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Is it possible to make yourself fancy someone?

(15 Posts)
Anonymoustodh Tue 03-May-05 14:09:14

Cos I really want to fancy dh but atm it feels like there is nothing there. I feel like his is kind of a colleague or a neighbour who I listen to politely but am not really interested. He doesnt fancy me either. We have sex about twice a year (since I got pregnant with DS who is 3)and he's a bit ...ahem.. adolescent in approach, (lots of grabbing and wobbling but no talking) Have tried to talk aboutthis before but gave up about a year ago. Thing is it depresses the hell out of me to think that I might not have good sex ever again, and worries me that when I do, it wont be with dh. Can we change? Where do I start?

JoolsToo Tue 03-May-05 14:12:31

would you consider a sex therapist?

Anonymoustodh Tue 03-May-05 14:19:28

Dh would go bananas if he thought i'd been discussing it (hence name change in case he peers over shoulder) I need to get my own mind sorted, and find out whats realistic. We didnt have fireworks before ds, we were friends first and sort of fell into our relationship. Maybe its just not realistic to hope for them now, six years, one ds and a midlife crisis or two later...

JoolsToo Tue 03-May-05 14:23:06

but if he thought you might leave him (not suggesting that for a minute!) would it stir him into action do you think?

flamesparrow Tue 03-May-05 14:26:31

I had this after DD... we'd started out as friends, and then I fell in love with him, and although I am attracted to him, I'm still not completely sure if I "fancy" him as such!!!

It was making me uncomfortable with the whole idea of sex, so I asked for us to go back to the beginning. No actual sex for a bit, just all the kissing etc, so I could ease into it being a sexual relationship again.

It took a couple of times of explaining (he thought I meant no sex for a while, and no kissing etc too, then just back to as it was!), but it did seem to help.


Toothache Tue 03-May-05 14:27:00

If there is an answer then I will be watching this thread in anticipation!

Anonymoustodh Tue 03-May-05 17:02:28

Thanks for replying. Jools, I've been down that street before - he knows I would never leave, he always says "go on hten leave if i'm so crap" knowing i wouldnt because of ds and because i believe in marriage. Also 'Have an affair if i'm so crap, at least you would stop hassling me". I really want to put it right, but I don't know where to start, as he seems oblivious that theres a problem and I cant face starting that conversation again as it always provokes either a non-answer as above or an argument about me being too demanding - linking it to me asking for some household chore to be done for example. Blimey, did I just choose wrong?

beansprout Tue 03-May-05 17:20:39

He sounds quite defensive around it all. Do you know what he wants? Does he?!

nutcracker Tue 03-May-05 17:29:15

I don't think it is possible to make yourself fancy soneone no. I think you could have a good try and perhaps nearly cinvinve yourself that you do fancy them, or that it doesn't matter that you don't, but in the end you will still no that deep down you don't IMO anyway.

Sugar10 Tue 03-May-05 17:42:58

Message withdrawn

nightowl Tue 03-May-05 17:57:08

sadly i dont think it is. i had a wonderful partner..i was engaged to him. i fancied him until we actually did the deed but after in fact i still love him very much...but as a friend. everything else was so right and i tried and tried but i just didnt fancy him. i split with him lots of times and tried to get back that feeling but it just wasnt there anymore. i was with him for three years trying to make it work but he got fed up in the end when i wouldnt let him touch me..and who can blame him? sorry if its not what you want to hear

Gwenick Tue 03-May-05 18:09:26

I think it's still possible to love someone without 'fancying' them. When I first met my DH I never really 'fancied' him (in fact he was a "he'll do" date ). 1 1/2 months later we got engaged - and he asked me not long after that what it was I found 'attractive' (physically) about him - I honestly couldn't answer - and even now - 5 1/2yrs married I still can't 'honestly' answer what I find attractive about him. He's a good looking bloke - no doubting that - and he's got lovely eyes and a nice smile - but that wasn't what attracted me to him in the first place (once I fell in love with - not when I invited him on a date LOL). However, just because I don't 'fancy' him doesn't mean I don't love him IKYWIM........

flamesparrow Tue 03-May-05 18:13:27

You're a step up on me Gwenick - I have no idea if Boy is good looking or not!!!

People have told me he is, but they're hardly gonna turn round and say "Hey, you're bloke's bloody ugly" are they?

Anonymoustodh Tue 03-May-05 20:04:05

Yes he is very defensive and no, I d0ont know what he wants. When we first met he at least had a stash of porn mags he used to look at, but he doesnt even have that any more. I actually think he doesnt even have those feelings at all. Sadly a large part of me probably agrees with Nutcracker and Nightowl- that you can't force it, but another part of me says that I can, and it might be he's suffering from stress or "middle age" (He's early forties, I'm mid thirties). Flamesparrow, thats the response I've had as well lol in recognition of "then back to how it was"! How are you two now?

flamesparrow Wed 04-May-05 11:23:27

Things have suddenly picked up for us. He finally "got" what I meant, and my sex drive suddenly came back too. It took a while, but things finally feel normal again.


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