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please hold my hand today sisters, trying not to cry at work

(52 Posts)
sparkybint Fri 29-May-09 09:49:11

So yet another relationship bites the dust and this time I thought it was for keeps...Met lovely DP a year ago after horrid divorce and after 4 months we were engaged. It was long distance and very hard but I thought I really knew him and that we were so in love.

This morning, after me not being able to get hold of him last night and sending more texts than I usually do, he tells me he's really annoyed with my behaviour and that I'm too intense. When I asked him to explain a bit more it all came out; he could never live with me and doesn't really know what he wants. I've cancelled my plans to see him this weekend and told him that given the nature of his true feelings for me, we have no future. It sounds like he'd be happy to have a casual thing (despite him asking me to marry him!) but that's not for me, especially when he lives so far away. I don't want to be with anyone 24/7 right now but I do want something committed that has a future.

Part of me is relieved that I don't have to do the 8 hour round-trip to see him anymore but I'm gutted because I really felt that he cared for me and would never let me go (he himself said a while ago that we must never lose eachother). I'm 51 and have had such a history of unhappy relationships and I thought this one was really meant to be. I know I'll survive but I need you to tell me I will and that women can be happy and fulfilled on their own. I'd love a man in my life but will give myself a few months off after this. I'm telling myself that despite my age I look and feel great and will have a relationship again but that if I don't I can still be happy because I have so much in my life, not least my wonderful 9 year-old daughter. Off to the bog now to have a blub...

BoysAreLikeDogs Fri 29-May-09 09:51:49


tattycoram Fri 29-May-09 09:54:23

Oh Sparky sad. Only one day more of work - probably about seven hours? I'm really sorry - have a big hug.

Stories of women meeting partners later in life.... my mum met her lovely lovely partner when she was about 55 iirc. He's fab. She hadn't had a relationship for about six years before she met him (following a bit of a disaster). There absolutely is hope. Oh another friend of mine and DH is loved up with new partner at 50. Honestly, this is not the end for you. Give yourself a bit of time and you'll see. Make sure you plan some nice things this weekend too xxx

Unicornvomit Fri 29-May-09 09:55:16

oh you poor thing

take care of yourself, enjoy being with your DD... treat yourself to something and lay off the dating for a while.

<<offers hand>>

sparkybint Fri 29-May-09 10:21:38

thank you lovlies, and your tales of hope tattycoram (how did your mum meet her DP?) x

prettyfly1 Fri 29-May-09 10:42:10

Hi Sparky.

Another story for you - my nan (who is now old bless her but its still relevant) met the real love of her life at fifty five after my grandad died. THey have since travelled the world together and built a home and life even I envy. THey are getting close to their end now but I always use them as the most amazing example of love and excitement not being just for teens. Enjoy your little one and have a nice evening with chocolates and a crap film.


sparkybint Fri 29-May-09 10:49:19

hugs prettyfly, will file away this lovely story also x

MmeLindt Fri 29-May-09 10:53:26

<holds hands and offers some seriously delicioius Swiss choc>

You are almost through the morning, not long to go and you can go home and drink wine, eat choc and cuddle your lovely DD.

MuthaHubbard Fri 29-May-09 11:49:46

awww, am so sorry this has happened and it's definitely not an age thing, something very similar happened to me earlier in the year (long distance, soon after divorce, he said he loved me like no other and wanted to get married, then after 18 months said he didn't know what he wanted other than space - haven't seen him since - he's 31).

you will be fine on your own for a while, spending time on what you and dd want to do rather than spending a whole day travelling! Maybe you could both start a new hobby together?

And of course the old chesnuts always help - ie keep busy and give it time.

mrsboogie Fri 29-May-09 11:50:40

Oh nice stories!

sparkybint sorry for your bad news but you should be very pleased with the fact that you are clearly a person who will not accept shoddy treatment or being messed around in a relationship. You don't come across as someone who feels she " needs" a man which is brilliant as that is a mistake so many of us make. So its onwards and upwards for you!

Have you ever tired internet dating? is supposed to be very good. You could use it to have a bit of fun and flirtation while you are getting over this setback. Everyone does it nowadays and you hear of so many people meeting partners that way.

sparkybint Fri 29-May-09 12:15:26

It's lovely coming back here when I feel a tear trying to squeeze its way out of my eyeball! Mutha, I think I came across some of your posts elsewhere; I'm so sorry it didn't work out for you either but I hope you're fine now. What's wrong with these men? Mine was 53 FGS and still didn't know what he wanted! Great idea about starting a new hobby with DD, had already thought about watercolours. It's a nice feeling too, knowing that I won't be spending half my weekend in the car. And do you know, what added insult to injury, was when I got to his house, his teeneage son would be slobbing around with his GF and I had to clean the bathroom before I dared go anywhere near it!

Mrsboogie, yes have tried online dating, that's how I met ex-DP! So it does work I know and maybe this time I'd look for a LOCAL man who's at least solvent (ex was a spendthrift despite having a decent job). Fun and flirtation a good idea too, and no absolutely no sleeping with anyone.

I'll print off this thread when I go home and take it to bed with me tonight to make me feel loved! And that's another thing, he SNORED FOR ENGLAND so never got any sleep when we were together. And he was obsessed with Jim Reeves - what a boring f.....!

mrsboogie Fri 29-May-09 12:25:26

Sounds like you're well rid!! grin

sparkybint Fri 29-May-09 12:34:44

That's what I keep trying to tell myself and then I remember last weekend when we had the most beautiful time in a lovely b&b by the sea, walking on the beach, talking and making love....and now I have to go to the loo again and blub but will just remind myself that I had to pay for it because he was bloody skint.

unavailable Fri 29-May-09 12:36:40

Oh, I read your previous post about the teenage son and his less than houseproud ways. I did think at the time that cleaning someone else's flat wasnt an ideal start to a weekend away!

The fact that exdp let you do it doesnt say much for him either!

Its going to be lovely weather this weekend. Enjoy time at home in the garden/ in the park/ at the seaside instead of spending hours in a sweaty motorway traffic jam. Pamper yourself spend the money you would have spent on petrol on something just for you. Oh, and have a lovely peaceful sleep without interuption. Bliss!

fawkeoff Fri 29-May-09 13:03:07

( gives a big cuddle) im no expert on long distance relationships or in particular men for that matter....since me and ex dp split up last year i allowed myself to get close to one particular twat bag...he persued me for months and when i finally let my guard and started to have proper feelings he just vanished off the the face of the earth for 6 weeks.......this was around the time my nan passed away. that was a few months ago and i dont see or speak to him anymore, i just wanted you to know that everything will be fine and he doesnt deserve you.

MuthaHubbard Fri 29-May-09 13:09:29

it does hurt sparky but i am definitely on the mend. thinking of all the bad things about him will help - it did for me (and still does!). everytime you think of something nice, think of one of those crappy moments/things about him. With the bathroom and snoring on top of that it sounds like you might be well rid!

as unavailable said, regular fab sleep with help you feel loads better too.

you are loved loads by your dd and it will make you both feel fab if you can do the watercolour thing together, or maybe go swimming or for a bike ride together once a week.

you sound like a very stong lady and i'm sure you'll be fine x

MuthaHubbard Fri 29-May-09 13:11:36

oh and i think the fact that he lives so far away might help - that you can't bump into him and not contacting each other helps.

sparkybint Fri 29-May-09 13:32:04

Thanks, you've stopped another blub in mid-flow and I've smiled instead! Sorry about your nan fawkeoff and the twat who did that crap backing off thing that some men do (not all of course, I'm no man-hater and there are some truly lovely ones out there. Trouble is I though I had one and he's turned out to be a fraud!)

Glad you're back on track Mutha and yes I am strong, as long as I don't let my emotions take over too much. But what's wrong with emotions eh? He said I was too intense but he loved my passionate nature as well!Perhaps what he really needs is a wet rag who doesn't mind doing his cleaning. Oh, but he was so lovely to me - cuddling me all the time and telling me how beautiful I was! Poohsticks!

tattycoram Fri 29-May-09 13:33:37

Sorry Sparky, was out this morning. They met at a party, totally out of the blue. Tbh I think she had given up on the whole thing. I met my DH internet dating btw, so it can work

ridingjoker Fri 29-May-09 13:59:11

sparkybint - all relationships have a purpose. wether it's to teach us a lesson (good or bad), show us what we do and dont want in relationship. and appreciate the good things when they happen.

life your single life to the full. enjoying your dd and all the great space of being single.

then one day the right one will come up and bite you on the asse without even realising it.

and due to the others you will know it when it finds you.

this one was wrong. but you learnt you dont want LDR or someone who makes you clean bathroom everytime you visit angry.

enjoy your time. and only spend on those worthy. your family and friends. and when there's a fella worthy comes along give him some too. but until then keep it for yourself not cleaning after a pillock. one day there will be another man saying your beautiful. and giving you cuddles but you will appreciate it all the more as he'll be a better man for you all round.

fawkeoff Fri 29-May-09 14:02:17

aww sparkybint i sooo know what you mean......he did exactly the same to me,told be i was amazing and he loved me all that bullshit....its only what i wanted to hear in reality he is a lying sack of shit and im well rid......i have met a lovely man who has been persuing me since before me and twat bag were an item but i cant believe a word he says to me.......i find myself treating him badly and he doesnt deserve it but i am too scared of falling for him....he is 12 years older than actually letting him come to mine to watch a dvd tonight nervous isnt the word lol grin

ridingjoker Fri 29-May-09 14:25:23

fawke snap. mines 10 yr older. haha.

FabulousBakerGirl Fri 29-May-09 14:41:28

Sparky sad

I know I am about to make a mess of this but I will try and give you hope.

I am very happily married to my husband and could not have a better man as my husband and father to my children. Yet somehow I almost messed it all up for an emotional affair with a long time ago ex. I have stoped all contact but today was so wanting to email him and see if he was okay. I didn't because I knew I would feel worse and it wouldn't achieve anything as me and him could never just be friends and since we are both married there can be nothing else. I thought he cared about me but whether intentionally or not he has badly hurt me. My DH has never hurt me.

My point is that someone who truly loves and cares for you will do anything not to hurt you and it is clear that you are too good for him and he has no idea what he wants.

Have a cry.
Eat some very expensive chocolate.
And move on with your life.
MrSparky-to-be will come along when you are having too much fun on your own to notice him looking. grin

AddictedtoCrunchies Fri 29-May-09 15:30:27

Sparky...snoring and Jim Reeves? Sounds like you made the right decision my love.

You need a giant slab of Dairy Milk, a bottle of wine and a good chick flick (try The Holiday).

The sun is shining so have a lovely weekend with your DD and thank your lucky stars you can spend your money on yourself.

Bakergirl has it bang on - Mrs Sparky to be will come along when you're least expecting it.

OrmIrian Fri 29-May-09 15:34:20

So sorry sparky sad

If it's an comfort many, if not most, of my friends are on 2nd or 3rd relationships and all seem to be very very happy. At least one tells me he has found the love of his life. I'm in my mid-40s, most of these people are older. I don't think youth is a prerequisite for finding a loving partner.

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