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Married man reeling me in...and I'm afraid I like it

(179 Posts)
DeadorAlive Tue 26-Apr-05 01:04:13

Fancied this guy I knew for ever but did everything I could to hide it because I didn't want to face rejection...however, found out recently he actually has had a thing for me too but he thought I was married, which I'm not any more. BUT turns out He IS married (never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too.

This has really rocked my world as I've never been that confident and don't feel I'm that attractive so I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! He has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why

I'm normally the sort of person who would flame any guy for wandering eyes but I'm too gobsmacked to be objective. It can't be that I've 'led him on' because everyone thought I didn't like him, I hid it that well (female psychology eh!) He didn't know how I felt and was just as surprised as me when he made a move and found out! Also, I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing?

I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (increasingly by choice)with a married man.

Anyone with any similar experience? Why do guys do this? Can it stay just fun?

Never felt like this before about anyone, sound like a sado, surprised at myself. Sorry to waffle

Socci Tue 26-Apr-05 01:22:03

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Socci Tue 26-Apr-05 01:23:02

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Anteater Tue 26-Apr-05 01:27:43

I think one of the first judgements he will make is 'will she rock the marrige dingy?' Will you?

Mhamai Tue 26-Apr-05 01:29:09

Hi dead or alive your not a saddo at all and I hate to burst your bubble beacause believe me Ive been there, I know what its like! The surge of feeling alive, the thrill that you feel, that this person wants you but pet 99% of the time its an illusion, I get a feeling that your self esteem is a bit low too, again I know Ive been there and this man will recite the phone book in latin to tell u or what he needs you to hear, also you will prob start to believe his dw is a no good moaning minny, prob at a guess because he has done this before, at the very least I would only say go ahead if he was seperated a good while, to me he sounds oh by all means charming but if he can do this so easily in a happy! marriage? what in gods name will being with you make it any different, please back out now before your esteem plummetts even further because the futher into this you go the worse it will get, yeah relationships in this day and age are not guarenteed to kast forever but darlin your playin with fire, broaden your social circle and find someone worthy of you, unless in the end you want to play this sorry game where there are no winners and be rest assured if the proverbial s*it hits the fan, it will nine times out of ten be his missus he goes grovelling to. Men like the sounds of this one havent grown up, and prey on vulnerable women, anyway pet I do feel for you, sorry if words were a tad harsh, but as the sayin goes been there done that, wont be doin it again!

prettyfly1 Tue 26-Apr-05 01:39:54

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh the excitement - if youre honest the buzz of the illicit and knowing he would risk everything just because he wants you. Of course his marriage cant be happy because if it was he wouldnt be attracted to you, and if he is attracted to you he wont stay with her right! WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG. Let me tell you how it goes. I cantr control my feelings for you, i never sleep with my wife, she doesnt get me anymore, i am with her because i cant leave my child. I wish i had met you first - I am too financially tied in. You make me feel alive. Would you like youre name on his divorce certificate - if you were married would you like someone else named on yours. There is nothing fun or attractive about an affair. Someone always gets hurt, its soul destroying and i promise you you will feel like second best, oh and just in case you think i dont know or am being moralistic for no reason - i am having my married exs son and it still wasnt enough despite me being told all of the above and more for him to change. You arent a bad person but if you do this i promise you will feel like one!!!!

Chandra Tue 26-Apr-05 01:52:24

"never had the confidence to get close enough to check, sounds stupid but true - nervous wreck around him!) yet he seems happy to flirt and was surprised to find i'd had feelings for him too."

May I ask, if you don't mind, what man doesn't feel happy to flirt to somebody who becomes a nervous wreck in his presence? I have had the managing director of the company I worked for flirting with me even when I was nervous for completely different reasons

"I can't believe my luck that he liked me too! "
What luck? the wonderful oportunity to wreck a marriage???

"has always known he's married, yet still fancied me on the sly, and from what I hear everything seems fine with the marriage too. He took my number, made the first move etc...why why why"
Because he can easily appreciate that you like him enough not to care of his current civil status.

"I should be horrified that he's apparently willing to flirt despite being married...but is it always a bad thing? "
Yes, even if he eventually leaves his wife you could never trust him not to do the same to you.

"I feel so uplifted but also anxious, unsure and bad for his wife...but as time goes on I'm feeling less bad for her. I'm NOT a bitch, not a bad person and am surprised to find myself involved (*increasingly by choice*)with a married man. "
Not a bitch???? really, who are you trying to trick?

"Can it stay just fun?" sure, probably he's the one that is going to find it funnier than you, but your choice.

Glad you have change your name for this... I don't know if I have spoke to you before, but surely with a different name you have got all my honesty. Though I understand that may be the last thing you want to hear.

Chandra Tue 26-Apr-05 03:06:49

I'm starting to regret my last post. Sorry for being that hard... but, obviously, what he is trying to do is not something to be proud of, I should have only suggested you to be careful as he sounds like the married bachelor, that sort of men that even married can't/won't leave behind his bachelor life style.

fairyfly Tue 26-Apr-05 07:18:14

You are basically considering having sex with what should be at the bottom of the food chain.
How do you know he doesn't just try it on with everyone and then whoever recipricates his actions can get the pleasure of his bullshit.

flamesparrow Tue 26-Apr-05 08:34:58

I'm afraid I'm with Chandra's first post....

Please don't do anything - this is another woman's heart you are playing with.

munz Tue 26-Apr-05 08:41:20

i'm with chan, think about his wife, as a wife, if I thought my DH was having an affair, i'd hunt her down and it wouldn't be pretty.

I know my DH flirts, I to flirt, I don't have an issue with looking it's touching. don't know what his wife would feel but I think it's safe to say she'd be utterly devestated. stop things now.

what about the children as well have u thought of them?

WigWamBam Tue 26-Apr-05 09:11:38

I'm afraid I agree with Chandra.

Please walk away from this man. On second thoughts, don't walk - run. It might be fun now, but in time the only person who will be having fun is him. It won't be fun for you, and it sure as hell won't be fun for his wife.

You are setting yourself up for unhappiness all round. You will never be the most important thing in this man's life, he will never be there for you when it matters; maybe that's not important to you now, but you are becoming increasingly involved, and the chances are that it will matter.

You might not have known at the start that he was married, but you do now. Do you have so little respect for yourself that you want to stay in such a damaging relationship? Do you have so little respect for other women that you would want to ruin another woman's life?

Enid Tue 26-Apr-05 09:14:48

mhamai's post sounds like pretty much all you need to know.

Of course it can't stay 'fun'! You need to wake up and smell the coffee.

handlemecarefully Tue 26-Apr-05 09:18:58

Show some feminine solidarity and back off.

bloss Tue 26-Apr-05 09:19:08

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lockets Tue 26-Apr-05 09:22:41

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lucykatie Tue 26-Apr-05 09:33:09




KristinaM Tue 26-Apr-05 09:34:31

PLease walk away now. This man is a sh1t. He is deceitful and untrustworthy and you deserve better. Think of yourself (its his job to think about his wife and kids - not yours).It will not "stay fun". You will be hurt badly. You are not a saddo - just vulnerable, because you have been through a broken relationship and you dont feel confident or attractive. Most of us have been there.

I know some of the messages here seem harsh but the advice is good. Sorry i guess this is not what you wanted to hear

nutcracker Tue 26-Apr-05 09:47:29

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it to me.

Everyone is right, walk away whilst you still have your dignity.
I very recently made a big mistake and believed that sa guy I liked was interested in me. I was ecstatic, really flattered etc and stupidly bowled over and taken in by it all.

Then after texting me all day, he turns up at my house to do a job for dp and procedes to stand there and tell me and dp that he got engaged at xmas, is buying a new business with his wife to be and how happy they are.

All he had to say to me out of ear shot of dp, was that he was sorry.

So he was sorry,but i was ashamed, angry, upset and felt the biggest fool alive.

Trust me, it's just not worth it.

koalabear Tue 26-Apr-05 09:52:12

seen this far too often


men HARDLY EVER leave their wives and children

and IF they do, then they will LEAVE YOU

it's all so exciting in the beginning, and flattering, and it makes you feel so good

put yourself in the wives shoes - actually sit there and pretend you are her - and then look at your own behaviour

if what you are contemplating was right, you wouldn't have to change your name

Brozzer Tue 26-Apr-05 10:47:13


I'd like to say something VERY controversial because it seems every poster here just says the same old thing which is basically 'Walk away, you're being a bitch/stupid/he'll never leave his wife.' Like you want him to leave his wife.

Three thoughts:
1) You are not responsible for his wife and her happiness. You didn't walk her down the aisle promising to love her forever more. He did.

2) The amount of people who have extra-marital affairs is staggering, so staggering that we can't face up to it as a society because it would mean admitting to ourselves that our beloved dh/dp has almost certainly or will almost certainly cheat on us with someone at some point. SORRY EVERYONE!!! It is a fact of life. And there's a reason for it. If you're a sentient, sexual being then it's not going to be possible for you to stay with one partner for the rest of your life. The point of this, DorA, is that you are not some freak doing some dreadful. What you are involved with is a perfectly normal everyday situation between two consenting adults who are attracted to each other.

3) Controversy: Is it so ridiculous to have a bit of fun with a married man? It's his problem isn't it? You're single. As long as you're not hankering after a long-term relationship with him why not have a short-lived fling? Boosts your confidence, gives life a bit of spice and so forth. Life is short.

Hope it all works out
B xx

handlemecarefully Tue 26-Apr-05 10:50:38


on point 1: there is such a thing as basic human decency. Because you don't know someone or aren't beholden to them in a very direct way, doesn't mean you can show empathy and do the right thing.

fairyfly Tue 26-Apr-05 10:54:08

handlemecarefully Tue 26-Apr-05 10:56:34

Just an added point Brozzer - I'm in no fool's paradise. I'm sure that my dh is capable of a bit of extra marital in the right circumstances. If he strays he can expect zero tolerance from me.

However I am equally certain that I would never have an extra marital affair.

Marina Tue 26-Apr-05 10:57:02

Hear hear HMC and everyone else. I'm not sure what else you expected to hear on a parenting website DoA...please don't let this man exploit you.

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