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This is the most selfish, self-indulgent stufff I have ever written.

(103 Posts)
twistedtempted Mon 01-Jun-09 14:47:00

Posted about this a few weeks ago, and I am so ashamed of myself because I pretty much ignored the advice.

Since being in touch with this man (was madly in love with him for yrs before dh), we have been emailing each other/flirting every day. I really don't want to cheat on dh. We have a seemingly perfect marriage; he is kind, a great father and we have everything in common.

But this how I am feeling at the moment...

I can't stop thinking about this other, it feels like I'm physically aching for him. He has been on my mind every second of the day to the point where I feel I can't think straight anymore. I can barely sleep, and spring out of bed eager to 'talk' to him again every day blush.

Have lost all interest in food, and feel like I'm just going through the motions of family life in a trance. Worst of all I can feel myself starting to resent dh. I feel ridiculously 'high' and sick at the same time, and spend most days in a daydream.

I love my life with dh and feel I have everything I ever wanted, and would never want to lose that, but I also feel quite trapped by it all too?!

I don't want an affair, I really just crave one eveining spent with this man, like it used to be before, and I feel gutted that I can't. How pathetically spoilt does that sound?

I love dh with all my heart but have never experienced that 'butterflies in stomach' feeling with him - feels so trecherous just writing that!

I seriously doubt me and the other man would ever have a proper relationship so it's not as though I can imgaine that. He represents all of the fun I used to have before...and I want some of that back too. sad

Surely I should never even think these things if I truly love dh?

I know I am being a horrible person, my head is a total mess.

IDidntRaiseAThief Mon 01-Jun-09 14:49:12

are you a reg poster

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 01-Jun-09 14:49:58

Everyone has fantasies from time to time, many people have crushes. What you describe sounds very much like a massive crush!

Take the man out of it - what experiences are you craving? Find a way to have them with your husband.

twistedtempted Mon 01-Jun-09 14:50:13


Greensleeves Mon 01-Jun-09 14:50:31

You're not being selfish or self-indulgent in writing this down (I have written MUCH worse grin) or in how you feel. You're in an awful situation and you must feel torn in two.

BUT you know you can't do anything, it would be madness and you would be pissing away your current life and your children's security. You need to try and separate the two set of feelings in your mind - if you hadnt got back in touch with this bloke, would you be discontented with your dh? Is there anything you could do to work on that relationship and improve it? Or do you want to leave? If you want to leave, you need to o it because you want to leave HIM, not because you want to leave for someone else. IMO.

I don't think you're a horrible person. You haven't done anything. DON'T!!!!!!

squeaver Mon 01-Jun-09 14:50:46

Didn't see your original thread but I suspect you need to take another look at all the advice you ignored on there.

I hope you've not come on here to find people who will sympathise, because I very much doubt that's going to happen.

Sorry, I'm sure that's not what you want to read.

FabulousBakerGirl Mon 01-Jun-09 14:51:47

You are me.

I have felt the same.

End it now. It is the only way. You can't be friends with someone you want to shag.

I am lucky I am married to who I am as anyone else would have left me.

You are hurting yourself and no good can come of it.

Hecate is right. I just sent DH a naughy email grinwinkblush

KristinaM Mon 01-Jun-09 14:51:51

thinking or feeling anything isnt right or wrong, good or bad

you are not a horrible person to feel this way

but I'm not sure you would be a WISE person to act upon them

you know that you simply CANT have one evening with this man and not risk your marriage and family

please dont do it

sorry i dont want to sounds unsympathetic

IDidntRaiseAThief Mon 01-Jun-09 14:54:53

just sounded familiar, thats all. There is a reg who is on here and I have read lots of how she really seems in a quandry. She also sounds really upset all the time.

Not a great place to be. I suppose it's like a crush, and theonly way to stop it is to stop it.

PMSLBrokeMN Mon 01-Jun-09 14:55:37

What FBG said. You feel high and sick because somewhere inside you know it's wrong, I felt the same about someone and ended up having evil panic attacks.

I really really sympathise, I know what it's like, but you know you have to stop this for everyones' sake.

helsbels4 Mon 01-Jun-09 14:55:46

Isn't it the thrill of having something you can't or shouldn't have, that often prompts people to start affairs?

It's exciting and dangerous and all that, especially if everything is very settled and "boring" at home.

Is this man worth losing your dh over and disrupting your dc's?

If the answer is yes then you don't love your dh but if the answer is no then you should walk away while you still can.

You're certainly not a horrible person for having these thoughts though smile

slushy06 Mon 01-Jun-09 14:58:40

I felt a bit like this last September I broke of contact with said person. The feelings passed by xmas and now I am madly in love with dp again and it almost restarted the spark. I would not contact this man any more.

twistedtempted Mon 01-Jun-09 15:00:05

Thanks for being so kind - I'm not after sympathy.

I know what I shouldn't do and can't imagine myself doing it. I think I've always felt deep down that dh has never made me feel the way some people describe that first flush of love etc

He is not worth ruining my current life over, but at the same time if there is something missing between me and dh how can I reconcile myself with that?

twistedtempted Mon 01-Jun-09 15:01:36

Hecate - what if my dh just isn't able to make me feel that way?

SusieDerkins Mon 01-Jun-09 15:07:25

Why don't you end it with your dh and go off with this man?

Because he's just a fantasy?

Because you know he's not a patch on your dh?

Because you know what massive damage you will inflict on everyone involved?

Because he won't make you happy?

Because he'll cheat on you within 3 months and you'll be on your own?

You are at very real risk of throwing everything away over a school girl crush. If you want to have an affair then go ahead but just be ready for the fallout. If you don't then let it drop and make the most of your life. You aren't being fair on your dh at all.

maltesers Mon 01-Jun-09 15:07:34

I have been through exactly the same feelings Twisted t and its very hard to let those feelings go. In the end i did it all wrong and left my dh... that was 1994 and the kids were tiny... I should have just left him with no one else in the background. Sadly i went about it the Affair way and it caused great animosity...
Never mind a crush... i reckon you are in love / or lust. Do you reckon it might fade in time.

twistedtempted Mon 01-Jun-09 15:20:07

Susiederkins - you are right about all of those things, I know that.

Malteser - The feelings haven't faded in 14 years!

maltesers Mon 01-Jun-09 15:21:37

wow, you really do like this guy.....huh ??
What do you think you will do ??

HappyWoman Mon 01-Jun-09 15:21:53

you are not a bad person for feeling these things.

You say you love your dh - do you love him enough to tell him he has never given you butterflies in the tummy???

Imagine your dh having the same feelings you are now about another woman...........

The worst thing about all this is you are doing nothing.

Either be kind to your dh and tell him how you feel and try and bring back that spark or follow what you think your heart is telling you and go off with the other man.

You are feeling resentful about your h because you are already justifying what you know is wrong to yourself.

Here is another take on it though.

I have had feelings like yours but put my h first. Then when he had his affair i felt doubly cheated because i had missed my chance of a bit of excitment.

I still dont think i am the type of person who could actually have an affair - as i think i am sometimes just too honest and would not be able to keep up the lies tbh. But i do wonder if given the chance again whether i would be more honest with my h and say i wanted to have a shag.
You do only get one life and you owe it to yourself to be true - BUT you can do that without the lies and the cheating.

I say tell your h about how you feel and try and get some spark going.

HappyWoman Mon 01-Jun-09 15:24:24

what you are thinking of doing is wrong if you want to have your cake and eat it though.

Its a great boost to know that 2 men want you - imagine just how your h will think about you though if you carry out your fantasy.

maltesers Mon 01-Jun-09 15:26:40

HAPPY WOMAN .. They say IF IN DOUBT DO NOTHING ...and i think that is best at present for TT. With any big decision in life comes a sacrifice......Careful what you suggest ...!

twistedtempted Mon 01-Jun-09 15:33:47

You know, I would be happy just to see him, spend time with him and nothing else iyswim?

My dh doesn't deserve any of this - he would be devestated and livid if he knew.

noddyholder Mon 01-Jun-09 15:41:35

What would happen if you did see him?It could go either way You could get a real 'what was all the angst about'moment which would be great or you could feel as you do atm and destroy what you have.Either way the solution lies with you and the relationship you are in now.Transfer all your efforts to this or let your dh go because whether the om is interested in a relationship with you or not you sound like you are looking for the big love.Your dh has a right to be happy too.How does he feel about you?Does he say you have never made his heart thump and would you be hurt if he did?

FabulousBakerGirl Mon 01-Jun-09 15:43:30

The one I lost my head over, I have loved him for 22 years. Bloody long time and a bit shocking it is that long tbh.

twistedtempted Mon 01-Jun-09 15:50:47

Wow fbg, so you do know how I feel?

Leaving my dh is just not an option, I know it would be completely stupid and pointless becuase I would end up very unhappy.

In a way I think seeing the om would help me to get over it - I realise that is a bit hmm.

Almost like, if I had a 'dose' of him it would be enough. GOd that sounds really stupid doesn't it?

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