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New (unplanned) baby for mummys boy

(10 Posts)
Worrier28 Sun 31-May-09 18:14:06

Just looking for a bit of advice, I got pregnant 3 months into a new relationship which has now ended. I have stage 4 endometriosis and was taking my pill (not at the same time) and got pregnant. My baby's father said it was my decision but made my life hell throughout the pregnancy. He lives at home and is a self confessed mothers boy, she is very controlling and manipulative, he is very passive aggressive. We have split and I want him to have a relationship with his son (he lives on the other side of London)and has no experience with babies. Not sure what is the best way to arrange access without feeling akward? As I suspect his mum doesn't like him being around me. Sorry if this post doesn't make sense, no time to proof read - wonder if anyone can help. His dad is very on/off with me, all very upsetting.

Worrier28 Sun 31-May-09 18:14:49


madameovary Sun 31-May-09 18:40:04

Please dont take this the wrong way but it sounds like your life would be so much better off without him.
Has he pushed for access? Would he contribute anything by way of maintenance?
Do you have other supports/family/friends? You really need positive and encouraging people around you at this time, and his parents sound horrendous.

I do understand why you want your baby to have a father tho, and hope you can find way to get what you want that benefits you and your little boy.

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 18:42:32


I can identify you because a similar thing happened to me. I broke up with dd's dad while pregnant. He also made my life hell during pregnancy. They do get frightened but there is no excuse for emotional abuse.

Will he talk about access with you? You can't force him to have a relationship with hsi son unfortunately. The ball is in his court. Just believe you will do an excellent job with or without him. If he comes round then it's a bonus- if not then his loss and you will spare yourself dealing with mummy's boy.

With regards to his mum- I would thank your lucky star that you are not together with him tbh. She may manipulate him to have nothing to do with you and ds but is taht a bad thing is he is like that? Again, only he can decide to break free of her controlling ways. That is HIS baggage and only he can decide not to listen. Don't let her get to you- you have a georgeous baby.

They are probably upst that you two were not in a more stable relationship and that's why they are acting up but hey ho that's life. Babies don't always come when planned - more often they come when they are ready- not us!

Worrier28 Sun 31-May-09 18:53:55

I should have come on here when I was pregnant, your messages have been such hekp. Unfortunately he was with his ex for 8 years and split because he didn't want kids yet, something I did no know when we got together (she was never mentioned). He often accuses me indirectly of trapping him, when my son was born he bonded really well, his mother stuck her oar in and things are strained again. Him and his mum are the types who want to be seen to do the right thing, he has asked me how much I want a month. As for access, I feel he wants to but his mum wants him around me as little as possible - they are christians.

He has made me feel like crap but I think I need to break free now.

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 19:19:12

Oh dear- it sounds like a difficult situation. Your ex really needs to grow a backbone and stand up to his mum. If he can't then it is his problem. Mabe religion has something to do with it? Who knows? Whatever the reason it is their problem.
I used to feel guilty for ''trapping'' my ex. Is he trapped- not a bit- they can come and go as they please. You have the main responsibility.
I would try and let go of this man and his mum. Ok- his mum may try and ruin his relationship with your son but it seems like sdaly a lot of MIL are difficult- at least you are not married to him and therefore obliged to spend time with her.
Try and enjoy your son. I know it is hard if you want your boy to have a dad- you are clearly a good mum and want the best for him but whatever happens he will be fine if his dad decides to pull his wieght or not.

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 19:20:59

It also sounds like he is still a boy himself- as was my ex. That's why he is still a mummy's boy. He needs to grow up in his own time.
You will do a great job. hugs.

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 19:23:33

Am also angry that the MIL is not behaving in a very Christian way! She should be encouraging him to face his responsibilities. She is a cow!

Worrier28 Sun 31-May-09 19:43:38

I think she thinks he is her husband and he is yet to realise how unhealthy their relationshio is.

RedCharityBonney Sun 31-May-09 20:23:07

If you get the dad on board you also get the MIL as part of a package deal. I'd run a million miles myself ......

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