Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I snooped - again! don't like the results - warning VERY LONG!(5 Posts)
Me and Dp got a virus on our pc that blocks your homepage and puts it's own link-site in it's place, we were chatting about it and saying how it must mimic what you surf and provide similar links. I quipped 'yeah that would explain the adult sites links then' - to be honest I hadn't even really thought about it as there was such a mixture of stuff on it - health, sport, insurance - so I kinda got a surprise when he looked a bit 'rumbled' and said "well I admit yeah I have looked at stuff like that" and I was laughing it off but wildly curious and asked him DO YOU? what kind of things do you put in the search engine? and he said I dunno BIG SWEATY FANNIES! and we laughed together at that and I just dropped it then as it was a bit embarrassing and I was not overly bothered really as I have had the odd curious root around myself at times so I'm not a hypocrite.
Of course following this I became more paranoid - why wasn't he pestering me for more sex if he's randy, I could do with it and he just seems like it's another 'job' sometimes and moans that he just wants to read if I seem interested. We do 'do it' but just not that much really.
He constantly chats on his football website or downloads music and I am usually sitting right next to him on the sofa so I never felt like he's hiding but now and again I found myself snooping as to what he was talking about - and it was all pretty boring football stuff whenever I looked. The internet history is set to 24 hours, for my privacy as much as his. I found a few porn links amongst his usual stuff on some days and I was a bit 'hmm' but not too upset, a bit curious really. Mostly they seemed to be links presented during chatting on the football thing and hadn't been followed on in any depth. Also there were a few google searches for a few celebs sex videos and stuff like that, which I liked less as it was more deliberate than opening a link posted by someone else and I couldn't stop thinking about who he'd searched for for a few days.(sorry so long)
One evening he was called off for something so I was sitting down to mumsnet and there was a screen open for a new nickname for his football thing and it had a yahoo email address he's never mentioned on it. I was dying to know what he uses that for but won't ever know now. I paged back and the football chats came up and there was a conversation amongst other more innocent stuff by someone about 'pick a woman - apart from the wife' giving a reason etc. The answers were all very usual boy stuff - but my DP had put "Abi Titmuss cos she's a slag". At first I laughed but then I felt awful cos it's the very reason I was attracted to DP cos he's never been crude like that. Anyway 15 minutes later he'd posted a link to some rotten Titmuss site of her being a slag in general porn pcis etc etc. Not pleased! What's more it was posted as I lay on the sofa. I couldn't stop running it over my brain. We had planned to go to ikea the next day so off we went and DP kept asking me why I was so quiet. In the end I confessed I'd spied on him and didn't like what I found. He was very freaked out, and said "that is only boys banter, what you witnessed there is boys playground humour or like what we'd joke about in the pub when there's no women about, I am so embarassed you read that my GOD!etc" He was totally beside himself and said please don't bring it up anymore he was feeling rather ashamed and very embarassed and I was feeling very sheepish about the snooping but at least I owned up. We thrashed it out and I also vowed I wouldn't snoop on him and he immediately offered to dump the footie chats but I said nah it's ok just be open with me (how thick was that? - needless to say he has not dumped the footie chats) Things got back to normal kinda and we do have a very affectionate relationship but I am now constantly worrying about the sexual side of it and how we have become so boring. But when I'm frustrated I try to approach him for sex, why isn't he doing that if he's frustrated? my conclusion is he doesn't fancy me but loves me a lot and wouldn't like to lose me so separates sex off into another part of his world. Trouble is being 7 months preg isn't the best of best times to spice up your love life - maternity baby dolls and all that.
Subsequent snooping - which I now cannot help myself from doing - has revealed this. Yesterday I looked at the history and there was a google search history for 'dogging' 'dogging blog' 'bondage' 'sex' and this was at 11am just after he'd gotten up and was busy doing lots of things and just before I got up but could have walked straight in?? I clicked on the links but they were all 'no mathches found' so I don't know where they led or if he followed any of them but there was no material apart frm the searches in the internet files. strange. I had all planned to jump it on him last night as if I'd just stumbled accross it but missed my opportunity and the history has been blanked twice since so it's too late. i just don't know whether he is just curious or really interested - I had just read an article on bondage myself the night before and he probli read it after me so no harm in being curious but could he really be intrested in DOGGING? and what's a BLOG - isnt' it some kind of discussion thing - i mean it makes me think maybe he wants to talk to ppl about it, not just look.
It's affecting me now, I tried to discuss with him about how I was worried how the baby would change things between us and he seems totally resigned to that and doesnt really want any deep and meaningfuls - just get on with it and that everything will be ok. I wonder has he just resigned himself to the fact everything has changed and I am 'wife' now. I realised things have changed in me when I was reading the thread about how long after birth people resume sex and I felt terrified I wouldn't be able to keep that area up to scratch - I would NEVER have thought like that before.. just always trusted I had a very secure and lucky arrangement with my solid bloke - phew sorry so very very long!
If there's anyone still with me after that huge post just wondering what u think?
I would say not to worry so much.
Firstly, the internet is just so available. In the 'old days', men only used to have their dirty mags at the back of the wardrobes.
No, it must be like kids in a sweet shop, if you know what I mean. Everything there to look at, at any time, anonymously.
He doesn't love you any less. If you asked your friends, I bet all of them could tell you their husbands look at porn and those who say they don't are lying.
He might also be concerned about putting pressure on you, both emotionally and physically whilst your're preggers and therefore relying a little bit more on the porn that on 'pressurising' you(as he may see it).
After giving birth, you can resume sex when you're ready, depending on tears, soreness and all sorts. 6 weeks after rings a bell for me, although it was a while ago .
I can understand your worrying but as an outsider I don't think you need to worry too much.
I wouldn`t worry about it.
My dh logs on every morning before the kids and I get up to look at various sites. I don`t know why because he`ll say he`s not horny and doesn`t want sex or to masturbate. He just likes to look every day to see any new pics that have been posted!
He still loves me, we still have sex regularly and to be quite honest, if there were sites with new pictures of Russell Crowe or Ewan Mcgregor naked every morning, I`d log on and have a look.
(Very red face now!)
Wow thanks for those posts girls, I feel a lot better I must admit, I was working myself up a lot without realising. Your descriptions fit his personality as he's always seemed an honest person and I don't think he's ever given me the impression he's been hiding much (everyone has personal stuff I know). Anyway that has sorted my head out enormously but if anyone feels differently feel free to give ur opinion too! I will try to stop stalking him now...LOL
Glad your feeling a bit more calm about it bubbblegirl. tbh, it sounds as if he is being a bit juvenile, but not anything too much to worry about.
Blog is short for 'weblog' - people who write diaries online for others to read - can be about allsorts. usually v boring!
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.