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Do most men want sex from the word go?

(53 Posts)
sparkybint Wed 03-Jun-09 13:20:58

I'm newly single (posted recently about coping with the break-up) and am not thinking about dating anytime soon. I know I'll come out of this stronger though (already feel a whole lot better) and will be thinking about finding some male company in a little while. I'm 51 and divorced so not really looking for marriage/living together, probably ever. What I'd like eventually is a long-term and committed relationship where we live separately and don't spend every waking moment together! But to start with I just want to be dating and enjoying meeting new people.

I'm concerned about having sex too soon though. I've finally learnt that having sex with someone new too early on can be a disaster for me; then I get attached and can't see the wood for the trees and stay with men who are bad for me. So this time I'm determined to get to know a man as well as I can before I even consider sleeping with him. How long that might take I don't know.

My question is, are there are many men who'd be happy to wait until a woman's comfortable or whether the majority will give up after just a few dates? I so want to change the habit of a lifetime and get to know someone really well before great chemistry blinds me to everything else. Answers from men especially welcome!

nickytwotimes Wed 03-Jun-09 13:23:53

Well, I can only say that dh waited a fair while for me. We were both gagging for it but didn't want to mess things up.
Lots of people wait. If it suits you to do so, then do it. Nowt wrong with a good shag for it's own sake, but if you want something a bit deeper first, then fair enough.

Castiel Wed 03-Jun-09 13:25:08

The question isn't will he want sex but will he be prepared to wait? You can't generalise of course.

I was absolutely clear with dh when we met that I would not be having sex with him until I was utterly sure that it was about more than that. I too thought that for me sex would complicate the matter.

He waited. A long time. It was hard (arf) for him. But 10 years on, he said it actually made things better as the focus was elsewhere.

We'd known each other for 8 months before sex became a factor.

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 13:27:28

Well, i am from the "make um wait" camp.
It has always been vital for me to connect on an intellectual and friendly basis before giving up myself completely.

With dh, we dated for about 5 months before sleeping together.

This was completely alien to him, as previously he had slept with women after 1 or 2 dates.

I had no agenda, no expectations, i just carried on as myself and he came back for more, falling in love with me quite quickly from what he says. blush

We just went out and about togehter and i got to know him, and realy liked him.

I have always been this way and have always had good relationships with really nice people.
I gave myself the breathing room and space to decide whether or not, they deserve me. If not then get rid.
Sounds very arrogant doesnt it, BUT i have never had my heart broken or been treated badly becuae i chose very very carefully.

hobbgoblin Wed 03-Jun-09 13:29:51

Rofl @ 10 years on, until I read the final line in your pist Castiel!

It's not whether they'll wait is it? It's not accepting anything less than a man who WILL wait!

I am a serial shagger. I have no will power and cannot complain that time and time again the binding factor in ALL my relationships is the sex. hmm

sparkybint Wed 03-Jun-09 13:31:44

I'm not interested in casual sex at all - been there and done it as they say. I'm looking for long-term male companionship and hopefully the added benefit of great sex.

8 months is a long time Castiel but I'm glad it worked out so well for you. Up till now I haven't got beyond the 2nd or 3rd date so it could be a very interesting exercise....

sparkybint Wed 03-Jun-09 13:33:54

And just read your post endless - where did you get such incredible self-esteem from? As a young woman I had none which meant I gave myself away very unwisely. And you're so right, if you choose carefully you make fewer mistakes. I never chose at all, I let them choose me.

hobbgoblin Wed 03-Jun-09 13:36:04

I almost certainly need to embark upon the same excercise as you Sparky but I do kind of feel that women are wrong to 'make a man wait' for no good reason other than that it gives them a little power.

I mean, does it actually make a difference when you sleep with someone, really and truly?

LovelyTinOfSpam Wed 03-Jun-09 13:41:18

Where is abetadad? He will answer your question nicely smile

I think that most decent men will be happy to wait. How long is another question.

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 03-Jun-09 13:41:55

sadly to some men it does
i would say that most would be looking/hoping for sex asap
quite how they view you after is a different matter tho isn't it?
one rule for men another for women lol

sparkybint Wed 03-Jun-09 13:44:45

Yes, I'd like him to come along too! hobbgob - it's absolutely not about having power. It's to do with the fact that once I (and many women I've spoken to) have sex with a man they like, all reason goes out of the window. Sex gets women attached (it's a chemical thing, we can't help it) and then it gets harder to make wise decisions. But nothing wrong with no-strings sex, if that's what you want.

hobbgoblin Wed 03-Jun-09 13:46:01

Anyway, damned if you do damned if you don't. What's that phrase about a whore in the bedroom...

Men seem to want the best of both, a woman that doesn't readily 'put out' so that their ego remains intact in terms of not worrying about who she might be bedding behind his back, plus a woman who satisfies him the second he requires gratification. hmm

Sorry to make such sweeping statements but I do think this is how it is. Think concubinage...

hobbgoblin Wed 03-Jun-09 13:48:38

Sorry, I was thinking more widely, not suggesting you personally were on a power trip. Like I say, it is an experiment I'd like to try too. I have never tried waiting and it hasn't exactly worked for me in terms of sustaining a long term healthy relationship. But, it feels weird. I have no logical reason to wait other than that in the past I haven't so it'd be a new approach to try.

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 03-Jun-09 13:48:49

sparky i totally agree with you heresmile

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 13:58:59

It is defo not about having power.
Its about thinking ahead and thinking intellegently for me.
Sex does matter absolutely. i am a very old fashioned girl and beleve that you are "giving something to someone" when you embark on a sexual relationship.
I need that person to be the right person.

I have self respect and while i have no self confidence, i have an in built belief that i am important and wil be very very important to someone some day so when dh came along, we jsut fitted together nicely. I was what he wanted, so we waited for things to be right.

This has been an enduring lifelong philosophy for me, not about willpower about what is right in my head for me.

Lots of men have been seived out of the picture using this philosophy, no idea where any of themare now, no interest.

I am in the future that i had in my plans. Happy, secure, no worries with a gorgeous lovely husband and a little boy. A brilliant career that i love...all through careful choice a bit of good luck and good planning.

aseriouslyblondemoment Wed 03-Jun-09 14:07:27

ooh hobb are we going to support you on your quest to remain strong heregrin

poshsinglemum Wed 03-Jun-09 14:19:46

Wow- I'm in awe of all these strong women. I always put out too easily even though I knew it was bad.
However, now I have changed and want the same as you op. I always got hurt by giving in too easily. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

IMO, if he isn't prepared to wait, he aint worth it.

EvenBetaDad Wed 03-Jun-09 14:20:44

sparkybint - well here is one male view.

It is tough to give a straight yes or no on this though.

When I was lot younger (age 21) at University I waited for DW for over a year. I lived with her in the same building and went to lectures every day with her and sat literally touching her on a sofa during tutorials. So close I smell her perfume and hear her breath. I spent hours with her every day.

We were and still are the very best of friends. I was in love with her from the moment we met - yes literally the moment we met and knew we would marry from that moment too. She did not though have that same depth of feeling I did not want to lose that friendship or spoil what we had by doing anything that would damage that. I just wanted to wait for her and eventually we did hold hands after 6 months as we walked down the High Street in Oxford. Neither of us knew what to say nor did we say anything.

Then after another 6 months we eventually kissed. After about another 2 months of being together nearly every waking hour of every day we did eventually sleep together. So on that basis I can say I was willing to wait - a long time. Sex was not on my (or her) agenda at all even though I knew we would eventually.

I am only 5 years younger than you now though but it is still hard to imagine myself in the position of having to start a new relationship as an older man. However, DW nearly died about 10 years ago and I have thought form time-to-time what would have happened - in forming a new relationship with another woman.

I think actually, I would probably stil want to wait and really be friends with a woman first. Not all men feel that way of course and lots of great relationships start off in a much more 'hot blooded' way.

Maybe thinking of forming male friendships is the best way to think about it. If a man just wants sex then he is not a true friend. Being friends first is the way to go. I am with nicktwotimes/castiel/endless on this. Clearly they found men who were prepared to wait as well.

However, I agree with hobgoblin - just deliberately making a man wait for sex as a sort of test of strength is not really fair.

sparkybint Wed 03-Jun-09 14:21:30

I really hope I can instill those values into my little girl (9) endless. I had no idea that it was OK for a girl to say no because I had no self-respect. Wish I'd seived out all the losers I ended up with!
How are you doing seriouslyblonde, are you seeing anyone?

EvenBetaDad Wed 03-Jun-09 14:28:28

LovelyTinOfSpam - x posted. As you can see it was a looong time. grin

sparkybint - yes do instill it in your DD. We want to instil it in our DSs too. Boys just do not get that message often enough and I am horrified about the pressure girls and boys are under to have sex while still at school.

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 14:29:41

I have got male friends, these i have known for many many years. I think that my philosophy has allowed these friendships to exsist.

Do you have male friends? Can you maintain friendships with men?

LovelyTinOfSpam Wed 03-Jun-09 14:31:04

I knew you wouldn't let us down abetadad, I love to hear that story [soppy emoticon]

sparkybint my DH would also have me point out that not all men are governed by their drive to procreate, and willing to hump anything given half a chance. He likes to point out that there are men who want/need an emotional attachment prior to sex, and are unwilling to dive straight into bed...

sparkybint Wed 03-Jun-09 14:48:19

This all gives me hope and thanks for your invaluable take on this betadad. Endless, an interesting question, and despite having a good number of lovely female friends, I have no close male friends to speak of. I think I always ended up sleeping with any man who came my way.

So maybe friendship is the way forward. I have a neighbour of 80 who has a gentleman caller and is very happy with the arrangement. But oh gosh, when I think how happy I am when I'm in a lovely close physical relationship with a man. That's what I thought I had with ex DP, so great to have earth-shattering sex again at my age and now I haven't got it anymore....

spokette Wed 03-Jun-09 14:53:56

I have three close male friends plus DH. I did not date until I was 30yo because I had not met anyone with whom I wanted to date, despite having offers.

DH and I met at work, developed our relationship slowly over 5 years and finally became intimate on our wedding night. I was DH only girlfriend too.

There are men out there who want meaningful relationships too. Two of my DB did not date until they were in their 30s. My family is quite old fashionsmile.

AnyFucker Wed 03-Jun-09 15:08:22

endless, can I just ask you why you are on two very contradictory threads ?

I have no wish to hound you, but I am very puzzled.

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