Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I better to protect my heart and have no more contact with this man????

(15 Posts)
cheekysealion Thu 04-Jun-09 06:43:19

Late last year I got back in touch with someone i was with at school (we werent together but probably should have been the chemistry was unbelievable but we were just very close friends!!) we lost touch when i met dd's dad.... we both have always held a little torch for each other, he still has cards i sent him 15 years ago!!!

Anyway when we got back in touch we were both single i had been single for 4 years shock

Intimate things happened between us. then in march he gets scared and tells me he loves spending time with me and he has feelings for me but he doesnt want a serious relationship.. And becasue of the major chemistry between us we both need to be mature and not let intimate things happen between us anymore..

I was gutted went away on holiday for a week
when i got back things have carried on as before and i really dont know what to do..
I feel i have to take what he said about no relationship as it still standing as he hasnt told me any different but the more time i spend with him the deeper i fall and i feel like i am setting myself up for some more cracks being formed in my heart which i would rather protect myself from....

It would really hurt never to see him again as i have always wanted to be back in touch with him.. I just dont know what to do for the best...

cheekysealion Thu 04-Jun-09 06:48:25

I will Just add that when i say intimate stuff- we havent had sex just lots of other lovely things smile because i am not into casual sex.. which is shocking for me to say as it has always been a massive part of previous relationships..

warthog Thu 04-Jun-09 07:39:48

really sorry to say this, but sounds to me like he's got his cake and is eating it - all the nice things you get from having a gf but no commitment.

i think you should stop the cuddly cuddly stuff. by all means see him, but say that as you're not in a relationship you don't want to do physical stuff anymore. you want to find a lovely man who does want to be in a relationship with you. (say this even if you don't really mean it)

because i strongly suspect that if he sees that you're not as available as he imagines, he might change his tune.

a bit of nonchalance will go a long way.

IDidntRaiseAThief Thu 04-Jun-09 07:42:02

warthog speaks most sensibly

sparkybint Thu 04-Jun-09 09:41:09

Agree totally with warthog and you already know this doesn't feel right the way it is.
Good for you that you're not into casual sex anymore; I'm not either (posted about this yesterday) despite always having given out too early. I too get blinded by chemistry (even at 51!) and my last relationship had to end because of that.

If he wants more with you, he'll do his utmost to prove himself. If not, there's nothing you can do about it and you need to decided whether you're able to be just friends with him.

aseriouslyblondemoment Thu 04-Jun-09 10:58:08

have to agree with the others here
if you can bear to do it i would be inclined to cut contact for a while and maybe consider getting out and about and just generally enjoying your single life
IME men will up their game considerably if they don't see you as being readily available as and when it suits them

cheekysealion Thu 04-Jun-09 19:43:44

thanks for the great advice asusual >> it will be difficult not to get physical with him as we seem to be a bit like magnets (i know that sounds ridiculous but it is true)

I guess i have been thinking that if we will carry on he will change his mind. but actually why would he want to if he is getting kicks with no commitment...

so from what you have said i stop all the lovely stuff smile and see if it makes him think a bit..

sparkybint- i read your thread, and think you speak lots of sense.. hope you meet the man of your dreams

I ahve been single 4 years and truly dont mind it that was at all... i guess i thought fate had thrown us back together but that is the stuff of fairy tales and not my real life

warthog Thu 04-Jun-09 22:03:38

just think of this:

to back off is your chance to have a proper relationship with him. and keep telling yourself that. imagine you have a more powerful magnet on the opposite side of the room to him grin

cheekysealion Fri 05-Jun-09 16:55:21

Thanks Warthog...

I will try my hardest and think to myself while i let it carry on he wont want things to change will he? but if it stops he may miss it >>> is that right?

warthog Fri 05-Jun-09 21:11:22

yes.

right now the status quo is absolutely in his favour. he gets to spend time with you, meals, the odd passionate embrace and generally basking in the glow of your adoration without having to commit anything to you. at any time he could turn around and say 'sorry - this has been great but no more. after all i never promised you anything!' and off he swans.

if you hold back, suddenly you're not giving him anything on a platter, he's going to have to work for it. no more nice romantic evenings, home cooked meals (or whatever you're doing for him). suddenly you're off with your friends on wild nights out, meeting all those gorgeous eligible blokes!

he will realize that perhaps commitment isn't such a bad thing.

and if he doesn't, do you really want him using you, and then just moving on when he's had his full? (sorry - awful way of putting it...)

warthog Fri 05-Jun-09 21:11:31

yes.

right now the status quo is absolutely in his favour. he gets to spend time with you, meals, the odd passionate embrace and generally basking in the glow of your adoration without having to commit anything to you. at any time he could turn around and say 'sorry - this has been great but no more. after all i never promised you anything!' and off he swans.

if you hold back, suddenly you're not giving him anything on a platter, he's going to have to work for it. no more nice romantic evenings, home cooked meals (or whatever you're doing for him). suddenly you're off with your friends on wild nights out, meeting all those gorgeous eligible blokes!

he will realize that perhaps commitment isn't such a bad thing.

and if he doesn't, do you really want him using you, and then just moving on when he's had his fill? (sorry - awful way of putting it...)

cheekysealion Sat 06-Jun-09 12:11:36

thankyou so much warthog... i cant tell you how much you have helped me

warthog Sat 06-Jun-09 20:00:44

give us an update please!

cheekysealion Sun 07-Jun-09 13:50:50

well he bought me amazing birthday presents..
and we had a lovely evening together last
night... i really didnt want to get into a discussion about stuff on my bday.. which would have happened if i resisted him... but i feel so much stronger from this thread.. and i will def not be chasing him anymore, he has go to do the chasing now and if he really wants me he will Right? and by that i mean he has got to make suggestions for us to get together etc

aseriouslyblondemoment Sun 07-Jun-09 14:36:27

aww thats nice to hear!
and trust me let him make the running.i can assure you that he will given time
sitting tight is the key heresmile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now