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why am i even here long rant

(7 Posts)
aaliyahsmum Thu 28-Apr-05 09:53:19

i have just moved in with dp and have started a new job my dd is enrolled in school and everything is perfect then..............
HE was marrried to a woman he met through a telephone chat line she tok him for every penny then ditched him for some loser she met on the net, she has a dd from a pervious relationship that dp loves to pieces, so much so that he pays £25 a week for, which by the way is not on paper and he has no rights to this child whatsoever.
she now lives with the loser and has a new baby but how i see it is if the loser wanted her so bad why cant he support her dd it winds me up so much, and to top it off if he is late paying the kid is on the phone moaning cos mum aint had the money. She was supposed to be coming to stay for half term and as dp always drives to get her and it costs us a fortune i said she would have to stay the first week end because we are able to pick her up and they can meet us half way to collect her, if not it would not be possible for her to stay i know this sounds heartless but i am pissed off with his xw taking the piss. so he spoke to xw today and she said sorry not possible we are going away (probley paid for wiv the money dp gives her) she will have to stay middle of week and he said will ask me i said well we agreed that if it wasnt when we could do it it wouldnt happen and now he said i was being unreasonable and i wasnt allowed to seee her on monday with my dd cos i would cause an arguement but i feel if he says yes he is undermining me as his dp, i know i probley sound really selfish but before i moved in i had to go home for a week when ever she stayed which wasnt nice and all cos his xw plays on the fact the kid will be ill if she dont get what she wants i have had enought she is a healthy child and the mother uses the kid sorry to rant

squirrel3 Thu 28-Apr-05 12:00:28

Being a step-parent is really, really hard. I'm a stepmum and I know how BM's use their kids to score points and cause trouble.

Does the child call your DP Dad?

I can see how paying matinance for a child who isn't your DP's bio child can get up your nose, I get p-ed off when half of our wages go to the X, when she has the designer life style while we struggle to get by, it makes you so angry .

Try looking at the step-parenting section, you'll realise your not alone!!!!!

P.s. you might get some good advice too! We are a really nice bunch (we're not all wicked step-mums!!)

flic23 Thu 28-Apr-05 12:11:33

well done saying something my DP has an Ex and 13 year old son. The split was ammicable and the financial side is all sorted here as no houe or anything. Howver there is no se arrangment or their son hey just ageed to share he costs of brining him up 50/50. She has a good job and deent income. When i was 6 mon pregnant with DS she upped the payment to 200 a month which i he is paying half means it takes £100 a week to feed and cloth him, i dont think so . DP also pays for many things for him and takes him on holiday regulaly. My DP finds it hard enough to support himself , me and baby DS but cant say anything as he divorce is not finalised with the courts. Then to cap it all legal costs to get divorced are £1000 and she earns far to much to get income support and so wants him to pay bearing in mind she is divorcing him he says he wont pay, so she wont do anything about it therefore we cant get married ahhhh!

anorak Thu 28-Apr-05 12:16:50

Your dp sounds lovely to have taken this little girl to his heart as he has. It would be a shame to make him feel he had to choose between her and you, after all he sounds like a good man trying to do the right things. This little girl was in his life before you came along and you accepted him as he is so I think you should try harder to swallow your annoyance with his awful ex and make it easy for this little girl to have access to what sounds like the best parent she'll have the benefit of. If you buck against the mother all the time the child will be the one who suffers, and your partner will feel resentful.

I am sure that one of the things you love about your dp is that he is kind and loving - to you and your dd and also to his ex's dd. Keep thinking of what a great dad he is and how wonderful for your dd to live with someone like him who will be loyal to her no matter what. Then you might find it easier to support him in trying to offer this little girl some contact with at least one decent set of parents.

soapbox Thu 28-Apr-05 12:26:36

Well, as those of us who lived through the W&R/JF debacle will know - there is a concept under English Law whereby a child who has been supported and treated as part of a family falls to be treated as a 'child of the family' and as such an order for maintenance of that child can be made against an absent parent when the family breaks down.

As such your DH may well have a legal as well as a moral duty to this child. On that basis £25 does not sound a great deal.

I think you need to think about whether you are trying to put barriers in teh way of your DHs relationship with this child. I can understand that it is difficult for you - but this child treated your DH as a member of her family and your DH acted as her parent. As such I think she deserves to be treated as if she were his biological child. You need to help your DH support his relationship with her - otherwise they will both come to blame you when things go wrong!

aaliyahsmum Fri 29-Apr-05 00:20:04

i do support him i all he does but i am fed up with having 3 people in this relationship. i love my dp to bits and as it i have given in and agreed to the times his xw wanted i would have backed down anyway because i know how much it means to him. as things stand he has no rights and it is a figure he agreed, what i feel cross about is all the debt he has been left with and he is still paying for the child. yes i am resentful that xw still expects dp to pay out but i also know how easy it is to love a child unconditionally even though it is not your own.i want to try and get on with his xw for the sake of his dd but she is always trying to wind me up on purpose and i have to sit there and shut up which i find very differcult.it has been said in passing to me by several people who knew his xw that as soon as he stops paying he wont be able to see her anymore and i know this will break his heart.
My dd idolises my dp and they get on like house on fire and he is a great parent i just find it differcult that he is having the pi** taken out of him by xw

squirrel3 Fri 29-Apr-05 08:52:40

I know exactly how you feel, my DP's ex never fails to grab the opportunity to insult me, have a go at me or to try to wind me up! I don't know why she dislikes me so much, I think it’s the old 'I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have either!' I think she is a rather sad woman!! I try to not have anything to do with her because it only makes things worse and I don't want the children affected by it, most of the time its soooo petty so why upset the Step children?

It must also be so difficult for your DP, he obviously loves the child so much and for the ex to use that and threaten 'no money, no access' is appalling!! You obviously want to 'protect' him from being hurt.

The poor child is being used as a porn so the ex gets what she wants. She should be putting the child first no matter what. It would be devastating for her and your DP if the contact was to suddenly stop. Having said that, if your DP wants to be a 'father' to the child he should contribute to her upbringing, for the child’s sake not the ex. The child will know that even though he is not her bio father he loves her so much that he is willing to do this for her. It really sounds as if the child needs a good parent in her life and I'm sure your DP will continue to be there for her no matter what happens, he sounds lovely.

I don’t know if I have helped. Do try the step-parenting section, there are a lot of people who will understand what you are going through and they maybe able to give advice or a listening ear when you just want to rant. {hug}

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