Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please help my husband left today NEW THREAD

(1002 Posts)
AbricotsSecs Wed 20-May-09 09:25:27

Message withdrawn

AbricotsSecs Wed 20-May-09 09:28:54

Message withdrawn

oliviasmama Wed 20-May-09 09:29:07

oooh I'm moving over then

Ineedmorechocolatenow Wed 20-May-09 10:15:09

All the best for the Parents' Evening today fading. I'm totally shock that he asked if he'd pissed you off?? WTF?

atterual Wed 20-May-09 10:32:41

im moving too!"! hope fading does otherwise we will be on our own! lol

Lizzylou Wed 20-May-09 10:36:50

Hope you have a good day, Fading.

YOu really should think about the idea of getting your husband to babysit for a night, go anywhere, but make sure you look glam and gorgeous.

Hope your DD1's exams go well and also parents evening smile

MadameCastafiore Wed 20-May-09 10:49:10

Fading - I have been reading this thread over the last few weeks and I have to say that you are doing so well after what that dispicable shite has done to you and the DCs.

I really want you to know though that if one of DDs school friends mums came up to me and told me that their husband had left them and they were having a rough time the last thing I would do would be to look them up and down and think 'well I understand why!'. I would be gobsmacked, angry, but most of all I would want to give them a big hug and do everything in my power to help them. I would pop in for cups of tea and bring lovely cake, I would have their DCs round for dinner and I would sit and listen to them and down copious amounts of cheap wine with them, sitting up till god knows what time in the morning. And I am just like every other woman out there - we would all do the same. No one would judge you as you have behaved impecably. So please tell someone because I guarantee that they would be there for you and help you and it really makes a difference to have someone who you can just sit and talk to face to face, someone who can give you a hug and let you cry on their shoulder because I really believe that sometimes people think they miss a particular person and the hurt will only go away if that person comes back - but sometimes they just miss the physical (not sexual) intimacy they had with that person. As humans we are not supposed not to be hugged and cuddled - so tell someone please and let them give you a hug.

It would be your husbadn who would be judged and found lacking, as maybe you had no idea how your DH felt but the decent adult thing would have been for him to sit and talk to you about it - after your life together you deserve that at least. You most certainly do not deserve him slinking away to bed some slutbagwhore, leaving you to cope with your own pain and that of his children.

And I am telling you now that if he comes back it will be harder than it is now - everytime you look at him you will think of her, everytime he says he loves you you will wonder if he really does, everytime he is late home you will wonder if he has disappeared again. So think really hard, and make sure you are the one making the decisions - even if it means he leaves her and moves into somewhere alone whilst you decide what you want to do. You are holding all the cards now, just make sure you decide twhat is best for you, the children will cope regardless and it will be less painful for them to get used to the status quo and not have him come back at all rather than him to come back and leave in 6 months time.

GHappy Belated Birthday and keep posting.

motherlovebone Wed 20-May-09 12:53:18

Hello again, hope all is ok for you today.
agree with the other mums, that some proper arrangments need to be worked out regarding access...you are still considering him, and really shouldnt be.
what would work for you/the DC?
what days and times are convenient for you?
also agree that the text communication should stop, but understand why its continuing as its the only communication you have. its easy for others to say do this or that, when they are not emotionally involved.
you really do have to start prioritising your own needs, though it may take some practice after putting others first for so long.
i think you will start to enjoy it.
fingers crossed for parents evening, thinking of you.

BottySpottom Wed 20-May-09 12:54:31

Hi - we are all bombarding you with so many suggestions, I hope some of it is helping and not confusing you further.

I agree with the others about not texting him (if that's what you want - but maybe you prefer the detached nature of texting?).

If your schools and nursery are all so difficult to get to, he should really have thought this through a bit more in advance. Obviously you don't want your children to be in the car for hours on end, but if he is going to stay with 'slutbagwhore' then he needs to move closer to you to help you.

This is really sneaky, but could you follow him home from work and find out where he is living (would obviously have to hire a car or something or he would recognise yours).

motherlovebone Wed 20-May-09 13:00:10

Botty, he thinks that fading will just carry on doing everything, and he can pop back when convenient to show his face to DC. and expects Fading to text updates during his absences. angry

Judy1234 Wed 20-May-09 13:14:14

the forcing 5 children on him so his lover realises what she's taken on won't work then if you want the children around you, don't want to go away on your own and don't want them staying at her place. The other tactic then is to deny him contact as the only power you actually have (assuming he doesn't need money from you as my ex needed from me in our divorec - I earn more and paid out to him in the divorce despite keeping our 5 children). But denying contact is morally wrong and isnt' nice for chidlren but certainly it might be a way to get some control back.

Say he can see them on times you agree in advance which work around your shifts and the lives of the children and perhaps at your house for now or get him to do some dreary things - send him out on Wednesday with the children to buy new shoes for three of them. What you don't is him having a good time of it. My friend who was torn between his lover and his children (but not his wife) stayed when I last heard, because he couldn't bear to be parted from the children however much in love with the lover he was

BottySpottom Wed 20-May-09 13:47:15

Agree with Xenia - I think you need to make sure he gets to do the dreary stuff too.

Given that you seem to be the only one in the relationship with any moral integrity/strength/empathy etc your DC need to see you at your best - rested, well fed and with some free time. It's no good you working yourself to the bone without any support so that you are a shadow of your former yourself and he gets to do fun things with them on a Sunday. You will become the boring parent that hasn't time for them and has to discipline them - he will be 'fun dad' who they have a nice time with.

KnickKnack Wed 20-May-09 14:44:05

Agree with Xenia and Botty about getting him to do some of the more boring chores related to childcare.

good luck with parents day

kalo12 Wed 20-May-09 14:48:28

thanks hoochie smile

i wouldn't let the children go and stay at her house. No way. you're not a commodity that can just be replaced. She stole you husband now she wants to play at step mum.

maybe if you get divorced then he remarries to her, but they have only been together as a 'proper' couple for two weeks, why should you subject your children to that kind of upheaval when it could be temporary. Last week he was saying he didn't know whether to leave her or not, so thinking about introducing her to your kids is a bloody cheek. He is a moron.

I would keep your cool, cos it sounds like she is making alot of demands and its only a matter of time before he gets fed up with that.

I know its not easy for you, but ffs, don't make things easy for her!

WhenwillIfeelnormal Wed 20-May-09 15:07:28

I don't think the children going there has been suggested by H and OW, but by posters here, unless I'm missing something? And Fading has said she wouldn't countenance that anyway, which I would endorse totally.

Also Xenia - suspect your friend actually loved his wife more than he was letting on - and certainly more than the lover!

Fading, from a slightly different angle, I just wanted to say this. Why do you think MNetters have responded so magnificently and in droves? It's because they connect with you and sense that if they met you in RL, they would want you to be their friend. You have enormous charisma, which is a wonderful quality in the written word. You must be even more charismatic in RL, so please take strength and comfort in that. You come across as a magnificent woman and I admire you hugely. I know your self-esteem is on the floor right now, but your H is the only person in your life at the moment who isn't magnetised by you and drawn to you.

And one day he will again, I just have a feeling about that. One day, pretty soon, he will be comparing all sorts of things about you with the OW and I bet she falls short. Men so rarely "trade up" you know. You are younger than her, more accomplished in all sorts of things I'd bet, a better mother etc. And I know you'll be thinking there's one thing she's better at, but I would stake my mortgage on the fact that even that's not great either. If he used to be a decent husband and father, I'd lay bets that erectile dysfunction looms large in their relationship.....

Take comfort that you are an amazing woman and he would be the luckiest man in the world if you took him back. The only way is up now....

BottySpottom Wed 20-May-09 16:28:10

WhenwillIfeel 'Why do you think MNetters have responded so magnificently and in droves?' - I have noticed this response too (well, it's hard not to) - to the extent that I have felt sorry for all the other people posting on the'relationships' forum! Fading - take note of WhenwillIfeel's wise observation! He will be back shortly. You may have moved on to bigger and better things by then though.

How was your day? I guess you must be due to visit your counsellor again soon?

Lizzylou Wed 20-May-09 16:42:32

WhenwillIfeelnormal, what a fantastic and very true post.

Fading, it's true, you know, I know I am in awe of your strength and drive, you come across so very, very well.

Hope that today has been good smile

HappyWoman Wed 20-May-09 17:14:21

absolutly fading - you will not be allowed to fail with us all supporting you.

BottySpottom Wed 20-May-09 17:28:50

No pressure then Fading wink

AnyFucker Wed 20-May-09 18:14:26

< applauds WWIFN >

Tortington Wed 20-May-09 19:24:34

hope everything goes fine, completely agree with them living in a flat, that you wouldnt want them sleeping on floors

silkcushion Wed 20-May-09 19:27:16

Just checking in FA. WWIFN is absolutely right - look at the many many people on here who care about you. My DH asks after you every night as well! Normal people (not guilty bastards) are on your side and supporting you.

Totally understand about yr dcs but do think yr h needs to help. Agree with the advice that maybe you have to assume this is permanent and then focus on sorting the practicalities.

Hope dd1's exams went well.

HappyWoman Wed 20-May-09 19:39:44

And FA - we are supporting you because we can also see that he is following the exact same script that many others have followed.

We want to support you and help you get through this awful time and hopefully keep you one step ahead of him.

You probably wont take all our advice - who of us did at the time - but one day you will look back just as we did and see just how truth there is in what many of us are saying.

You are doing so so well though so keep it up it will get easier with time. And you too will be a stronger person after all this too.

numal Wed 20-May-09 21:02:58

Second all the above comments FA. Stay Strong. You will probably be able to write a book at the end of this sorry episode. Please stay strong and Do Not Text him. He will come to you.

KiwiKat Wed 20-May-09 21:29:40

Hello FA. Ditto re the previous posts.

This thread is not accepting new messages.