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complete lack of sex drive, what can i do?

(17 Posts)
chipmunk1 Thu 28-May-09 23:10:21

i hope someone can give me a little advice here. i've been with dp for 11 years and we have one ds who is 10 mo. we've always had an ok sex life, not swinging from the chandeliers but not bad either. from about the middle of my pregnancy to now i just haven't had any sex drive. its just not there and i'm not sure what to do to get it to come back! it's been so long poor dp's bollocks must be about to explode.
i did have a few days about a week ago when suddenly i felt like i really wanted it, completely out of the blue, which was great but now that seems to have gone away again. i just want it to come back and to feel like i 'want' him again. help. its really starting to get me down and affect our relationship. i don't want to be just friends with him.

Tortington Thu 28-May-09 23:26:27

doctors
sex counselling

www.relate.org.uk/sexproblems/sextherapy

rasputin Thu 28-May-09 23:29:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 28-May-09 23:33:49

Our DS is 10 mo too and we've only had sex 2 or 3 times since he was born. I am still BFing though and have also been diagnosed with PND so those are definitely contributing factors for me.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig Thu 28-May-09 23:45:38

with a baby this young, your hormones are possibly still a bit all over the place and you are probably very tired, which doesn't help. But wanting to want sex is a good sign.
Are there any physical difficulties by the way ie is it uncomfortable and could that be what's putting you off?

chipmunk1 Fri 29-May-09 08:29:31

hi, have just reread my original post and i made a typo, ds is 20 mo not 10. sorry, i was a bit tired last night when i posted.
does anyone know if their are any supplements you can take that might help?
and no i'm not breastfeeding. and no physical difficulties. its just like that feeling is completely missing from me. which is why i was wondering if i'm maybe deficient in something?

nikki1978 Sat 30-May-09 19:04:25

People may disagree with this but I really find that if I stop having sex I lose my libido but when I am having regular sex I really want it. So anytime I have gone through a dry spell and DH is moaning I just do it even though I don't feel like it. Usually end up enjoying it anyway then I get back into the swing of it

SolidGoldBrass Sat 30-May-09 23:08:00

I don't think there are any supplements as such, but are you eating properly and having time to take care of yourself? Having a little bit of time every week to do stuff that is not about motherhood is a way of reminding yourself you are a sexual being.

slushy06 Mon 01-Jun-09 14:08:39

Agree with nikki the more sex I have the more I want. However whenever I have lost my libido I usually get my mam to take ds and spend all day pampering myself and then put on a really sexy underware set. I find it helps as if I dont feel pretty or sexy the thought of sex is not appealing. But if I feel sexy I want sex more and feel less mumsy.

slushy06 Mon 01-Jun-09 14:08:56

sorry if tmi

BarefootShirl Mon 01-Jun-09 14:32:22

I agree with nikki that regular sex makes me want more. Slightly different in our relationship in that DH has lower sex drive than me but even so if I go without for a while I find my own "needs" drop but soon recovers with regular sex again. Not sure if this helps but try the nice meal and sexy underwear routine and sewe if it brings back your "spark" smile.

AccioPinotGrigio Mon 01-Jun-09 15:06:04

Another one here to echo that the more you have the more you want. DH and I had similar issues - me never feeling in the mood, him always in the mood - after our son was born. It took me ages to get my libido back, I have no idea why or how it came back, I just know that it did and this week alone we have had sex 5 times which is a record for us considering that there were times when we went months without it.

I think possibly exercise helped me, feeling good about my body. Also I began to notice again how nice my body feels after orgasm and have probably become mildly addicted to that lovely feeling.

It will come back and if you love your dh and want to be with him then you should sit it out. Some of my top tips for dealing with this situation (they are just what worked for me so take 'em or leave 'em smile)

1. On the rare occasions you do feel horny then you must (if practical) initiate love making. My dh used to get very despondent that he was the only one iniating sex. He felt so rejected.

2. Talk about it as much as you can. It's difficult for both of you so you both need to clearly understand where you are each coming from. Sweeping it under the carpet won't help.

3. Develop a fantasy. I know some think it tantamount to infidelity to fantasise about other people when having sex with someone but I have to tell you for me it worked. I often closed my eyes and thought about (dot dot dot) when dh wanted sex but I wasn't in the mood. It certainly got me to orgasm and I spent quite a while developing various fantasies. I found that as our sex life got back. on track I was less reliant on them. I did worry that I would never be able to open my eyes and look at dh and think PHWOOOAR but that has come back now.

4. Make time for yourselves, it is important to date and spend time touching, holding hands etc.

There is one other thing that did help me hugely but I am reticent to post it on here becuse it is not strictly legal and would not be the appropriate solution for everybody. I'll just say it's an activity that can help one relax, it can heighten one's senses (particularly touch) and help one feel a little more uninhibited than normal. But as I said, not a solution for everybody and I absolutely would not endorse it.

EvenBetaDad Mon 01-Jun-09 16:19:54

AccioPinotGrigio - very very good advice.

I did something similar when I lost my libido due to illness for about 18 months - I really wanted to do something for DW even if my libido was not there or hardly there.

I set about initiating when ever I could possibly face it. Some of the time I could barely walk but still tried.

I talked to DW about sex, how I felt and made it clear that although I could not really face or even do penetrative sex - I still wanted to kiss and cuddle and even if I could not perform. I told her I had been sweeping it under the carpet and I wanted to stop doing that.

I wanted DW to have physical as well as emotional enjoyment even if I was not completely up to it. I just asked her not to put pressure on me to perform and not to be offended if I did not reach orgasm.

Holding hands, making an effort to dress nicely, making dates to go out to lunch and enjoy being with each other wthout the DSs was a huge help.

On the fantasy side we rang the changes a bit, not necessarily limiting ourselves to bed time or the bedroom, trying to be more spontaneous on some occassions, or building a little bit of expectation at others. Yes, I agree, the imagination is an important factor.

What happened in the end was I did enjoy it emotionally and occassionally physically and then as I finally dealt with my illness the pysical side came flooding back too - over the last few months in my case.

chipmunk1 - as long as you explain to DH what you are prepared to do and what you are not ready for yet (e.g no penetration) could still enjoy intimacy (e.g kissing and cuddling) while still giving your DP almost all of the emotional and physical pleasure that you used to share. I am sure that if you did this he will feel very loved again and make you feel loved too in return.

I emphasise that it has to be on your terms though - just doing it out of a sense of duty or enduring sex for DP's sake is not a sustainable solution. Although I agree just doing it can help make the desire come back as well.

screamingabdab Mon 01-Jun-09 17:25:20

I have been in a very similar situation

There was a similar thread a few weeks back, again excellent advice from Beta and Accio.

I would add to the suggestions to get the desire back - some erotic literature (eg Nancy Friday) and possibly a vibrator, to use on your own.

<definitely TMI wink>

screamingabdab Mon 01-Jun-09 17:43:05

Look at this website for "toys"

chipmunk1 Tue 02-Jun-09 13:42:02

mucho gracias for all the lovely advice i've received here. i've decided to take most of it on board and have a go as it were to see if it comes back to me. thanks for the website also wink

HarryB Fri 05-Jun-09 11:49:15

No real advice Chipmunk but just a quick line to keep your spirits up. I thought I'd never want sex again and was even thinking that if DH strayed, I could turn a blind eye as it would save me the job of ever having sex again. Luckily, he didn't want to stray (I told him I wouldn't blame him and he said thanks but no thanks - bless) and I'm pleased to say that this week, it just came back - from where, I have no idea - and now I want more more more. Bloody got my period this morning though grin

Great advice on here. Always take advantage of when you're in the mood, even if it seems a drag as it will soon click and become enjoyable again. Trust me I'm a born again sex goddess wink.

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