 19:16:22

Oh Lord God, he sounds awful! There is a massive list there of things he does wrong but -I would have left him for just this "I suffered from PND and he did not care one bit during that time - most weekends he was away"

Seriously, that alone would have killed the relationship stone dead for me.

The man sounds almost insanely selfish. What's he doing on a ten day trip with his male friends? how many of these does he take? he wouldn't be doing that either unless I was allowed the same freedom.

He treats you as a sex slave and your child as an inconvenience. I'm afraid my faith in Relate wouldn't extend this far.

He needs the biggest kick up the arse imaginable.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Jun-09 19:28:09

he sounds like he has no redeemable qualities at all

sack him

you are effectively a single parent anyway, who is being used like a blow-up sex toy

tell him to fuck off and find another willing victim

BitOfFun Thu 04-Jun-09 19:33:23

I don't usually say this straight off- but wtf are you doing with this idiot? You don't want the same things out of life- so why the hell put up with being a receptacle?

I hope you find seem clarity and get some good advice here, you and your daughter deserve so much more.

hopefull09 Thu 04-Jun-09 19:36:20

Sounds like theres been good reason hes not lasted long with anyone else. Hes needy, sulky, whines about sex, suggests an open relationship and shouts at your little one and teases her until she crys..
All very unpleasant and manipulative.
My ex was like this, constant teenagery comments about sex, and sulking if i wouldnt, comstantly complaining about how i dont love him blah blah.

Assuming youve told him you dont like the benny hill impressions, why is he still doing it? Is nothing to do with sex , its about dominating you and his ridiculous expectation that you should meet his needs regardless of how you feel.
Have a look at the signs of an emotionally abusive man , i dont think any of what you are experiencing is normal,,normal men dont constantly harass you for sex, yell at small children or bleat about their own needs all the time.
The harassing for sex is disgusting and disturbing and degrading , and reflects their mentality.I kicked my exes fat arse out and have never looked back
He sounds like a bully and a manipulative turd,,,check out the emotional abuse thread.

SilenceIsChocolate Fri 05-Jun-09 11:43:18

Gettingagrip: your link was enlightening.."if the narcissist cannot obtain adoration, admiration, approval, applause, or any other kind of attention by other means (e.g., intellectually) – he resorts to sex."

Eve34 - Your words ring very true indeed. thank u for sharing.

I suggested we went to RELATE or some sort of counselling; he was nearly in tears this morning. I can see that he is trying to bully me (he was bullied by his older brother and comes from highly competitive family, mother died 5 yrs ago - lots of baggage).

I had the comment made to me last night 'oh there are plenty of women who would love their pussy licked every night' - I'm sure there are, but when they realise he is so immature and self centered and it is about his own gratification rather than true intimacy he will get the boot!

I am aware there are two sides to this which is why I have given it time and because we have a child together. But these power struggles are just crap.

mrsboogie Fri 05-Jun-09 11:47:34

He needs help to deal with his massive issues. if he wants to save the relationship he will get it.

SilenceIsChocolate Fri 05-Jun-09 16:32:57

Oh MrsBoogie I do agree - just had a horrid trip into town with him....He asked if 'his girls' wanted to go on a little trip out (had I known it was to sit in the car @B&Q, go to the dump, get trainers for tomorrow's cricket match I would have had second thoughts!) It went horribly wrong.....

Basically he came to pick us up at 1pm. I was sitting having lunch with DD, as we always do at 12.30 he knows this. His first comment was we were not ready.

With a smile I said he could get car seat out of my car etc and put the potty in the car which was in footwell of my car...I have been potty training DD. She is pretty much there but will only do wee out and about in a potty.

We get in car ( I should have checked before we left) but realised he had forgotten potty, did not make big deal out of it but I was annoyed.

However, in one of the shops DD was fractious, hiding in and out of the clothes rails and he sternly told her to stop it.

I realised it was because she was doing a wee and not wanting to tell us (she was in pull ups thankfully) but I felt bad for her as she has been doing SO well - I did say to DP that it was a shame as it had been going really well and I wish he could have remembered it. Whereby he walked off in a huff and in the car sulked.

I said in the car that I refused to walk on egg shells as he is being oversensitive whenever I say something - which in turn got him speaking angrily in one of those sort of teenage high pitched voices.

This is so pathetic I wish this was a joke.........

BitOfFun Fri 05-Jun-09 16:42:55

He sounds so immature and self-centred- I don't know how you've stood it this long sad

sunfleurs Fri 05-Jun-09 17:16:05

God how old is this man, 16? What an absolute tool he sounds. I felt exhausted just reading your posts. You really need to get rid of this idiot. Your post of 11.43 just astounded me. He clearly has no concept that relationships move on beyond the shagging every second of every day phase after about 3 months, which is rather scary. He seems to have the emotional maturity of a springer spaniel.

My ex "confessed" to me that he had had 50+ sexual encounters while married to me because WE had stopped having sex after we had ds. All the intimacy had gone apparently, he never expected this and had to look for it elsewhere. We had tiny new baby, I had PND for 7 months, no family nearby, he worked long hours and when he wasn't working he was out on the lash. Funnily enough I wasn't really up for it.

You have been together a few years now and he doesn't seem to be maturing does he? It seems doubtful that he ever will tbh.

AnyFucker Fri 05-Jun-09 17:26:26

Personally, I would hate to have my pussy licked every night

Would get a bit repetitive, non?

sunfleurs Fri 05-Jun-09 18:23:53

Perhaps we should conduct a poll amongst our RL friends to find out if the woman gagging for her pussy to be licked on a daily basis actually exists. I remain unconvinced.

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