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Do I cut contact all together and stop him from seeing his dd? complex.

(14 Posts)
poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 08:41:10

Some of you may know my story but i'll recap.
DD's dad is half Greek and half Iranian. We wwere only together for six months when I fell pregnant and although I was happy he wanted me to have a termination. He told me he'd leave me if I didn't. I refused and decided if he was going to be like that he could f* off anyway.
During my pregnancy he kept blowing hot and cold and just when I thought he was starting to come round he went to Iran to deal with ''family issues''. Not surprisingly he is still there and he tells me it is because his passport has run out. I think this could be probable but also know this could be an excuse. I know that Iran is dodgy as anything and immigration is tight.
He has never seen dd but I have sent photos and he is besotted (he says). He deeply regrets his decision, is apologetic, says he dreams about her, has tried (and failed) to send money, he thinks she is georgeous and wants to see her grow up. I think the fact that he can't is bad karma for him.
I am well aware he could be lying and I kn ow longer know what to believe. For me the truth is irrelevant as I know longer want a relationship with him. I can't forgive him for the abuse he gave me when pregnant. He may be sorry now but it's too late.
I think it would be easier if he didn't return for a reason which is really worrying me. I am worried that if he ever comes back he will try to take dd out of the country to either Greece or Iran and if that happens i'll be buggered. I have already been to a solicitor to research this eventuality. The other day a family friend visited and told me I should cut contact with him altogether. She thinks that I should stop sending photos by e-mail, I should stop answering his very infrequent calls. She thinks I should forget about him. But I still want him to have a chance to be a relationship with dd if he does return. If I stopped her from seeing him if he did return she would never forgive me.
I would of course take precautions and have supervised contact etc but I think I should give him a chance don't you?
Chances are he won't return and then I can breathe a sigh of relief.

I am so pissed off that he is dd's dad (although I wouldn't change her) I keep beating myself up for getting in this mess. I am sick of finding my relationships so difficult and destructive and I just feel like I have given up on love. Totally fed up with myself. sad

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 08:43:22

no longer sorry blush

HolyGuacamole Sun 31-May-09 09:06:20

I don't know what you should do about the contact issue as I have no knowledge of stuff like that.

However, I just wanted to say, stop beating yourself up, you sound like you are doing a great job and you have your little ones best interests at heart. Forget about 'love' for the moment and get yourself sorted out. It is easy to regret past, destructive relationships but actually I think that they give you important lessons to learn from (unfortunately). In the future, when you do meet a fantastic guy, you will see this and you will forget all the idiots that made you feel like crap smile

Don't fret on the things you cannot change. Instead, work on the positive changes that you can make to benefit you in times to come, that is the best that you can do.

Wishing you luck with the ex situation.

cissycharlton Sun 31-May-09 09:12:01

I don't think your friend has the right to a say in your daughter's future relationship with her father.

Nobody other than you can make such a difficult decision as whatever you decide will have huge consequences for your daughter.

Your friend may feel she is helping you and protecting you by assuring you that it's OK to cut this man out of your life but to do so is to deny a child of her father. That may well be the best decision but as I've already said only you can make that choice.

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 09:19:55

Thanks for your replies.

Yes, I feel that the friend has no right to tell me what to do with regards to this either.
I know what the risks are so I will be careful- I will obviously never let them alone together. That makes me sad that I cannot trust him to do so as I would love them to go off and have fun together but I cannot risk it. sad I could never deny dd the chance to know her father. That would really hurt her.

I will forget about love until I love myslef more.

FiveGoMadInDorset Sun 31-May-09 09:29:29

At the end of the day he is your DD's father and she has a right to know him and then make up her own mind, (I have seen what can happen to children when they are not allowed to see a parent)but you are quite right for it to be supervised.

FabulousBakerGirl Sun 31-May-09 09:32:34

Get legal advise.

DOn't let him have any documents which will enable him to get her a pssport.

Don't leave them alone together.

Don't volunteer emails, photos, calls and just be civil and fair if he contacts you.

A child won't always blame the other parent for stopping the other one being in their life...

mrsboogie Sun 31-May-09 11:21:16

You are doing the right thing by your daughter - lots of people get pregnant by accident, regret it and say they don't want it but then go on to have a baby they love very much. He didn't treat you very well but its not enough of a reason to cut him out of her life - she didn't do anything to lose her father. He may not deserve her but she deserves a daddy however remote.

You are right to be worried about him taking her - if he got her to Iran you would probably never see her again. Does he know where you live? If he only had a mobile number for you and didn't know your address it would be better.

Oh and if you remain in contact with him at least you will know what he is up to and where he is - so you can relax knowing he is still over there.

Alambil Sun 31-May-09 11:23:38

Give a set time for returning with her - if he is late, ring police and report an abduction

That is the advice my barrister gave me when I had the same fears with my DS

Were you married when she was born? Is he on the birth certificate?

BBisfinallyPG Sun 31-May-09 11:26:26

if it were me my instinct would be not to give him any control of DD, not to say he cannot see her if he returned to the UK, but i couldnt run the risk of abduction, so no access to papers, no legal documents, i would be very tempted to not have registered him as the dad on birht cert (which i presume if you arent married, you didnt, as he would have needed to be there to be named?).

I may sound callous but I speak from experience as my best friends brother was abducted by his biological father, who was literally stopped as he was bording the plane to his native of turkey. none of us would have ever seen her DB again, and it just isnt worth that risk.

also surely if he really was besotted he would be making every effort to get back to the uk to see her, not calling "infrequently" and relying on your generosity of spirit for photo's?

i think that what you are doing is just fine, and the ball is in his court.

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 14:36:53

Thanks again.

I know this is callous but I really, really hope that he never gets in contact again. At least I can make a fresh start and dd will know that I didn't stop him from seeing her. Poor little bean. sad

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 14:41:10

Apparently he has been lobbying the Iranian embassy to get him out of the country and has even ended up in prison from escaping illegally. He's not on the birth certificate as he wasn't present when we registered.

I have the feeling that my troubles with him are far from over. sad

poshsinglemum Sun 31-May-09 14:42:54

Does anyone know if I can bar dd from entering certain countries such as Iran? I will ask my solicitor next week.

fuzzywuzzy Sun 31-May-09 14:45:50

you could apply for a prohibitive steps order, but I'm not sure if a judge would pass it as he's never threatened to remove your child from your care.

Keep all paperwork under lock and key and see how things go, he'll prolly never leave Iran.

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