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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do i get over him?

33 replies

juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 21:05

I have been with my partner for 2 years (not married) recently i have found text messages on his mobile phone to and from his ex wife, hers to him saying how much she loves him too, and him to her saying how he loves them all (meaning her and the kids) and how he will try and see her later. Obviously this is all going on behind my back, he always said he would tell me if he heard from her but i know he has been speaking to her alot recently without telling me as well. we have argued alot over this recently and he denies anything is going on. Am i stupid here?

The last text message that came through (he didnt tell me about again) i questioned him yet again, and all he could say its not what you think. I said explain to me then what it means, he said no. Packed his bags within 10 minuites and left me, he said i cant live with you anymore, you dont trust me. This was three weeks ago, im 29 weeks pregnant with his baby, i love him so so much even though what he has done to me. i cant stop thinking about him, and the thought of him with her is killing me. i have tried talking to him to work it out for us and the baby but all he is saying is no its over, you had your chances, you dont trust me and you never will. he doesnt want to know me anymore, or doesnt seem to care. He still wont admit anything is going on with his ex wife either. he has changed so much towards me is the last couple of weeks but i love him. What can i do?

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lilsmum · 07/05/2005 21:10

sorry you are going through this....what a pig!! trust has to be earned imo, and he sooo hasnt earned it, how are you supposed to trust him, when he is texting his ex-wife!!

i know it is easier said than done, but just concentrate on you and your baby, leave him to rot, more like he has had his chance...if it was me i certainly wouldnt ask him back, or even contact him, let him wallow!!

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 21:16

does it sound to you he has been cheating on me with her? He denies it all and said it is all in my mind. Do you think i am in the wrong here? Sorry but he has confused me and brain washed me that many times i dont know anymore.

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Nimme · 07/05/2005 21:16

Sounds to me as though he was looking for excuse to pack his bags. You really don't want him if he doesn't want you - harsh I know but true I think.

You have yourself and a gorgeous baby-to-be to think about - perhaps you shold just concentrate on that for now and leave him be (he'll come back if he want's to - whether you'll then have him back is another matter)

BIG HUG

Nimme · 07/05/2005 21:18

Impossible to know based on a few texts - really sounds as if you need a bit of distance to clear your head and just focus on you and bump!

sansouci · 07/05/2005 21:22

Can't you confront him? Admit you've been reading his damned messages & tell his he's a goddam liar? Sorry for the foul language but I ache for you. It's bad enough being hurt by a man you're in love with but to be pg by him as well is pretty tough. Keep posting. One day you won't love him any more, it won't hurt any more.

lilsmum · 07/05/2005 21:25

btw.. NEVER think you are in the wrong here, its him not you! men have a great way of turning the guilt back on the woman....keep your chin up honey, your health and your baby's health are much more important, he doesnt deserve you

soapbox · 07/05/2005 21:27

Jackie - did he leave her for you???

Just wondering if there is more to the background here??

juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 21:33

that's what i did, i did confront him i took his mobile phone to him with the message on it that came from her that morning (he didnt tell me about) and said to him what is this? Thats when he said its not what you think, we argued for about 5 minutes, he still wouldnt explain it. It said i love you to him from her.

He said im not doing this anymore and packed his bags and was gone in 10 mins. i have rang him and texted him everyday for the past 3 weeks since he has left me.i have asked him crying down the phone to him cause i love him so much to come back, he doesnt want to know me. He hasnt bothered ringing me or getting in contact with me once.

all he says is its over. I dont want it to be over but he obviously doesnt want me. im really hurting so much. i love him to bits.

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juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 21:33

Hi soapbox, yes he did leave her for me. Why?

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tammybear · 07/05/2005 21:35

where has he gone to stay?

soapbox · 07/05/2005 21:36

Jackie - I'm sorry to say this, but I think if a man is capable of cheating on his wife then he is capable of cheating on his mistress too!

I suspect that guilt has a lot to do with why he has gone back to his wife.

I wouldn't assume that its the end of your story with him yet - you will need to be patient and see how it plays out. His exW has clearly gone for the long game - I suspect its your turn now

juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 21:38

he is staying at his parents house, i know that for sure. because i went round there to check a few times.

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sansouci · 07/05/2005 21:40

For your own sake, please don't ring him. It's humiliating for you & it won't change his mind. I speak from experience. I've been hurt often & badly, which is why I am so sympathetic! It won't make you feel better if we tell you he's an arsehole, to forget him, etc. The only thing that will make you better is the passing of time and the arrival of your baby. Keep busy, pamper yourself & direct the love to the baby.

soapbox · 07/05/2005 21:41

Well that means that he is possibly taking some time out while he makes a decision as to what he is going to do longer term.

Alternatively - and more likely - his exw will have told him that he can't just expect to walk straight back from his life with you into his families life again. She is probably making him go through some 'courtship' or dating period before they get properly back together.

If you look at the threads on here from women whose husbands have left them for some one else, when they get back together again they have all insisted on this 'getting to know each other again' phase.

As I said, its early days yet!

lilsmum · 07/05/2005 21:43

some good advice here (better than mine anyway lol)

take it

good luck, think of that little bundle of love you will have in your arms soon.xxxxxxxx

tammybear · 07/05/2005 21:43

i think if they were wanting to get back together, he would have gone straight to her, no?

sorry i dont really know what to make of it, except none of this is your fault hun. just concentrate on you and your baby. maybe hes just confused if hes got his exW telling him she loves him. but you said he said that he loves them all to her is that right? and when he said that he'll try to see her later, did he mean to see the kids? and are the kids his?

mind if i ask what the last text was? was it the i love you one from her to him?

juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 21:45

thank you all for replying,

She has always been really nice to him even though he did walk out on her for me, if i were her i would have gone mad but obviously she had her reasons to be extra nice to him. She wanted him back! and by the sounds of it would do anything to get him back.
All his family hated her, and i know they did. He and his family used to tell me how unhappy he was for years and years and only stayed with her because of the kids.

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juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 21:54

Hi tammybear,

One of the texts from him to her was Morning XXXXXX(her name) i have just left home, i will try and see you later, love you all. XXXX

the last text that came through was from her (the one where he walked out on me said), What kept you awake last night, hope your days gets better, love you too XXX

We had abit of a late night that night because we had a argument, how did she know???

Yes they are his kids.

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soapbox · 07/05/2005 21:57

Tammybear- I don't think many women would let their husbands move straight back in without any time for reflection.

They need to be sure that it really is over with the 'other woman' before letting them back into their lives. They are trying to protect their children from daddy coming home and then buggering off again!

I think 6 months seems to be the norm before they move back home again!

Jackie- if his family hate her then being at his parents house may mean it is better news for you than her at the moment!

But most parents will side with what ever makes their DS's happy

tammybear · 07/05/2005 22:01

not knowing your situation, im just giving you my view on what you've said, so correct me if im wrong. i think if hes saying love you all doesnt necessarily mean he loves her. but then saying that if she has said love you too, is that after the love you all? have you seen him sent a message saying i love you specifically for her? and if hes going over there, he may just be seeing the kids?

i think perhaps he left so he could clear his head, as he has both you and his exW clouding his head in a sense, as hes with you, but still has her telling him he loves her, so perhaps hes just very confused?

I agree with sansouci that you should not call him now. Give him some space so he can figure out what he wants. After all, you wouldnt want him to come back to you just out of guilt would you? Ive been in a similar situation before, and it is very difficult, but you've go to try and be strong for yourself and your baby. I can understand it being difficult for you, have you got family and friends for support?

juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 22:07

thank you all for your replies, after talking with you all it seems i am not the only one who thinks he has been seeing her behind my back.

i will have to try and be strong for my baby and i will try to take your advice sansouci and not chase him and make myself look desperate anymore. Its so hard because i really do love him and it hurts so much. i feel so alone and down. xxxxxx

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juniorandjackie · 07/05/2005 22:13

Tammybear,

the two texts i have explained are not linked at all. they were sent about a month apart.

I havent seen a text just to her from him saying i love you. it was a text saying love you all from him to her.

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AnnaInManchester · 07/05/2005 23:17

Oh Jackie, I really sympathise with u. I'm going thru pretty much same thing (my b/f left his long term partner,and now he has gone back to her and suspect I may be preggers. Read my post for more info. Please do not call him. Dont lose all your pride in calling him. If he doesnt hear from u for a while, he may think 'hang on, shes getting on with her life without me' and then realise what he had with u and how much he misses u. He sounds like a right pig though, but your future baby needs his/her momma so give all your love and attention the her/him when it comes along. Good luck and you will get over him, trust me!!!
Annabelle xxx

AnnaInManchester · 08/05/2005 13:09

Hows it going Jackie?

juniorandjackie · 08/05/2005 13:40

Hi anna, woke up this morning feeling very down yet again, been crying again all morning. i havent rang or text him though today, am going to try so hard not to. the thing is he wont bother calling me i know that because he hasnt once in the 3 weeks since he has gone.

i have read your thread, im sorry to here what has happened to you too. He isnt worth it either, you are better off without him. its seems he is just stringing you along all the time and doesnt have any intentions of leaving her for you. Are you glad your not pregnant then? At least you havent got to bring up a child on your own, unlike me.

i dont know what to do, cant see me getting over him, i love him so much.

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