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To tell DP no more sex?

(101 Posts)
lilacclaire Mon 01-Jun-09 20:32:43

I never thought i'd be doing this.

I have a higher sex drive than dp, he would be happy with once a week/fortnight, I would like it every other night.

At first we used to be at it at least once a day (isnt everyone).

I feel so humiliated by the constant rejection/excuses I feel I can't take it anymore. I feel as if im getting scraps thrown to me when he finally wants to do it.

I'm fed up feeling like this, demoralised, humiliated.

Im 33 and don't want to made to feel like this anymore, so I told dp, no more sex, I can't handle the rejection etc.

I've a feeling im not doing the right thing, but I don't know what im meant to do !!

FabulousBakerGirl Mon 01-Jun-09 20:35:31

I think you are cutting your nose off to spite your face and I have also told DH I am not going to initiate sex as I am fed up and upset with him saying no.

We talked. And while we both would like more sex, we are very happy together.

lilacclaire Mon 01-Jun-09 20:36:51

Thing is, he wouldn't like more sex.

Im off to do some college work, will check back later.

plimple Mon 01-Jun-09 20:42:11

Get a vibrator?
My Dp has a higher sex drive than me and I'd prefer it if he just had a wank! I am pregnant at the moment though and I do love him a lot and sex with him a lot and give him lots of kisses. If the sex is good, but the rejection is the problem just stop asking for it so often?

lizzyboo Mon 01-Jun-09 20:51:27

God, just do it yourself, leave the poor bloke alone, sure you can hit the spot quicker and with more efficiency yourself.

lilacclaire Mon 01-Jun-09 21:06:41

I have a vibrator, its not about being quicker or more efficient!!

jaydulwich Mon 01-Jun-09 22:10:10

Message withdrawn

lilacclaire Mon 01-Jun-09 22:20:02

Thanks for sharing jay, at least i know im not alone!
It makes me feel like shit, i'll ask if its anything i've done/changed/tried everything, I really can't cope with the rejection anymore.

LeonieSoSleepy Mon 01-Jun-09 22:28:02

Message withdrawn

lilacclaire Mon 01-Jun-09 22:47:24

Leonie, I don't think there will be any other responses other than the get over it and get a vibrator tbh!

jaydulwich Mon 01-Jun-09 22:50:27

Message withdrawn

LaurieFairyCake Mon 01-Jun-09 22:53:32

It's got nothing to do with sex. You are perceiving him not wanting sex as rejection and allowing it to affect your self-esteem.

You need to work on you (not with a vibrator grin) by finding activities with each other that support each others self-esteem, playing a game, shared time, shared interests etc. And by working solely on yourself (again, not masturbation) by doing self-esteem boosting activities.

Self-esteem is not fixed by someone shagging you.

jaydulwich Mon 01-Jun-09 22:53:36

Message withdrawn

LaurieFairyCake Mon 01-Jun-09 22:55:01


what makes you think he doesn't want you? just cos he has a lower sex drive? does he want you in other ways - do you have good intimacy/fun together.

Are there other ways he can support you?

SameBoatAsYou Mon 01-Jun-09 23:03:56

I can't believe I am alone.

For 10 years I have barely been successful in itiating sex. I have felt humiliated. Demoralised. Rejected. All the things in your OP.

We tried talking - more than once. The last time was about 5-6years ago. He told me bluntly
"you just don't turn me on". I was devastated - but didn't give up trying. 4 years ago I tried my hardest. He wasn't interested. I cried myself to sleep most nights for nearly 3m. I decided that I could not put myself in that position ever again. I decided I either had to leave or else NEVER try to initiate sex again. It is less upsetting to want sex but not get it than to try and get sex and be physcially pushed away. I chose the latter.

For a couple of years it was a positive thing - in so much as it can be positive. It was like a relief. Now it is getting dull and boring, and it is starting to hurt when I want sex - just laying and waiting and hoping he wants sex too.

I though that he would have asked why I never initiate sex by now but her just couldn't care less. At the moment in particular I feel so low about it. I just have no place to go. I feel "reassured" in a strange sense that I am not alone.

Oh and I don't do masterbation in any way. I am not totally against it but - it should be used to supplement a healthy relationship IMO - something I lack.

SameBoatAsYou Mon 01-Jun-09 23:10:39

Sorry first line should have read "I can't believe I a NOT alone"

Niftyblue Mon 01-Jun-09 23:12:07

There was apost a few weeks ago very similar to you sameboatasyou
You are not alone
dadwithnoname and wildhorses were saying the same sad

Notreallyme001 Mon 01-Jun-09 23:16:23

just checking name change has worked

EvenBetaDad Mon 01-Jun-09 23:23:46

lilacclaire - I am wondering whether there is a physical, emotional, hormonal or situational reason for your DHs relatively low sex drive for a man.

I used to be the same as yor DH until quite recently. I knew I was very ill though and wanted to get better and in the meantime try to initiate intimate contact as often as I could with my wife. Even if I could not face full penetrative sex or even reach orgasm myself.

Have you spoken to your DH honestly and tried to find out why he has a low sex drive? If you can find out and he can take steps to deal with it he and you wil be happier. Is he worried about his performance, not pleasing you, is he ill, is he stressed at work, using drugs or alcohol, lack of physical fitness, is there someting in your relationship?

In the meantime, whle you are dealing with resolving the problem, explain how unhappy you are, ask him whether he would be happy maintain some more regular form of intimate cntact with you that you could enjoy but he did not feel he had to do more than just kiss, cuddle and touch you or even reach orgasm himself?

jaydulwich Mon 01-Jun-09 23:24:04

Message withdrawn

jaydulwich Mon 01-Jun-09 23:27:11

* oop
im so sad about this

Notreallyme001 Mon 01-Jun-09 23:28:37

Ok, at the risk of being flamed into oblivion here I wanted to just post a response from the other side.
I am in the opposite position with my DH. I love him a lot but we have had quite a few problems and our marriage suffered enormously as a result. (Some alcohol related and others I won't go into).
The end result is that I never really feel like sex with him any more and it's very distressing.

I love him (perhaps not as much as before but I definitely still love him) and he is a wonderful husband (now) and a truly amazing father. His children adore him and I couldn't contemplate a situation where I leave and take them away from each other.

So I'm really TRYING so hard to make it work. I am not looking at anyone else, I have no desire to leave, all I want is to be back in love with my DH again. But, so much damage was done that we lost something along the way.

That said, we have recovered enough to be very close in every other way, have fun together and we talk a lot. I just wanted to say that he could probably relate very closely to OP's post, but it's immensely hard for me too as I am trying everything to get the intimacy and the desire that i used to feel back but I don't know how.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that speaking from the other side of the debate, sometimes that's just as distressing. sad

I'm hoping that we will find what we lost, in the meantime I have asked him to back off a little and give me some space to try. sad

jaydulwich Mon 01-Jun-09 23:34:29

Message withdrawn

lilacclaire Tue 02-Jun-09 08:43:26

I know the problems are physical on his part (I think), smokes weed, alcohol, is a bit overweight.
He doesn't care though, he would rather have these things than a healthy sex life.
We have talked and talked and i've tried everything!
I just feel that at 33, im too young to have such a crap sex life. He's only a couple of years older.
I really love him and I know he loves me, but obviously not enough to do anything about it.
I get pissed off now when he tries to initiate sex as Im expected to comply and usually do as im gagging! It leaves me feeling cheap and demoralised, like a dog begging for scraps, thus I would rather just not.

EvenBetaDad Tue 02-Jun-09 09:46:53

lilacclaire - yes the weed, alcool and being overweight is the underlying reason for his lack of sex drive. No doubt at all. Getting him to want to do something about that to solve that physical problem (i.e get off the drugs, cut right back to under 21 units of alcohol per week, and getting down the gym) is what you need to do with him.

Your feelings of being cheap, demoralised, begging for scraps are totally understandable. Everyone in your position (man or woman) would feel exactly the same.

Your Dh seems to have very low esteem of himself. Do you know why that is?

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