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Feeling really really stressed.

(8 Posts)
Darem Tue 03-May-05 10:12:44

Another sleepless night!
DH and I have a 4 yr old daughter.
Our love life was never too great and completely vanished after she was born - my fault, had terrible terrible smear test years ago that affected my confidence.

Basically I want another child. We sat down last night and had a long chat. He said that he'd never thought about another child because our love life was so nonexistant. He was quite happy with how things were.

I was completely honest with him and said I really couldnt' imagine not having at least 1 more child. I really can't.

It ended up with him saying "well, I think we both need to decide how definate we are on what each of us wants. If there's any room for us to agree and if not, what happens from here on in".

How on earth have we come to this? We adored each other when we met (been together 8 years). I've always felt we were soulmates.

I'm devastated by this. If he decides he definately does not want another child, what on earth do I do? I know that if I agreed with him not to have another one, I would so end up resenting that decision. It isn't just a practical thing - I NEED to have another child. The thought of never having another is impossible.
I think I know deep down inside that if he says no, we will have to split. I LOVE him but I can't give up having another child.

I know there's no easy answer to this but I need to know that someone out there understands what I'm going through...

compo Tue 03-May-05 10:17:23

I understand. I have a one year old ds and dh at the moment says he would rather not have another one. He loves ds but resents not being able to do his own thing any more. I resent him not wanting to spend more time with me and ds and can see that if we had another baby (which deep down i know I want) the problems will just get worse. At the moment we've agreed to put the decision off until ds is a bit older. So I definitely understand. However, if you were to leave your dh over this how can you know that you will meet someone else and have a baby? Is it more important to risk your dd's stabilty and remove her from living with her father for something that might not happen anyway? That is what I wonder for myself

Darem Tue 03-May-05 10:44:20

Compo,
So difficult isn't it? My thoughts are with you.
DH has said he too has "other things he wants to spend his time on" he wants to do which having a baby will affect.

We are both fairly "sporty" people but when I look at my circle of "mum" friends, I see that my DH is probably one of the ones who is "allowed" to spend most time away from their child doing their "own thing". We are both supportive of each other when we want to to off and do our own thing. Probably he gets to do more, but then I enjoy being with DD so it's not a big issue.

If I did leave him, there are no guarantees I'd EVER find anyone else (me not being thin, pretty, young or anything like that!) But if I were to agree never to have another child (and thats what it comes down to) I KNOW that within a very short space of time I'd end up hating myself and also him.

DH is a bit emotionally distant - not much but a bit - commes from his parents divorcing when he was young. And I'm completly the other way, probably too emotional. We've always balanced each other out but I think this one is a bit more tricky!

Compo - sending you happy thoughts, hope your situation doesn't end up nearly as stressful as mine I really do!

anonymouschap Tue 03-May-05 10:50:36

Other side here - i think i'd like more children, though i haven't thought about it because my dw doesn't under any circumstances imaginable. I think you have to decide, or accept a decision and move on, although maybe that's easier for a man to say, not least as we have less control anyway, and have to accept our partners choice, not least because we don't have to do the having a baby bit.

compo Tue 03-May-05 10:52:33

Hi anonymouschap - how many kids do you have and why doesn't dw want any more? It must be very frustrating for you

Darem Tue 03-May-05 10:56:22

anonymouschap,
But you have feelings too! I think my biggest fear would be if you (and I mean all of us in this type of situation!) end up feeling resentful.
Because, certainly for a woman, once past a certain age, you can't suddenly change your mind and say "you know what I should have gone with my instincts".

anonymouschap Tue 03-May-05 10:57:05

1, and for lots of reasons - we certainly haven't, erm, attempted, since the last one - see other threads

MrsMiggins Tue 03-May-05 11:37:09

Compo

sounds like me a yr ago - dh didnt want anymore for same reasons and I too resented him (and still do to a certain extent) because he doesnt seem to want to spend more time with me and ds.

In the end DH decided maybe another one would be a good idea and DD was born.

Now I am finding it hard - not the parenting bit, I find that OK. Its the housework, getting up early at weekends and playing with kids. One was OK but having 2 is much harder and DH doesnt do anymore than he did when we just had 1.

So my advice to you would be to wait until he's ready but make sure that you dont mind the fact its more about you & the kids than him - he wont change - well my DH hasnt.

Having said that, it is getting better - I think some men dont know what to do with babies and can interact more when they start toddling etc !!

good luck !!

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