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What do you consider interfering?

(22 Posts)
EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 14:56:58

My sister-in-law thinks that my mother and I who live over 3 hours from them and sees them only on birthdays and other occasions are interferring in their relationship and has walked out on my brother and asked him to choose between her or his family. We have only visited their house twice in two years because she makes us feel unwelcome.

My brother is talking about divorce and I feel sick about it.

She has told him that she will put down my mum and I as interferring in her divorce petition.

Tamarto Thu 04-Jun-09 14:58:39

Why does she think you and your mother are interfering?

BurningBright Thu 04-Jun-09 15:00:39

In what way does she say you have interfered? And with what?

EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 15:00:51

I have absolutely no idea - we hardly see her. My brother tries to visit my parents once a month but normally it's just for birthdays and other occasions.

Tamarto Thu 04-Jun-09 15:02:14

Seeing her has no relevance on whether either of you interfere though.

EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 15:02:56

My brother hasn't been clear on how we are supposed to have been interferring and she hasn't told us directly this is what my brother has told us.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 04-Jun-09 15:05:22

If yo udon't see him, do you phone him constantly? Do you or your mum speak disparagingly of his wife to him ie complain that she makes you unwelcome, or that she's a slut, or not good enough for him?

Basically, she may be using you and your mother as an excuse to end the relationship - but you may have been meddling or at least overriding her feelings or trying to change her into something she is not.

EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 15:06:32

In a previous post I mentioned an email that she sent me and which upset me but I did not respond to.

My brother however asked her to show him the email and they argued over the content of the email and she asked him to choose between her or the family.

Lemonylemon Thu 04-Jun-09 15:06:54

Isn't this the sister-in-law you had to walk on eggshells around? Sounds like your brother might be better off without her tbh...

slightlyonedgemum Thu 04-Jun-09 15:07:40

I'd echo solidgoldbrass. If you call him a lot or demand he puts you first, then I'd probably feel that's interfering. If not, I'd say she's finding an excuse. I don't think that's a 'reasonable' arguement for divorce though and I wonder if the courts would agree?

slightlyonedgemum Thu 04-Jun-09 15:08:23

Just saw the thing about an email. What did it say?

EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 15:09:43

SGB - no we don't phone him constantly - if anything he phones us both once a week. No mum and I don't speak about her at all and we certainly wouldn't say anything to him about her as we know how much he loves her.

My mum is so grateful he got married she is just waiting for grandchildren.

cherryblossoms Thu 04-Jun-09 15:13:23

What do you think? Is she just massively, massively insecure? Or do you think you interfere? Do you think that your brother values you/your opinions rather than hers? Or is she just (on occasions) wrong/not good at handling any opinion at variance with her own?

Sounds complicated.

Sounds like they need counselling.

Obviously, we on here don't know your situation and so can't give an impartial opnion. SGB is correct in that distance means very little. It is possible to intrfere over a distance.

I suppose the big issue is how real you feel the claim is and how you and your family (mother and brother) intend to act as a consequence of it.

EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 15:14:10

Lemonylemon - yes same girl.

EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 15:20:16

CB - I think going on what I know about her background that her parents are divorced but lived in the same house for 5 years beating the marriage to death and arguing over assets and custody has permanently left it's mark on her.

She is very insecure.

I finally asked my brother how bad his marriage truly was and he said because she is so insecure about everything he only comes and visits mum once a month if that as they normally wind-up arguing on the way home and for several days afterwards. She has a very bad relationship with her parents as well she didn’t speak to her parents for almost 4 months after they all went to India after Christmas. He said they have also argued over having a baby because he doesn’t want to bring a baby into their marriage as they are always arguing.

slightlyonedgemum Thu 04-Jun-09 15:25:42

Poor bloke. And poor woman for having all those issues. They really should have sorted that before they got married though!

Has he suggested going to relate? A friend of mine did that with his wife who struggled with things like that (because of her family situation) and she ended up getting counselling on her own as well as together. Really helped but only because she wanted it to.

toomanystuffedbears Thu 04-Jun-09 15:27:55

First, and thankfully, I don't know anything about divorce law or "interference" qualifications.

She apparently has a unique perspective (very uniquehmmie baggage form her past?) and something happened to set this off in her.


One possible way to look at this could be that she is abusing your brother. This is a control power play -quite the ultimatum. I am guessing, of course: She is grabbing at straws for grounds all the while presuming your brother won't go through with it to not drag you & your mom into it.

Your brother, in considering divorce from her, may validate this perspective. If so, he would be smart to get out now.

AccioPinotGrigio Thu 04-Jun-09 15:35:50

I remember your other post too. Only having heard your side of the story I would say that she sounds dangerously insecure and at risk of sabotaging her chance for a happy marriage. Could your brother persuade her to go to Relate, that would seem a sensible course of action because from what you have said about her I don't think she is capable of rationalising or discussing her feelings without some professional help.

To be honest, you and your mum would do well to stay out of this. Offer your brother a shoulder to cry on or an ear to bend, unconditional love whatever happens etc but don't give your opinion or get into it with his wife, no good would come of that exchange because she just wouldn't listen to you. Also, if your brother really does love her and want to be with her then you should be supporting his choice even though you think it might be wrong.

slushy06 Thu 04-Jun-09 15:37:14

I think she has alot of problems because she has disconnected from her own parents to. This would make me think that she is afraid to trust anyone but your brother and wants them to live in their own little bubble. I think she should have sorted these problems out before getting married. I feel for both of them but I don't think your brother should stay with her unless she is doing something to rectify her problems. I also think your brother is quite right no place for kids.

EastvWest Thu 04-Jun-09 16:02:51

I have just had an email from my brother and he said that one of the issues that she has with me was when my husband and I got married my brother (who was single then) gave us a £2k as a wedding present. When they got married the present we gave them was as substantial.

warthog Thu 04-Jun-09 18:31:47

what's that got to do with her???

toomanystuffedbears Thu 04-Jun-09 22:25:58

Parity in the gifts? Why is that a problem?

It sounds like she has a lot of anger. She seems very sensitive, does she hate people in general (your db being an exception)?

She may be operating from a preconcieved notion that "all inlaws are pita" without really giving you a fair chance. On her guard to look for insults in any contact. Reaching for an insult when your db removes his attention from her (for however brief amount of time) for his family of origin. It is not as though you are "another woman" iykwim.

Perhaps she is looking for any possible threat to her marriage, based on her exposure to marriages.

It sounds like what she really needs is a friend. But it would be next to impossible to be a friend to someone like this. For one, she probably wouldn't know how to be a friend back. sad sad

I sure hope she will get some councelling. But you know that the suggestion will just put her on the defensive even more.

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