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Our 6th visit to the Stately Home.....

(989 Posts)
oneplusone Tue 19-May-09 11:52:41

Hi all, took the liberty of starting a new thread. Keep on posting!

BopTheAlien Sun 10-Jan-10 23:50:04

ps - well done Rose! smile

therealsmithfield Mon 11-Jan-10 00:42:30

bop- I couldnt sleep and then came down and logged on to find your post and then I went like this grin because I was thinking along exactly the same lines, but could never have expressed it as well as you just did.
I dont want the troll/bully/person with severe anger ishoos to win this one I really dont.
Also like yourself I looked into chat and though gosh I cant really see us posting next to a thread entitled 'My norks hurt'wink.
Ok I am putting a light hearted spin on this now but in all seriousness the thread would be affected for all the reasons you have so clearly stated bop
We belong 'here' guys we really do and whats more people 'do' need us to be here. Lets not forget that 99% of posters who 'do' find their way here are the genuine article.

So my vote is 100% with bop.

And I would hate to lose any of you!

And bop you really 'are' brave because when someone has been bullied you know only too well that a bully can easily turn their attention to the next person who pipes up.
But you were willing to take that risk in order to make your voice heard.

I will see if I can post those links for you before I retire. Must sleep argggh!

therealsmithfield Mon 11-Jan-10 00:48:01

second thread here

therealsmithfield Mon 11-Jan-10 00:53:42

Actually this one is the one you are talking about and it links to the one prior.

Wessel Mon 11-Jan-10 04:24:19

Hi. I just found MN and this thread last week and was crying reading it (my mother has NPD and I am in the very early stages of dealing with it - it is especially hard after stuff which has happened recently); reading this thread and seeing the support and understanding blew my mind. I was psyching myself up to introduce myself but given the weekend's dramas it's probably not the time to wade in and put my issues out there but I wanted you all to know how amazing it is to know there are people out there like me, from families like mine, dealing with similar issues.

If the thread continues (which I really hope it does), I'd love to be a part of it.

wanttostartafresh Mon 11-Jan-10 10:21:14

Hi all. It is amazing how much this thread has become a part of my life. The thought of it ending was very sad.

I agree with Bop and TRS; I think the thread should stay in Relationships and it is a very good idea to put a description at the beginning just like Bop has said. Would it be an idea to start a new thread now instead of waiting til it reaches 1000 posts? Just a thought.

It has gradually been dawning on me that Bop has been the first person in all my life who has ever stood up for me. I was wracking my brains all weekend trying to think of an instance in RL when surely this must have happened during the past 39 years, but I honestly cannot think of even once. DH has stood up for me recently wrt his mother, but it felt like i had to almost force him to do it. But Bop, you stood up for me and spoke out on my behalf completely voluntarily and although no proof was needed at all, it does prove what an amazing person you are and you have no idea how it has made me feel to have somebody speak up on my behalf like you did. Thank you again for being so brave. I hope next time this sort of thing happens (because it probably will), i will have the confidence to follow my gut feeling and say something myself.

Wessel, am so glad you found your way to this thread. I cried too when i first found it.

Leavingonajetplane, am so glad you found this thread too. I have read most of Alice Miller's books and posted lots on here about her and am so pleased you found us by searching using her name.

therealsmithfield Mon 11-Jan-10 10:41:26

wtsa yes lets start a new thread straight away. Would you like to so the honours? There are a couple of links and the second one although we ended up not using it has a good explanation/ description of what the thread is about.
We should all take a responsibility for moderating the thread and ensuring the rules remain in tact.

wessel- Glad you found the courage to post. I too am daugher to a narcisstic mother so I know only too well how painful it is. Have you done much reading? I found 'trapped in the mirror' very helpful, but 'toxic parents' is always a good place to start.

leavingonaJP- Thanks for posting your support. I think if anything this incident can only make this thread stronger.
I'm glad you found it and hope to see you posting some more about your situation (whenever you feel able too) on the new thread.


OrdinarySAHM Mon 11-Jan-10 11:13:12

I'm very happy that you all want to carry on because I was getting the impression (maybe the wrong impression) that everyone was going to leave the thread!

Who cares if some people think you are stupid/wrong/bad/whatever? Not everyone thinks that and there are plenty of people on here who don't. (This is directed at everyone and nobody in particular.)

I've been reading in the Buddhism for Mothers book about letting go of the idea of self image. I'm not sure if I completely agree with it yet but was shocked by the truth that we spend so much of our time working on feeling better about our self image and whether other people see us as good or not. Maybe this is time wasted! Working on how to feel better full stop seems more worthwhile than working on how to look like a better person to others.

It seems more worthwhile to try to dismiss what other people might think of us and concentrate on how we actually feel, how to feel better and how to live in a way that makes the world around us feel good. The book talks about observing all the emotions that are passing through you and observing what is going on around you in the present moment and when this makes you able to concentrate better the answers as to what is required in the present situation will come to you more easily.

I like the idea of an explanation of the purpose of the thread at the top of each one. We could also do reminder posts at intervals. We can self-police it by reading posts and if someone is using critical language we can remind them in a non-confrontational way that this thread is for empathy, validation, and positive suggestions and that when we want to be 'challenged' we will post elsewhere. (Sometimes I do feel the need to be challenged so when I do I will post somewhere else and accept that people might react strongly/judgementally/negatively.)

If people think it will benefit someone to challenge their own beliefs and want to say it on this thread, they need to find a way to ask them gentle questions to get them to question themselves without making them feel like they are being judged. If you can't find the right words to do this then say nothing.

therealsmithfield Mon 11-Jan-10 11:38:07

osahm I agree with what you are saying wrt self image. I think something ingrained in me is that I mustn't get things wrong. I mustn't say or do the wrong thing in case people feel I am bad or inadequate. Somrthing in my head is constantly saying 'dont f-k up smithfield...dont you dare f-k up.
In some ways this thread has helped that because I have been able to write more and more from the heart without worrying and constantly monitoring myself and what I am posting. I used to hide a bit behind helping others on here in order to not express what I was feeling. I was afraid of what people would think.
I have to admit I was worrying about saying 'anything' over the last few days for fear of saying the wrong thing. Somethimes you just have to go with your gut as bop and rose did.
I dont think you should need to go to another thread for stuff when you 'want' feedback. We can all do with asking for feedback and I have got lots of very constructive feedback on here often.
There are ways of challenging people though and I agree with what you said at the end of your post. I think that the incident we are all referring to was very different because it was 'minimising' wtsa's feelings and in a very aggressive confrontational way.
I think it became all about having the last word and 'winning' rather than genuinely giving constructive advice out of concern or care.
We all have a right to be cahllenged in the right way but a right to not be challenged when we are not ready to see things differently. So it is about respecting others needs. Our needs were never respected growing up so we find it difficult to feel entitled to have our needs respected and met.
Pages asked me on here way back why I needed my sisters approval. It was something no-one had asked me before and I was grateful for her for asking it because it really challenged my thinking in a good way.

therealsmithfield Mon 11-Jan-10 11:42:26

That was a long winded way of saying no-one should feel like they are treading on eggshells either. People should feel they can express themselves freely just as long as they are also being respectful of the other posters feelings.

wanttostartafresh Mon 11-Jan-10 13:03:05

TRS, you have been here longer than me so I think you should do the honours of starting the new thread. [smile}

wanttostartafresh Mon 11-Jan-10 13:03:30

sorry smile

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 11-Jan-10 13:44:37

Hi all

Ally90 (a MN poster I have an awful lot of respect for along with Sakura and the real Smithfield - infact a big shout out to you all actually except the trolls who have been here in the past) posted this originally when this thread was in Part 2. It certainly bears repeating.

(I do not post here very often but I have found it very helpful myself having got two self absorbed parents together with NPD inlaws and a BIL who is also NPD. Lucky old me huh?!. Anyway that's quite enough of my mad as a box of frogs rellies. I keep them all at arms length now and am a lot happier for doing so).

This is what she relayed at the time:-

"For the Adult Children of Abusive Families

For those unsure whether to post or not:

No one, but no one will say your abuse is not as bad as x or y or everybody else?s.
Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/angry/hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It?s a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/lifetime experiences of being hurt/angry etc by our parent?s behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.

Regarding divorcing parents, some of us have. Some are emotionally divorced. Some have separated. Some have set up boundaries. Some carry on as they are. Any of those or any I have not mentioned are fine".

therealsmithfield Mon 11-Jan-10 14:13:34

Thanks for all your support (((attila)))

Ok tis done gulp smile, thanks wtsa I need a bit of a shove sometimes.

So please let me know what you all think

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