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DP burrying head in sand ALL THE TIME

(19 Posts)
SunBurntandAble Mon 01-Jun-09 15:01:35

We had an incident at the weekend.

Basically DSD doesn't get on with her mother and tries to see her as little as possible. She's 12.

Anyway, last week, her mother contacted DP and asked if she could take their DD out on Saturday. DP said no as we had plans. She said she would take her on the sunday then as she needed to see her. To be fair, the woman see's her DD very little indeed so IMO any contact should be encouraged. DP agreed on the Sunday.

However, he neglected to tell DSD this, afraid of the fallout.

So late last week, DSD asks if she can go to a swimming thing on Sunday. DP agrees. I assumed of course that her mother's visit had been cancelled but I stayed out of it.

Friday came = DSD fully arranged the sunday swimming event, arranging for friends etc to go too ... everyone was all excited, as far as she knew, it was all sorted.

So imagine her horror when Saturday night, her mother texts her to ask what time she should pick her up on Sunday!

DSD asks DP what is going on, DP reluctantly tells her that she's supposed to be going out with her mother on Sunday.

This annoyed me because he saw her arranging this swimming thing, even agreed that she could go and knew all along it would have to be cancelled.

DSD understandably starts kicking off, crying, very upset ... DP says "well phone your mum and tell her you want to go swimming instead".

So she does.

5 minutes later, DSD comes downstairs crying and shouting how he she HATED her mother. Apparantly her mother had shouted at her, asked her why she didn't love her "I'm your mother, I should come first" etc etc before slamming the phone down on DSD.

DP sits down to watch the rugby. hmm

DSD says "what should I do? I really don't want to go"

DP carries on watching rugby, ignoring her.

DSD cries "Dad, I don't want to go, please phone her"

DP carries on watching rugby angry

I snap at this point and say "she is upset! can you help her sort this out??" and he sighs and says "just phone her again".

DSD understandably doesn't want to phone her again. DP darn't phone her either ... it all gets a bit ridiculous ... DP carries on watching rugby ...

Eventually I say "why on earth did you let her sort the swimming thing out when you knew her mother was taking her out??" and he replied "I know, it's my fault, I should have organised things a bit better"

hmm no shit sherlock.

I was so angry but this is so typical of him. He sticks his head in the sand instead of sorting stuff out and when it all blows up, he sits there watching TV.

maltesers Mon 01-Jun-09 15:16:49

Sounds like your DP deliberately didnt tell his DD so that when her mum told DD she was taking her out, the DD would hate her mum even more as she had spoilt her DDs' plans. If your DP agreed with his Ex about the Sunday then he should have told his DD asap to avoid upset all round.... stupid man. Or he should have just told his Ex to ask DD when would be a suitable day, not pounce it on the poor kid as the last minute !!

maltesers Mon 01-Jun-09 15:17:43

He seems more interested in the rugby than his DDs' feelings... and yes he is burrying his head...

TwoScrambled Mon 01-Jun-09 16:45:46

When she has calmed down could you talk to DSD and suggest she is the one to make arrangements with her mother, sell it to her as an adult thing to do, so she has control. Having control may help her to sort out her relationship with her mother on her terms rather than relying on your rather useless DP. It may be the best way forward for her.

FabulousBakerGirl Mon 01-Jun-09 16:49:17

Your partner is completely in the wrong here. I would ring the mother and explain what happened and say that the three of you will go out for a drink and a cake on **date@@@@ and sort something out.

Your oh needs to apologise to all of you too.

mamas12 Mon 01-Jun-09 22:19:51

v. passive agressive here. Think you should suggest:
1. Apologies to your dsd needed.
2. A calender on the fridge where all appointments and contact is put down.
3. Why didn't you gently point this out before now as you could see it coming?
4. Switch the bloody rugby off if important conversations are taking place.

SunBurntandAble Mon 01-Jun-09 22:37:50

You may have a point actually, saying he did it delibrately to show the mother in a bad light because the first thing he said when his DD got off the phone was "well, you know how selfish your mother is".

He is constantly going on about how terrible she is ... I personally thing he's terrified of losing DSD and wants her to hate her as much as possibly so that if it ever did go to court, she would choose to stay here.

What really annoyed me is that he told his DD to "phone her" after she'd already been shouted and screamed at ... then when I said "can't you do it for her?" he said "She'll have a go at me" hmm how the hell does he think DSD feels!

I really felt for her this weekend but I do feel for the mum too because I can't imagine being away from my kids 90% of the time whilst someone poisons them against me sad

Thing is, I'm getting the blame for it because the mum thinks I'm trying to take her dd away from her! I've tried my best to sstay out of the whole thing and I don't agree with the way DP calls her to DSD.

skidoodle Mon 01-Jun-09 23:09:08

Do you have any children with this asshole?

SunBurntandAble Mon 01-Jun-09 23:16:49

No I don't. He's not an arsehole tbh, I can see why it comes across that way but he's just terrified of losing his daughter. She is everything to him. I just wish he would look at the bigger picture and think of other people sometimes. It's not often I feel sorry for DSD when she's in a mood but I just wanted to hug her last weekend and sort it out for her. My hands are tied though at how much I can be involved. Her mum doesn't want me involved at all (which I can understand).

skidoodle Mon 01-Jun-09 23:29:54

Sorry, being terrified of losing your daughter doesn't even come close to an good enough excuse for deliberately causing trouble between her and her mother.

He is damaging one of the most important relationships in his daughter's life for his own selfish reasons. That is bad, bad, bad parenting.

What you are describing is so much worse than burying his head in the sand - he is causing trouble for a child at a particularly vulnerable age and then leaving her to deal with the emotional fallout by herself. It's unbelievably cruel for him to have put her in that situation and then refused to acknowledge it.

Why isn't she with her mother? Is she an even worse parent than your P?

How can you live with a man who deals with life in this way?

I feel really sorry for his ex and his daughter, and a little sorry for you. You are the only person in this mess who can walk away. I would give it some serious thought.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 01-Jun-09 23:32:32

What skidoodle said and I'll go further - you sound way too good and sorted for him.

SunBurntandAble Mon 01-Jun-09 23:36:11

I agree with you. Really I do ... I just see the fright in his face when his ex threatens him with court and I can't help but kind of understand why he does it. Not that it makes it right of course.

I cringe when he talks about her mum in front of her and I snap at him straight away when he talks about my ex in front of my kids. You're right, it is no way to parent ... He just doesnt seem capable of sacrificing his own wishes to do the right thing.

She doesn't live with her mother because she is worse tbh. She starts up conversations with DSD about how terrible her life is and how she wishes she could go back to before she was born and she'd never have kids etc ...

I really feel for DSD. TBH, I couldn't walk out now for that reason.

skidoodle Mon 01-Jun-09 23:55:32

Don't make dsd into an excuse for making your children grow up in a home with a step father like that.

There are other ways you can help her. In fact if you aren't connected to her father any more you might be able to offer her some neutral support. God knows, it sounds as though she needs it

maltesers Wed 03-Jun-09 11:54:36

Hopefully the DSD will be able to make her own arrangements in the future as she gets older...and then you DH isnt part of it.. then he cant mess it up. He needs to keep out of it, cos he is doing his best to get DD to hate her mother... crafty devil !

maltesers Wed 03-Jun-09 11:58:11

She needs her real mother to be part of her life... otherwise she is going to be a TERRIBLE teenagers !

MorrisZapp Wed 03-Jun-09 17:18:32

On one hand you say he's terrified about losing his DD as she means the world to him, but when his DD was crying and asking for his help he just ignored her and watched the rugby.

Is he a devoted dad or not? My own dad could no more ignore me crying than he could fly in the air.

I'd be worried that what he really wants is to stick it to his ex.

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 03-Jun-09 17:24:15

I agree with morris. A devoted dad would put his child first, not himself, and they sure as hell wouldn't do anything that they knew in advance would hurt or upset their child. Are you quite sure this is not a battle between them with the daughter as "first prize"?

FabulousBakerGirl Wed 03-Jun-09 17:25:28

There's fighting for your child and there's playing them off against each parent.

prettyfly1 Thu 04-Jun-09 17:40:57

I commented on your other thread but this sounds even worse - they both sound absolutely awful horrid people and yet you seem really nice (thank god for your dsd). Why dont you take your dsd out at the weekend and talk to her about how she feels about the situation and suggest she set a date to spend some time with her mum that she controls exclusively.

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