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Is it me or him?

(52 Posts)
starlover Fri 06-May-05 09:13:51

argh, just had another mini-row with DP.

Had a huuuuuuge fight the other day with me scraeming and throwing glasses on the floor etc etc because I am SO pissed off with him.
He basically lives the exact same life as he did before DS was born. He very, very rarely does ANYTHING around the house, despite me pleading with him many times to help me.
He never gets up in the morning to look after DS so I can have a lie-in. I do all the cooking, washing, dishes, cleaning etc etc
He says that he feels like because he is out at work all day he shouldn't have to do anything.
But I feel like I am hard at work all day too with DS, and I don't get evenings and weekends off!

What also annoys me is that on weekends and stuff he won't get out of bed until gone 11 usually. Which means that we miss out on half the day. I am usualyl up at around 6.30 with DS and I go in and ask DP to get up every half hour or so but all i get is "oh, but i'm tired"
Does he not think I'M tired??????? if he didn't spend half the night on the pc or watching tv he wouldn't be so tired!

Anyway, we are currently sharing a car, and I needed to go into town this morning to get some stuff. So, I said could I drop him off at work on the way, he said yes. But he wouldn't get out of bed.
DS has a feed at 7.30 and then usually naps at about 8.30 or 9. I had myself as DS ready to go by 8.00 so that he would sleep while I was in town and we would be back home before he needed his next feed.
Only DP wouldn't get up. When he finally gets up he takes FOREVER to get ready, by which time DS is desperate for his sleep and crying.

The other thing is that I am terrible with money. DP paid off my credit cards and cut them up and he also looks after my debit card so I don't get overdrawn, and gives me an allowance each week to buy stuff with.
I asked if I can have my allowance which I am supposed to get on a Monday (but we both forgot), and he says he got it out the bank but lent it to someone!
He suggests that I take the Norwegian Kroners he has left from his trip over there, change them at the post office and then use that!!!!
At which point I lost it.

Why am I always last on his list of priorities? Why didn't he tell his friend that he couldn't lend him some money because it was for me? Why did he not make sure he took some more out of the bank to give me? Why does he think that i shouldn't care?????

He says that I am unreasonable and unwilling to find a solution (ie changing money)... But he can't see that I have already waited around for him all morning to get ready with a fractious 12 week old who needs a sleep. That going and changing money just means I have to spend longer in town.
Why can't he understand that it isn't even really about the money, it's about the fact that his friend comes higher on his list of priorities than me????
He can't even drag his lazy arse out of bed to make things easier for me.

But am I being unreasonable? I do suffer from depression and questionable BPD... am I taking it all too personally? I question my ability to handle things properly, and when he says that I have no right to get upset I wonder whether it is just my abnormal take on the matter...

I don't know. This is stupidly long and boring... I just needed to get it off my chest

starlover Fri 06-May-05 09:14:47

When we had the BIG fight the other day he gave me a big hug and told me that I should tell him when I am unhappy, and tell him what is wrong, and what he can do to help,
So, I do tell him and it makes no difference!

sweetmonkey Fri 06-May-05 09:19:50

dont know what to say but
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}

has he said anything else to you?

MrsBigD Fri 06-May-05 09:23:13

starlover {{{{{{{{big hug}}}}}}}}}

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. After all it's his ds as well and he should at least look after him occasionally so you get a break.

My dh isn't nearly as bad as yours as he does get up for dd and ds and gets cleaning frenzies around the flat every now and again (which ususally results in me not being able to find anything as he has no system ).

Can sympathise with the stupid comment 'I'm tired'... I keep telling dh to go to bed earlier instead of gaming on the PC as well ... must be a male thing.

As for 'working all week'... looking after a little one is much harder work. Maybe he should try it for a couple of hours (won't even suggest a day first off, he'd probably collaps) just to see how hard it is. What always makes me laugh with my dh is that when he looks after the kids for lets say 6 hours, that's a whole day ... it's a matter of perception and perspective isn't it.

My gripe with dh is that if I ask him to do something, which doesn't happen often, he usually forgets about it and I end up doing it. Then I sort of blow up and he says 'tell me how I can help'... sound familiar?

So let me say again... no it's not you, and your question whether you are taking it too personally because you suffer from depression... well maybe, because you're more sensitive, but then again maybe the situation contributes to your depression... vicious circle that one. I know, I'm on AD's myself

Hope this helps a bit so you know you're not alone and not overreacting either

starlover Fri 06-May-05 09:24:19

No, he left and walked to work so that I have the car, and he left his norwegian fucking kroners on the side.

The thing is, he knows I won't back down. I will not go into town today, just because that will be doing what he wanted (i am stupidly stubborn)
But if I bring it up again he will just say I am overreacting, that he left me the car and some money so I have no right to be upset.

This is not the first time this week that I have been thinking about just leaving. Not being here when he gets back from work.

coppertop Fri 06-May-05 09:24:23

My solution to him not getting up on time for you to drive him to work would be to say "I'm leaving at x o'clock. If you're not ready by then I'm going without you." And then do it.

WRT the housework etc I would write a nice little list of jobs that you want doing and put the list in his hand. That gets rid of the option to say "I forgot what you wanted" or (my dh's favourite excuse) "You didn't tell me that you wanted me to do X,Y,Z." If he still doesn't help then go on strike. Let him do his own cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

He is being incredibly selfish in expecting his life to remain unchanged by the arrival of a baby. If you carry on doing everything for him he will carry on letting you.

elsmommy Fri 06-May-05 09:24:24

I don't think you are been unreasonable. I think he should be more supportive to you and realise that he has a child now so his old life has to go out the window.
Hope you can sort things out.

starlover Fri 06-May-05 09:28:13

thanks Mrsbigd
I know what you mean about ending up doing stuff yourself. quick example

I needed to wash up ds's bottles before sterilising them, but there was a couple of skanky saucepans soaking (that dp had already said he would wash).
I asked him again if he would wash them up so I could use sink to do the bottles.
Yes he says, but then refuses to do it til his program has finished!
So, I end up doing them myself because I need to get the bottles sterilised!

He never THINKS about stuff. He never thinks that there might be a reason why things need doing NOW.
And I am always missing eastenders because I am cooking dinner, but he can't miss part of a program to wash 2 saucepans up?????

ninah Fri 06-May-05 09:29:07

I don't think you are unreasonable to expect dp to do more with ds. But I think he does care a lot about you and don't lose sight of that. Try to talk about it calmly instead of letting it boil over into a row? easier said than done, I know ...

sweetmonkey Fri 06-May-05 09:32:15

is there anywhere you could go family perhaps to stay with for a couple of days, maybe he'll realise what hes got with you and change his behaviour

bloody men!!!

teeavee Fri 06-May-05 09:45:15

Oooh, I too would be as fed up as you. I have had similar arguments with my dp,esp. re. washing up. If i make a fuss aboyt having to do everything myself, I am called a 'tyrant' 'bbossy' who won't leave him alone to 'relax' of an evening.
I have ended up banning the words 'I need to relax' from our house, and we have had huge arguments which have led to discussions about what needs changing. But sometimes it's (frustratingly) so much easeier do do stuff yourself because I find that having to ask for it repeatedly/ explain exactly what needs doing is just as exhausting..........
A 'to do' list is a good idea, and I also try to tell my dp what I want doing every evening and morning, in as nice a way as possible (so as not to sound 'bossy'), so that he can't not agree to do it, if you know what I mean....knackering though.

Flossam Fri 06-May-05 09:45:16

Starlover, all this sounds so familiar!! I think men just don't do things unless they really have to. I will be going back to work at some point, and more and more I try and take a back seat so he can get used to caring for DS. Yesterday for example I kept myself busy sorting out the house. He spent most of the day on the computer but then couldn't argue about feeding DS his meals, bathing him etc. He even washed up without asking yesterday! . He says all the same arguements about working/not working etc. I got my first lie in on Monday, and had my (cooked) breakfast made for me. I have to say though, I just felt more tired!! This is the first time in nigh on 6 months that DP has got up.

Money is another issue. Things have all gone tits up by having to move, but I haven't had a penny off him since I went on Maternity leave last october. I think thats very well done on my part, he thinks he shouldn't have to pay me any money. I have continued to pay the same bills I would do as if I were working. He is going to take over the electric payments in our new place (there is no gas so might be quite a bit but I haven't pointed that out to him).

I think things are always fraught at this time. You are knackered and tired and stressed and p'd off. I understand. Are you breast or bottle feeding? Does he ever get up in the night? The closest DP has come is to get up to grab some calpol the other night, after DS 3rd wake by 4 am. Will you be going back to work? Do you think things may shift then? That is what has been keeping me going, I am determined to redress the balance then. If not, you need to give him some guidelines. How about on x night, you get up with DS. Or on x morning you get up and let me lie in. Can he set up a Direct debit to pay the money into your account? try and talk when you have cooled off, I think you'll find he's much more receptive when you are feeling calmer. You have my sympathies.

starlover Fri 06-May-05 09:53:05

what is it with men eh?
Really what pisses me off most is the fact that he still expects to be able to "relax" in the evenings... he watches me running around putting clothes away, cooking, preparing bottles etc and NEVER offers to help. He will do stuff after much nagging, but I feel bad if I go on and on and on...
I wish sometimes he would just offer to do things without me having to ask.

I am mixed feeding at the moment. Started when I had an horrendous bout of thrush which has cleared up, but my milk supply diminished due to shitty breast pump and I am still trying to get it back up so that I can b/f DS!

I think I will tell him that on either sat or sun mornings he has to get up and look after DS, so that I get a bit more sleep at least one night of the week!

And, I am not going to cut off my nose to spite my face, I will go into town today, and I will change the bloody kroners and do my shopping.

I am going to go back to work part time in June, probably just a Saturday and maybe a couple of afternoons in the week. Does mean he has to have him all Saturady though, which should be funny.

I am also going to write him an e-mail to tell him exactly how I feel, and how I would like things to change, because when I talk to him I always get too upset and forget half of what I wanted to say.

MrsBigD Fri 06-May-05 10:07:52

or just send him a link to this thread

don't get me started on the washing and the dishes... haven't you notices... they do themselves

I can't remember the last time dh has thrown on the washing machine and I'm certain he hasn't put the clean washing away in over 1 year... his reasoning... he doesn't know where stuff goes! Erhem... well where do ya take if FROM? that's where it goes... but that just falls on deaf ears I think.

ninah Fri 06-May-05 10:10:39

yes, an email's a great idea
you are forced to put everything down clearly, plus they can't ignore it!
maybe you can attach a to-do list

acnebride Fri 06-May-05 10:13:35

starlover i do sympathise.

i must say that i would change the kroner, I actually don't think that's unreasonable although I completely see why it p'd you off in the context of your life at the moment. I would do (and do do) a lot less housework than you do - my house is just filthy but I rarely care. If I were employed to look after children I wouldn't do loads of housework as well, that wouldn't be my job. Can you bear to ignore it? Don't say anything, just ignore it. For a year if you have to. if he cares, well, he can do it.

It sounds like for the mother of a 3-month old, you are doing really well - you know how to fit what you need to do round the routine et al. Pat yourself on the back.

Do you have any family you can ask to stay, or stay with? Prob a silly question - if you had them, you'd probably be OK.

It is early days for all three of you - hope you can work it out.

acnebride Fri 06-May-05 10:15:50

ooh, working on Saturday is genius!

Flossam Fri 06-May-05 11:12:46

The email is a great idea. I remember my DP kept going out not long after DS was born, and doing a few other things I didn't like (didn't think was safe with DS messing around with pram etc). I wrote it all down and things did change a lot after that. I hope it elps you too.

starlover Fri 06-May-05 11:15:14

I do hve family nearby, but my Mum and Dad's house really isn't big enough for me and DS to stay, although I think they'd probably manage to squeeze us in if totally necessary.

My main bugbears are:

he tells me to let him know what's upsetting me, and what he can do to help... when I do tell him he still doesn't do anything!

He complains that he is tired, yet stays up all night watching tv/doing computer stuff

He says he DOES help around the house, and when I say he doesn't then I am "generalising" and I am wrong.

He sits and watches me run around like a blue-arsed fly and it doesn't even occur to him to ask me if i want any help.

He doesn't seem to realise that with DS things have to be fitted in around feeds/sleeps. I can't hang around for an hour or more to go into town because he'll be ready for a feed!


stitch Fri 06-May-05 11:23:20

he sounds like my dh, but nicer.
appreciate what you have. at least he gives you a big hug and says he wants to know what you are feeling. mine doesnt give a toss.
sorry, i know thats not what you want to hear. but all this makes me thing that lesbians are the only ones with life sussed out. the only use for a man is to provide sperm.

Listmaker Fri 06-May-05 11:44:46

I'm so sorry that some of you have such crap dhs. So much of your post was familiar SL! My exp was like that - no help AT ALL, spent all our time doing separate things and he spent hours on the PC at night and couldn't get up til lunch time on weekends and it drove me NUTS!

Sorry to be totally depressing but I couldn't change him. He had an affair and I kicked him out. But now after 5 years on my own I have met someone else who couldn't be more different and is so thoughtful and helps out. He's been working 12 hour days (I work 6 hours per day) so I've been cooking for him all week and he feels so guilty about it. What a man!

Maybe you should just get rid of the losers and find a nice one !!!

starlover Fri 06-May-05 11:51:32

have just sent him the most incredibly long e-mail. I hope he reads it all

robin3 Fri 06-May-05 11:57:22

Good luck idea.

HappyDaddy Fri 06-May-05 12:12:46

He's a big selfish tw*t. That's the difference.

starlover Fri 06-May-05 12:36:41

part of his reply.....

"The over-riding feeling I got when I read and re-read your message was
sadness and somehow sadness/guilt/anger with myself that I can let
things be this way.

I want to make things better, but you have to help me help you. I
really am genuinely stupid about this sort of thing.

Until I get into a pattern of things I need to do, you will have to
me what needs doing. Don't just do the laundry and get grumpy that I
didn't do it first - tell me that it needs doing and only get grumpy
if I don't then do it."

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