Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

QUICK STRAW POLL - if your relationship broke down and you had a chance to move abroad, would you do it?

(15 Posts)
anonismymiddlename Wed 03-Jun-09 10:01:23


After years of misery, H and I broke up. I now know he is no longer interested in trying to do anything about it. He doesn't even know whether he wants to Divorce. But he doesn't want to get back together.

So, I have one DD. Relatives have said come and work abroad and live with us for a bit.

Would you do it? H knows about it and is fine if its not forever.

I just know my mental health is failing me because of the constant backwards and forwards here and perhaps I need to get away.

anonismymiddlename Wed 03-Jun-09 10:20:41

bumpity bump

NoTart Wed 03-Jun-09 10:34:35

Impossible to say giving the information we have.

Does moving abroad provide you with critical family support that is your priority right now or is the objective to run away from your world?

How old is your child and will she and her schooling be affected?

What is your work? Will you lose your job and find it difficult to find another one?

Will you lose your home in UK?

Sorry you´re having such a hard time.

I lived abroad for years and years btw.

oneplusone Wed 03-Jun-09 10:53:31

In a word, YES, I would. I have been thinking about this recently. My relationship with DH is going downhill fast for reasons too long to go into here. But I have been thinking that if we broke up I would go abroad, as I also do not have any family here either (not any that i want to be around anyway). I love the idea of making a clean break, a fresh start, new friends and a new life. It would be very hard on my own, but i have a feeling I would be happier than i am now.

Sorry, i am sure that is no help to you at all.

Portofino Wed 03-Jun-09 11:00:17

IF you have a good support network where you'd be going, or ideally a better one than you have here now, it might work.

Key thing with moving abroad is that is sounds exciting, but once the novelty has worn off it is same shit, different scenery IFYSWIM. Depending on where you are going, there may be issues with bureaucracy, language, culture, homesickness etc.

That doesn't mean that you can't get over come these things and make a great life for yourself, but I'm not sure if it is something to approach when you are already feeling fragile.

I have a nice life, but the move has put pressure on us in some ways. I miss my friends and family (and M&S) and have found it hard to meet new people. I'm still persevering, but I have felt quite down about it at times.

Surfermum Wed 03-Jun-09 11:17:59

I couldn't move my dd so far away from the Daddy she adores.

I wouldn't want to live in a different country to my dd, and I wouldn't expect dh to have to either.

I don't think it's something I would consider should dh and I split up, no matter how much a new start appealed to me. For me, having dd means it isn't just about me.

Having said that I appreciate that not all fathers are like dh.

warthog Wed 03-Jun-09 11:48:37

yes, i would but i would want to know about language / schooling / support network. how old is dd?

PatienceRequired Wed 03-Jun-09 13:38:48

I moved abroad when i split from my H. I took our two kids with us. But we were halfway through the process of moving abroad when i found out about his extra curricular activities. So i just carried on with the move.

Just before i moved though, i met someone new, and he followed me abroad, six months later. He didn't settle and i didn't settle nearly as much as i thought i would so we moved back to the UK.

It is worth noting that I was moving to my home country where my family live. But after 11 years here i found the differences too frustrating. I also felt smothered by my overbearing Mother, who i get on fine with long distance.

Also re taking the children away from their Daddy, he has an older son who lived around the corner from us that he never saw, and i knew that even if i stayed in the same town he would probably not have any contact with them.
As it stands he never saw them during the 15 months i lived abroad, and although we only live an hour away from him now, he has only made the journey twice, based on a friend giving him a lift. It is up to me to pressure him to have them , when i need the break, and do the travelling, each time. He now hasn't seen them since Easter and i dont expect he will see them anytime soon. So in a nutshell that side of things had no impact on my decision to move abroad.

Moving "home" was something i always wanted to do. I did it, and it wasn't what i dreamed it would be. So i came back and i am now happier than i have ever been. If i hadn't tried it, i would probably still want to do it. Try it, dont regret the things in life you haven't done, regret the things you have.

Some more details may put a different slant on it though, eg childrens ages, is he an interested Dad, etc etc.

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 03-Jun-09 15:38:21

I wouldn't because of the effect it would have on my children to be separated from their dad, and because my husband would never agree to be separated from them.

However, your ex has said he doesn't mind being separated from his child "as long as it's not forever" - what does he mean by this? a month? six months? a year? five years? How long is he prepared to not see his child for? Your idea of not too long might be different from his, so you need to know that.

Also, how would your child feel not seeing him? That's the biggie imo.

However, you matter too. And it sounds like you really need some physical distance and some support. Could you start with a long holiday? Don't know if you work outside the home, but if so, maybe talk to work and get some extended leave?

anonismymiddlename Wed 03-Jun-09 16:10:26

Well, DD is 3. So for a year and bring her back to start school and be near her father.

As it is, he is going to away for 8 weeks travelling (which he thinks is no big deal), then when he is back he is out 4 nights a week plus a Saturday on a course, plus working, so I do get slightly annoyed that I should have to be around for him to grace us with his presence.

Yes he does love DD when he has time for her. But he has stated there are things he needs to do and get out of his system, which he feels he couldn't do when he was with me. So in a way, I do feel why should I wait.

Of course I feel torn because I don't want DD to suffer, but I think physical distance could potentially give me what I want - peace of mind.

When I came back I think I would either temp or find perm work, do whatever to support me and DD. So I am not too worried about that.

I am very concerned about how DD would react though.

I just feel trapped and was hoping this could give me some peace of mind. Just an idea though and I'm interested in your POV's.

slushy06 Wed 03-Jun-09 16:15:44

I would it sounds ideal to help you and your dd cope with the separation. surrounded by family and able to get your life back on track.

NoTart Wed 03-Jun-09 16:54:15

I think the move would be a good idea, given your circumstances. Go for it!

self Wed 03-Jun-09 18:58:34

i would do it especially where you will have people supporting you, i have asked my h for a divorce and he has refused also a separation, my son is 15months old and if all this did happen i would move i don't think he would miss his father who works 24/7, he has agreed to let me go for a month. he did not ask my permission to have an affair.

maqrollelgaviero Thu 04-Jun-09 18:27:10

Why don't you think of it as a sort of 'year out' for you and dd?

Hulababy Thu 04-Jun-09 18:40:30

I couldn't do it. I would want to be around the support and friednship of family and friends, ad DD would want to be able to see her daddy as much as possible.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: