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What the hell do you do when you find that your dh/dp is having an afair via text messaging?

(42 Posts)
endless Wed 03-Jun-09 11:39:52

????
Defo nothing physical has gone on.
But is dodgy behaviour because he has been cagey with his moby, deleting messages etc.
how do you move on, how do you recover?

Any one been in this situation?

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 12:04:21

Please help, i am desperate for advice.

SheWillBeLoved Wed 03-Jun-09 12:25:47

Have you confronted him about it? Or are you just turning a blind eye because nothing physical has happened yet?

hobbgoblin Wed 03-Jun-09 12:27:30

How do you know nothing physical has happened? Sorry to ask but...

And if it had ,would that change things?

You need to self question, he needs to self question and then you need to talk about relationship resolution - in a nutshell.

Yurtgirl Wed 03-Jun-09 12:28:28

Hi endless this is exactly what my dh did

Talk to him is the obvious start
My dh lied endlessly though about what he was up to

We split up 3 years ago and are good friends now - I am happier tbh but no its not ideal

I cant stop to write more now as I have to feed my kids their lunch! Back later

FabulousBakerGirl Wed 03-Jun-09 12:49:12

Have you talked to him?

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 12:51:02

Yes we have talked.
He is remorsful, adamant that nothing else has happened.
Has stopped all contact with the person. I know he has because i have looked on line at phone billing etc. New sim card, leavs phone where i can see it anytime.
Been together 27 years, have never ever had anything liek this before, he has always been 100% commited, we absolutely love each other.

Dont want to ask too much, dont want to hear something that i cant deal with.

NotPlayingAnyMore Wed 03-Jun-09 12:58:50

But at the same time, is not knowing the answer to what you want to ask doing you any good?
And are you sure there's no "secret phone"?

Sorry to hear about this

Yurtgirl Wed 03-Jun-09 13:01:38

Oh gosh endless - 27 years!

We had been married for 6 when I found out and were never truly happy in our married state tbh

My dh did the same as yours but it sounds like yours is a totally different situation - I hope you can sort things out [hopeful]

Charl75 Wed 03-Jun-09 13:06:43

In the same sort of situation now. Found out yesterday and posted for advice. We both going to try to make things work but I'm sat at work now on my lunch break and feel like total rubbish. Not sure I can get over this.

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 13:08:03

i am physically affected by it, cant eat or sleep. Feel sick when he is out or away from me.
totally rocked the stability of a strong relationship that i took for granted for ever really.
He is not the person that i thought he was.
How can he just go out and do this, how?
has he no respect?

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 13:10:23

me niether charl.
How far has yours gone, how long was it happening for and what has your dp said as to "WHY" he felt the need to do this to you?How did you find out charl?
How are you keeping it together?
sorry for the questions, just fel so alone, have told no one at all in rl.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 03-Jun-09 13:31:05

Endless. So sorry for your pain. Please give us a bit more background to all this. Who is the woman, how did you find out, what has he said etc. Don't bury your head in the sand either - 27 years is worth more than that. You might not want to know, but you actually need to know.

Tell us all the circumstances and we will be happy to help and advise.

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 13:40:42

he met her through work.

says he has been texting for about 3 months.

She is a younger lady, she has been opening up about her problems, and he has told her of a couple of arguments we had (a few months ago about money or something)

Says there is no attraction there at all hmm

just looked at the phone one day after he had a text, it had been deleted.
watched over next few, he had sent her a text asking how she was.

when i asked he told me that they were texting. i asked why he had been hiding them and his phone, acting suspiciously, he couldnt answer me.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 03-Jun-09 14:13:29

Ok. This is all good, because you do have some options now.

First of all, any secret relationship is bad news. It is the first rule - and he knows that, otherwise he wouldn't have been deleting texts and hiding his phone.

Does he see himself as a "rescuer" and does he feel needed by this damsel in distress? Lots of men of his age get flattered by being needed and there is a weird attraction in some men (my DH used to be like this) for women who seem to be in trouble or in "victim" mode.

If he is sharing information about your life and your arguments, that is disrespectful and there is another agenda going on here.

Tell us why you checked the 'phone in the first place. Did you have an instinct that something was amiss? What sort of behaviour has he been displaying in recent months?

So what to do? You could take the cautious approach and do some detective work. Buy a SIM card reader that will retrieve the last 20 or so deleted texts. You could go on the hunt for a second mobile 'phone or SIM card. You could 'phone her and ask her straight out what is going on, but then your cover is blown. You could even hire a PI. Have you interrogated the home PC/his laptop for anything suspicious?

As others will tell you on this board, so many men will deny, deny and deny until they know you have real evidence.

The fact is, what you do know is really bad and he should be thoroughly ashamed.

If you decide to have this out with him without the detective work, try to find out what has led up to this. But in your shoes, I would be getting evidence before I did this.

How is he behaving towards you now?

endless Wed 03-Jun-09 14:21:02

He is loving and doing everything he can to reasure me. Phoning me 3/4 times a day, telling me where he is who he is with.

Gut feeling led me to check his phone.

His personality is that he talks to any one and every one. We cant go down the street and he is chatting to someone, male or female, he is a very approachable, kind,and has an interst in people.A genuinely nice man who every one loves as soon as they meet him. he never shuts up whether he knows the person or not. He has always always been like this.

This is why i have not kicked him out, i think that she has just latched onto him because of the way he is.
I dont get why he felt the need to keep this to himslef though.

I have evidence via on line phone billing, lots of calls and texts to this number. I phoned her, she put the phone down on me. I asked her why she was contacting a married man, my husband. She jsut put the phone down on me......suspicious behaviour you see.

mummytowillow Wed 03-Jun-09 15:15:43

Oh Endless I'm so sorry this has happened to you, my husband did the same so I really feel for you.

Have you thought about couples counselling, we went for one session said loads of things we weren't happy with, but then he didn't want to go to anymore, sadly we have now split up, but I do think counselling can work.

He sounds like he wants to try as he has changed his sim and leaving his phone, but he will have to win your trust back.

Thinking of you.

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 03-Jun-09 15:21:44

Thanks endless. Your DH sounds remarkably like mine! He has said that if I had found out at the texting stage, it would have all stopped. The strange thing was that about the time all this started, I had a really unsettled feeling about life and couldn't pin it on one thing in particular. In the end, I decided it was work that was the problem and even considered a change of profession. I just knew there was something wrong and that I felt restless and unhappy. I would never in a million years have dreamt that it was because my DH had started an emotional affair.

In my case, the texting, E mailing and 'phoning went on for more or less a year before he met her and in retrospect, I kick myself for not tumbling this earlier, but after 24 years, it was the last thing I suspected.

You may have caught him in the nick of time, which is good news. On the other hand, I think it's strange that she put the 'phone down on you. Beyond genuine shock and horror at being confronted by an angry wife, I do think if nothing had gone on at all, she would be trying to get some message to you that nothing physical has happened. What is your real, gut instinct telling you?

The reason he wasn't telling you about this is horribly simple - he probably wanted an affair with her, emotional or otherwise. Given that you have always accepted him to be a gregarious soul who is comfortable with women, you have hardly gone into orbit if he mentioned that a young colleague needed a shoulder to cry on, would you?

How are they behaving towards one another at work then? What has he said to her about your reaction? Also, have you actually looked for evidence of another phone or SIM card? I know this is hard, endless, but they could both be covering their tracks a bit now with changed numbers, phones and SIM cards. Just make sure you've got the full picture, is all I'm saying.

Keep posting and be kind to yourself through this horrible time.

brazenhussy Wed 03-Jun-09 16:09:11

Please please PLEASE look high and low for a second mobile phone.

They never just stop just like that.

In my murky past have been a Mistress several times to married men (I don't want slating for this as it is all in my past now and I have more than seen the error of my ways)and can speak confidently on the subject

The fact that he suddenly started to leave his phone around alerts me to the fact that he knows she won't contact him on it hmm

So sorry to say this but i doubt it really is so cut and dried IME

brazenhussy Wed 03-Jun-09 16:14:09

Just read that he has a new SIM card; where is the old one? Could it be in a new mobile?

zookeeper Wed 03-Jun-09 16:15:15

I think echo is right - @I would look in his car.

whatdoyouallthink Wed 03-Jun-09 16:26:41

I really hope it is all as he says and there is nothing more to it. Maybe the other woman didnt want to talk to you as there really has been nothing going on. If you feel there is more to it though you must follow that feeling.

Second the prev posts about looking for a possible other phone. My h was happy to leave his phone around and watch me look through it. There was nothing on it so I thought I was imagining it all. Then one day in a rush to get home from work he forgot to leave something behind-the second payg phone. He used to hide it in his car and at work. When I used to want to get someting out the car he would almost race to get there before me now I know why! I also happened to find a top up voucher for it in the bin!

I really hope though that it is all as he says a terrible mistake and there is nothing more to it.

StirlingTheStrong Wed 03-Jun-09 16:28:19

Endless I know how you feel - It is like everything has changed, your DH isn't who you thought he was but, from what you have said, he really sounds like he is sorry and trying to make amends.

As others have said, there is always the chance he will keep in contact with OW but only time will tell. I am sure that you will keep an eye on him now.

I think the only way to heal is to talk and talk till you are happy that all is well.

It definitely takes a while for trust to return (and never returns in some cases).

Hope you feel better soon smile

Charl75 Wed 03-Jun-09 16:29:38

Similar story to you endless. He says about 2 months of 'innocent' texting and has apologised, but felt the need to keep it secret and delete all messages. I had a gut feeling about someone else when he said he wanted to split on Monday. Got it out of him about the texts and he says he is 'fond' of her but claims nothing more than texting took place (she has pursued him in the past). Yesterday I wanted to work on things and quickly forgave him (we have a one year old DS to think about too). Today I think I hate him and feel like telling him to get out and leave. I feel completely and utterly betrayed. She is younger and thinner than me and I feel grim.At the same time I want things to be as they were........

FabulousBakerGirl Wed 03-Jun-09 16:37:09

Hello BH grin

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