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Please Advise me - Just got evidence that my husband has been contacting escort girls

(21 Posts)
InneedofadviceMum Fri 22-May-09 09:25:00

I have name changed, but to be honest I don't post often but do know a couple of people on here.

Before I was pregnant we had a great sex life - fun, intimate and open, and we both really enjoyed it. Then I became pregnant - not planned and we had decided not to have a family. But DS came along and is absolutely fab.

He was frightened of hurting me by having sex while I was pregnant, although I did try to reassure him. But our sex life has never recovered. I BF and this put him off, then I was so shattered for the first 12 months that we never seemed to get it together.

I knew he downloaded lots of porn which caused some arguments, and he said it was boredom. And I could hardly argue as I knew he had needs!

However I have just logged onto a website(with his user name and password - bit of a lucky guess) which is a porn site which offers escort girls, and found that he was searching for a escort when I was away with DS for a night in April, and when he had a day off earlier this year. No proof that he actually used one though. Lots of proof that he used cam services etc.

I really don't know how to handle this - this is my second marriage and I don't want to give it up. I do love him, but feel very hurt, angry and want to hit him so hard!

I have printed off the email list as evidence.

Advice please.

ingles2 Fri 22-May-09 09:30:29

shock you poor thing.
I know you say he has needs but what about your needs?
Is helping you? supporting you?
Are you having sex at all?
I guess you need to decide if this is an absolute deal breaker or if you can work through it. If it were me, I would probably be sitting down with the evidence and telling him very firmly that no more contact porn or he's out...
Have you considered relate to help you talk about this?

KingCanuteIAm Fri 22-May-09 09:31:41

Talk.

Find a quiet time when ds is away and will not be back to interupt you, make sure neither of you have any plans to do anything else, sit down and talk.

Don't be angry, try not to be emotional and show him the email, ask him to explain to you why he has felt the need to do this and why he felt it was ok to do this.

If you remain calm and he gets angry and so on it should tell you some things about your relationship, if he is prepare to sit and calmly discuss it with you that will also tell you something about your relationship.

It is only once you have been through the talking that you can start to decide hwo to proceed.

InneedofadviceMum Fri 22-May-09 09:37:01

He will not get angry, which annoys me even more as I get rid of tension by shouting.

He is also very cunning - and will try to wriggle his way out of this. One of the call girls is based where he works - he commutes each day - when he has been late - has be been somewhere else first?

I am so angry.

ingles2 Fri 22-May-09 09:39:57

That's completely understandable. I would be blardy livid as well.
You do have to talk though..
Why don't you give Relate a call and make an appointment. then calmly present him with the evidence and the appointment.

abedelia Fri 22-May-09 09:44:23

To find out if he went through with it can you look at his bank statements? Big cash withdrawals or credit payments around the times would definitely show up. More than anything else, does he realise he is exposing you and your dc to diseases? Get your evidence fully together first... Then he can't try nd turn it upon you and say you are paranoid (favourite trick in the 'unfaithfulness for men' manual, it seems)

financiallyscrewed Fri 22-May-09 09:44:34

He can't be cunning if you've got evidence, surely. Plus, if you think he'd try and lie, sorry but why are you with him? A relationship is nothing without trust.

Sit him down, ask him if he's used ..... agency, if he says no, show him your evidence. He won't be able to argue, plus you'll have caught him off guard.

I understand you not wanting to lose your marriage but he either thought you wouldn't mind, or, thought you wouldn't find out. Both stupid thoughts!

As for you, just because you had a baby, got tired, breast fed etc, shouldn't mean he doesn't find you attractive and is free to look elsewhere. He married you for life and that's what life entails! I'm my DH's second wife (his first died) and he has a 7 year old. One of the things that made me realise how amazing he was was when he said he'd liked her stretch marks as it reminded him she'd carried his baby.

InneedofadviceMum Fri 22-May-09 10:01:23

Just looked for April bank statement - it is not there.

Maybe I should ask him to show me if he has made a withdrawal.

Going to look for mobile bill now.

InneedofadviceMum Fri 22-May-09 10:06:54

Mobile phone bill not there either.

poopscoop Fri 22-May-09 10:15:00

kick him out tonight. Let him think about things. Then he can explain everything.

The dirty bastard.

KingCanuteIAm Fri 22-May-09 10:17:21

Call your bank or pop in they will be able to tell you the transactions for April.

hereidrawtheline Fri 22-May-09 10:21:56

For me, personally, this would be a deal breaker. It is cheating no matter how you look at it. But what it shows of his character is not attractive. I could never respect or trust or love my DH if he did this.

I am very sorry for you to be going through this, it must be awful.

InneedofadviceMum Fri 22-May-09 10:25:28

King - We have a joint account and then both have our own accounts - so I won't be able to get access.

I think I just need to remain calm and rational and speak to him tonight.

The problem is will I ever be able to trust him again?

Funnily enough he went out last night on his own for an hour, to meet a friend for a quick drink - where was he?

KingCanuteIAm Fri 22-May-09 10:37:22

I think this is what you need to get him to understand. Something like this isn't just about the actual things he did or did not do, it is that you are left questioning everything he has ever or will ever do.

Loss of trust is a huge thing and, for me, your first move needs to be to work out if you can trust him. Sometimes a thing happens that means that, no matter what is said, you cannot get past it.

If you feel you can at least listen to his side then you have something to work at, if you are not sure, listen to him, hear him but don't promise anything until you have had chance to go away and reflect by yourself. The problem with emotional situations is that you can end up saying things just to make yourself or the other person feel better and regret them later.

InneedofadviceMum Fri 22-May-09 10:50:04

Thanks for your advice. Lots of feelings to be rationalised.

Have to go out now - so don't think I am ignoring anyone.

Blondeshavemorefun Fri 22-May-09 12:24:11

i am so sorry that you have found out that your dh is cheating

there are 2 ways forward, to try and put it behind you after you have BOTH talked about it

or to go your seperate ways

trust is a very hard thing to get back

me23 Sun 24-May-09 11:08:25

oh that's terrible. I would be kicking him out too angry have you managed to speak to him about it.

ilove Sun 24-May-09 11:13:26

I hope you've got some answers.

Podrick Sun 24-May-09 13:39:30

Are you OK?

maltesers Sun 24-May-09 18:51:18

Yeah, Whats the latest.. Did you confront him. ?????

Ineedmorechocolatenow Sun 31-May-09 19:07:39

What happened Inneedofadvicemum?

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