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husband left because he wants a baby

(16 Posts)
hazelmary Mon 01-Jun-09 21:21:22

I have been married ten months. husband hasnt got a child of his own whereas i am 43 and have two. hes great with them. we have had this discussion many times with him seemingly acepting we wouldnt have children of our own. this was mostly because i was too scared at my age.he had a very bad situation a few years back when he thought he was a dad for two years but then found out that he wasnt the dad and that was verydifficult.

my husband now left and even though i said i would have one..partly for him but also for me... i wouldnt bring a child into this world unless i wanted one too...he said if we tried but were not successful he would leave me anyway cos all he wants is a child.i think he has a very low self esteem and what he said wasnt rational cos no one can guarantee a child

i genuinely thought we had a great relationship. lots of love and laughter. i have since found out he took a girl from work to the cinema a few days after he left but i am reasonably confident it wasnt anything but then again i could just be a mug. now i guess i lack trust.

my counsellor says i have to keep strong and be open to him and he replies to my texts , comes out with us and still wants to have his wicked way but i am not getting any reassurance of his affections for me.not really. he never texts me. spend alot of time driving round to old haunts and working. he cries alot and tells others he loves me

just wondered if anyone can shed some light onto this behaviour or has been in a similar situation

thanks

ilovemydogandmrobama Mon 01-Jun-09 21:26:48

Why do you have to be open to him? He doesn't sound very open to you -- i.e. if you (both) weren't able to produce a child, then he would leave? hmm

Totally understand your reluctance to have a child with this man/child!

snigger Mon 01-Jun-09 21:30:46

I agree - this isn't a firm enough situation warrant bringing a child into the world - had you 'produced' his required heir, is he making out all would have been well with the world?

This must be a very difficult situation for you, and I hope you don't take it too much to heart - it's very cruel of your DH to have left leaving this as his reason.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 01-Jun-09 23:37:36

He is not being fair or kind to you. TBH I think he is using this having a baby thing as an excuse to have sex elsewhere and yet still have the opportunity to get attention/affection/domestic servicing from you when he feels like it.

Niftyblue Mon 01-Jun-09 23:41:13

You are his wife not a baby machine
You don`t marry someone because you think they will give me ababy
You marry because you want to be with each other

2rebecca Tue 02-Jun-09 08:29:30

There have been similar posts from women wanting children/ more children where the husbands don't and they have generated sympathy for the woman. I think if having a baby is really important to someone then they would be better in a relationship with another person who wants a baby. It's a shame he couldn't have decided a baby was this important before you got married though. It does sound as though he's always talked about wanting a baby though but maybe it's just become more important to him over time. People who want babies can become obsessional and unrealistic about the whole thing so the baby idea takes over.
A likely scenario if he does leave you is that he meets someone else who has a baby but the relationship breaks up and he only sees the child occasionally and doesn't have a good relationship. Men get a bit of a rubbish deal out of parenting.
I don't think compromise ever really works if 1 partner wants a baby and the other doesn't. There isn't a halfway position. 1 of you is never going to get what you want.

PremenstrualChickens Tue 02-Jun-09 09:36:06

Have to agree with 2rebecca, as I am one of those recent posters desperate for another baby but DH is adament. It has taken time for me to reconcile myself to the fact that there is no compromise, and I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't thought about leaving. However, we already have two children, and I couldn't disrupt their lives for my own selfish wants. It's such a strong desire, and I can understand your DH's perspective. It would be a huge deal to give up on the idea of biological parenthood IMO.

QuintessentialShadow Tue 02-Jun-09 09:42:34

Why shouldnt a man want to father a child? Why shouldnt a man want to enjoy (his partners) pregnancy, birth of their baby and raising their child from birth?

A friend of mine divorced his wife when she admitted she was not keen on kids. He is now in a new relationship with a womand who DOES want to have children with him. They are very much in love.

You will have to work out whether his paternal instint really is so strong, or if it is like SolidGold suggests below.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 02-Jun-09 18:47:35

I am not lacking sympathy for a man who wants a baby: it is distressing and sad for him. However, being sad about something doesn't give you the automatic right to ignore other people's feelings and be unkind to them.

howtotellmum Tue 02-Jun-09 19:33:25

Maybe neither of you was totally honest at the start? I can see how easy it would be for 2 people to each say they either did or didn't want children, to keep the other party happy, but secretly hope things would change once they got married.

Maybe he thought he could persuade you once you were married?

Maybe his paternal instinct is stronger than he thought? It might have surprised him, as much as you.

Maybe you ignored his paternal feelings and hoped he would fall in with your plans not to have any more children?

I don't think you should be bullied into having more, but 43 is not too old, especially for a 3rd child. it IS possible if you want one.

However, it also sounds as if you have a 3rd baby already- would some counselling help?

I think the only way forward is for you both to get together and have a proper discussion- where is he living now?

howtotellmum Tue 02-Jun-09 19:34:59

sorry- see you have a counsellor already! I agree that he should love and want you, baby or no baby- there are no guarantees that any woman sould be a baby factory! he needs to grow up .

2rebecca Tue 02-Jun-09 19:42:07

Grow up? So wanting a baby is an expression of childishness? (hmm)

howtotellmum Tue 02-Jun-09 19:48:36

Oh don't be so silly 2R you must know that is not the point I was making, FFS- what I am saying is that a man who walks out because he can't get what he wants, and doesn't want his wife unless she can produce ababy that he wants, despite them agreeing beforehand that they wouldn't have any kids,is behaving like a child having a strop.

eemie Tue 02-Jun-09 22:01:44

Sorry but I've been in the opposite situation - man desperate for baby, talked of nothing else, pressed for unprotected sex, chose names, discussed with all my immediate family.

I felt rushed, wanted time to establish ourselves as couple.

Then after two years, when I was ready, he went stone cold and left me within months.

Turned out he had insisted previous wife must have abortion (he had told me a different story, reversing the roles iyswim) and had abandoned an earlier girlfriend when she had their son (again - had given me story with roles reversed).

Yes, I was partly to blame - he was plausible and I wanted to believe him. But he never really wanted a baby, what he wanted was to talk about himself and various reflections of himself. And he was unable to balance his needs with anyone else's - would have been the worst father you could imagine.

So agree with howtotellmum - if he's not a proper grown-up, you shouldn't have a baby with him anyway - unless you're sure you'll be a good single mum. I was sure I wouldn't. It came right for me in the end. Hope it does for you too.

hazelmary Mon 15-Jun-09 16:21:47

Hi guys. sorry so long to reply but couldnt get back in! hope i dont get confused here. i did feel like a baby machine but the counselling has made me realise its an overriding urge to reproduce and he had a situation where he thought he was a dad years ago but after two years found out he wasnt . i never not wanted a child with him but was just too worried and since told him that i could do this.

however i beleive he is in some crisis(wont seek help). he came to see me and said didnt think he loved me but at the end of the chat confessed just numb and confused and thought it cos been away for few weeks(although comes back every few days). there is still physical attraction which i intially allowed cos i know hes very needy and has low self esteem.last time he wanted to i didnt and hes taking time to think.

hes at a friends house. drives around alot. thinks about me with someone else and cries.visits the church we got married in and cries.. very jealous of a long standing male friend. jealous of my male clients and keeps saying hes thick. if i go out with my friends he starts to constantly text sometimes a but saucy. is this loveing feelings?

when i dont see or hear from him i get wound up but when i see him he looks so sad.

he now says to others he cant put me through a baby and doesnt kow what would happen if any attempt would fail. (which i feel is my choice and my risk and i am aware of the risk)he probably has anger feelings towards me and has been thinking about this so long that he has the 'wall' he keeps talking about with me. im woried i cant salvage this and make him see that i do love him . after soul searching realised i would love the chance to try for a baby made from us!!how weird is that

hope not rambled on too much

hazelmary Mon 15-Jun-09 16:27:20

sorry i have re read and know i repeated myself!!
xx

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